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Switch to Forum Live View 4 months - too soon to be engaged?
7 years ago  ::  Nov 02, 2007 - 4:45AM #1
jcgirl92
Posts: 2
Hi guys,

I'm Michelle and I'm new - my boyfriend of 4 months just proposed to me last night, and I didn't feel ready. He's given me 2 weeks to think about it.

Any thoughts?

M
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 02, 2007 - 8:28AM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Michelle-
Well, marriage is a big step and a big commitment, probably the second-greatest you will ever make besides having a child(ren).  During your 4-month dating relationship, have you met his friends?  Do you know who his heroes are, and why?  Have you met any of his enemies, and do you know why they are enemies?  Have you met his family, brothers and sisters?  Does he drink, do drugs, smoke?  Does he want children?  Do YOU want children?  Does he gamble?  How does he fight, fairly or with cheap shots and sucker punches?  Does he expect you to follow while he leads, or does he want a partnership of equals?

But my standard speech for those contemplating marriage usually goes as follows:

What expectations do you have around the word "wife," "mother," "marriage," "husband," and "dad"?  What examples have you seen?  What are HIS expectations and experiences around each of those words?

Generally speaking, there are 4 areas in which most couples have serious disagreements:
sex
power
money
children.

Have you discussed each of these?  Any of these?

I've observed that many---if not most---of the marriages that fail do so because of unspoken expectations and the disappointments that come from not having these met, even though it's unfair to expect someone to automatically KNOW what you expect a husband and father to be like(and vice-versa, of course)  if you've never talked about it first.

So, be far-seeing, as much as is possible; get some basic agreements ahead of time, and you'll go a long way toward building the kind of mutually nurturing relationship that will stand solidly for a lifetime, instead of a series of disappointments leading to arguments and fights and divorce.

Personally, I think it a good idea for couples contemplating marriage to each draw up a "marriage contract" that states what you will do and what he will do, and vice-versa, then comparing each and re-negotiating, rather than leaping into one and expecting love to make things always work out somehow.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 02, 2007 - 9:50AM #3
KatherineOrthodixie
Posts: 3,689
[QUOTE=jcgirl92;39804]I didn't feel ready. He's given me 2 weeks to think about it.[/QUOTE]

You've answered your own question. You don't feel ready.

And what is this two week ultimatum thing - I don't like the sound of that.

If someone really loves you, they want what's best for you. IMHO, if he loved you, he would respect your feelings and be willing to wait until you felt ready. Not try to coerce or force or bully you into doing something or making decisions that you don't want to make.

If he were my bf, we would have what we call in my neck of the woods a "come to Jesus meeting" and he would have some major 'splaining to do!
“The Law of the Church is to give oneself to what is given not to seek one’s own.” Fr. Alexander Schmemann
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 02, 2007 - 7:20PM #4
DustyLady
Posts: 430
I think Hatman and Katherine have both given you some very good advice.  Whether you and your boyfriend have been together 4 days or 4 months or 4 years, if you're telling strangers that you don't feel ready, then you're not ready.  When you're "ready," emotionally and intellectually, you will have no question in your own mind.  You'll know it without a doubt.

So, what happens after two weeks?  If you say no, he's gone?  Boy, I'm not sure I'd want that kind of ultimatum hanging over my head. 

Dusty
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 02, 2007 - 7:31PM #5
Sacrificialgoddess
Posts: 9,496
My husband and I got engaged after 6 months of dating.  That being said, we were both ready to take that step, and we knew the other person was the person to take that step with.  If you have any doubts at all, wait.  Better to be alone than with the wrong person.  Marriage is serious business.  Why does he want to get married?  You might just ask him. It might be a deciding factor for you.  I'll light a candle for you, love.
Dark Energy. It can be found in the observable Universe. Found in ratios of 75% more than any other substance. Dark Energy. It can be found in religious extremists, in cheerleaders. To come to the conclusion that Dark signifies mean and malevolent would define 75% of the Universe as an evil force. Alternatively, to think that some cheerleaders don't have razors in their snatch is to be foolishly unarmed.

-- Tori Amos
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 02, 2007 - 7:20PM #6
DustyLady
Posts: 430
I think Hatman and Katherine have both given you some very good advice.  Whether you and your boyfriend have been together 4 days or 4 months or 4 years, if you're telling strangers that you don't feel ready, then you're not ready.  When you're "ready," emotionally and intellectually, you will have no question in your own mind.  You'll know it without a doubt.

So, what happens after two weeks?  If you say no, he's gone?  Boy, I'm not sure I'd want that kind of ultimatum hanging over my head. 

Dusty
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 02, 2007 - 7:31PM #7
Sacrificialgoddess
Posts: 9,496
My husband and I got engaged after 6 months of dating.  That being said, we were both ready to take that step, and we knew the other person was the person to take that step with.  If you have any doubts at all, wait.  Better to be alone than with the wrong person.  Marriage is serious business.  Why does he want to get married?  You might just ask him. It might be a deciding factor for you.  I'll light a candle for you, love.
Dark Energy. It can be found in the observable Universe. Found in ratios of 75% more than any other substance. Dark Energy. It can be found in religious extremists, in cheerleaders. To come to the conclusion that Dark signifies mean and malevolent would define 75% of the Universe as an evil force. Alternatively, to think that some cheerleaders don't have razors in their snatch is to be foolishly unarmed.

-- Tori Amos
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 02, 2007 - 11:36PM #8
jcgirl92
Posts: 2
Thanks guys. After crying, praying, talking to my parents, my pastor, and friends that really care about me, I feel that I have made the right decision.

It was hard at first to fight the feeling that I might lose him if I said "not yet." After spending some time with God though, it really helped me to see that my trust has to be in God for that. My bf took it pretty hard at first, but I think he's getting better. Might see if he can get rid of that 2 week deadline - give us a bit more time. I think he was just reacting because he was hurt.

We've got some things to work on, but it doesn't mean that we won't get married later on.

Thanks again guys! Keep us in your prayers if you can! :)
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 03, 2007 - 7:20AM #9
DustyLady
Posts: 430
It sounds like you're on the way to working this out, together.  Good luck to you both!  I'll certainly keep you in my prayers.

Dusty
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 05, 2007 - 5:47PM #10
Basil1951
Posts: 204
Michelle,

Marriage is a life long commitment, if you go into marriage with any other view, you are already on your way to an unhappy marriage and life or a divorce.  As someone has already observed, you said you are not ready, so the answer is obvious -- you are not.  That should be you answer. 

Marriage is putting your spouse's interests before your own, and hopefully having a spouse who will (or will eventually) do the same for you.  It does not seem that your boyfriend is anywhere near that point.  Maybe some day, but now does not appear to be that time.

Do not make a rash decision.

Prayer and reflection help.

Basil
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