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Switch to Forum Live View Do we behave the same with each relationship?
7 years ago  ::  Oct 31, 2007 - 2:55PM #21
princess0602
Posts: 271
Hi Happy Amber!  Pleasure to meet you!

I suppose a person would continue to re-live the same mistakes or behaviors over and over again if they didn't genuinely take a look at what went wrong in the first marriage and acknowledge their part in the dissolution.  It has been my experience that some people don't find fault with things that were pointed out as hurtful or deceitful because they felt justified.

However, you did mention that you are not the same person in this marriage as you were in your first.  So, that does make that arguement that you can exhibit different behaviors when you enter into a different relationship.  You may not necessarily revert back to old ways because the feelings are different and you may value your current relationship more. 

Try not to work too hard.  As you can see, I am not today!  Actually not that much all week!  LOL Me thinks Me needs a vacation!  :p
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 31, 2007 - 2:58PM #22
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
HappyAmber-
[QUOTE]Be the change you want to see in the world" ~unknown[/QUOTE]

Not unknown any more; that was that Great Soul, Ghandi(what "Mahatma" means is "Great Soul").

Leah-
It's a true story, and the only time I've ever experienced anything like it, but as you can tell, I remember it like it was yesterday instead of over 30 years ago.

[QUOTE]isn't it true that most people find it difficult to look at their own life or to search for their authentic selves?[/QUOTE]

I think so; most folks haven't been blessed with the opportunity to even know there IS an "authentic self" anywhere.  For some, the "success" story they defined for themselves as a little child involves hiding who they really are, you know...

[QUOTE] Don't most people go to great lengths not to look at themselves through someone else's eyes because the realization of their actions could be too horrifying to deal with?[/QUOTE]

In my experience, probably yes, again---but I think that this is rapidly changing.

One of the other things I've learned(due to a vision I received back in '87, long story) is that in Heaven, we communicate directly, mind-to-mind; nothing can be hidden there.  I relate this to a passage in the Revelation of John, where he writes of a time when the wicked would say to the mountains, "Fall on us!" and to the rocks, "Hide us!"  After due reflection, especially on the fact that "Except ye be converted, and become again as little children, ye shall in no wise enter the Kingdom of Heaven"[COLOR=Black], combined with remembering that when I was little, I thought all the "big people" could easily read my mind, and how surprised I was to discover that I could lie, and no one but me would know---I think that the Revelation passage refers to a future time when the barriers currently between minds will drop, and "regular" people will no longer be able to hide who they really are, OR what they've really done, ergo the "fall on us" and "hide us" cries.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
[/COLOR]
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 31, 2007 - 3:04PM #23
princess0602
Posts: 271
Whew!  I think I will be safe then because I have done my very best since my divorce to pick up the pieces of my life and to be my true self to everyone.  Sometimes my true self isn't someone that I'm proud of but I know that God knows who I am, who I have been, what I have done and when I am revealed I will have no shame.  *sigh* hopefully!

I would love to hear more about your vision.  I had one about two months ago and it was amazing.  Did you get very dizzy afterwards?
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 31, 2007 - 3:06PM #24
princess0602
Posts: 271
BTW, How old were you in 1975?  Just curious!  You don't have to tell me if you don't want to but I was thinking "hmmmmmmm what was I doing when he was communicating with angels during his spiritual experience.  Then it occured to me...I was in 1st grade.  LOL
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 31, 2007 - 5:37PM #25
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Leah-
I finally got around to writing out as much of that experience as I could remember a good while back; a few details are missing, but you can find the majority of it at the Old Beliefnet, here:

Vision.

The recounting of the tale begins at the last post on that page, and continues for a while afterward.

Warmest regards, and no, I won't tell you how old I was then.  :D  Ya little nipper, you.  *grin*

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 31, 2007 - 6:09PM #26
DustyLady
Posts: 430
I think it IS possible for a person to change both his/her baseline personality and behaviors that result from that personality as well as things that happen to and around the person.  But the person has to be open to allowing change to happen in their lives. 

I know that I am nowhere near the same person I was yesterday, or a year ago, or 10 years ago.  A lot of that change has come about without my being aware of it, until long after the change took place.  Some of that change has been deliberate, and is the result of hard work on my part.  I credit the people in my life for inspiring that change -- those who have hurt me as well as those who have loved and nourished me.

That said, I think it is a gross mistake to get into a relationship with someone (whether marriage or friendship) with the idea that you can change that person.  You may change that person or you may not; chances are you're going to have to work pretty hard to bring about that change, and you may or may not be successful.  Chances are you may change yourself as much as you change the other person.

Dusty
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 01, 2007 - 6:10AM #27
jaxx
Posts: 45
Well, generally speaking, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. It is NOT a perfect rule, but one that is true often enough to be worth paying attention to.

I'll be personal:  My first wife and my long-term girlfriend where extremely smart (too smart for Mensa). Both were larger women. Both had an atrocious habit of putting blame on me for things they did. Both were strongly feminist and weakly Christian. Both were bad cooks and worse housekeepers. Both could be charming or crazy. Both threw things and exploded into fits of rage.

So? I looked at the other women I dated. There was some overlap, there was a bad habit of being attracted to the very-smart, but quite 'crazy' woman. I had a bad habit of trying to rescue. I DECIDED to change who I dated and found a woman who is totally different. I MADE the change. I intentionally made a change, thus breaching the general rule.

That said. There are many more things which stayed the same. I still prefer to put my nose in a book over watching TV, as one for instance.

My wife is VERY tiny. She has a strong preference for very large men. Her first husband was huge (I know him). Her preference for large men stayed the same as I am a fairly good size. Her preference for high dominance men changed: I am quite phlegmatic.

Thus, things CAN change, people can change both their choices and their behavior. The real question is "Does the person want to change?" There's also a fair bit of "What is in it for a person not to change?" There will always be a reason.

I'd also say that our society has a strong component of misandry in it: It is very hard for a first world born and raised woman to think through a gendered matter as the information set from which she is pulling behavior items has a good deal of bad information about males in it. This makes things hard for our womenfolk as well as the men who deserve our sympathy. Mind you, we are starting to see the first signs of change as your mental-query on the part of the couple shows. (Dr. Helen Smith, the expert on violent children, has been putting a fair amount of effort into writing on this and the related topics. As have Amy Alkon and Glenn Sacks.)
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 31, 2007 - 12:33PM #28
DAH54
Posts: 3,318
I believe that most behavior is learned. And that what we believe, or see as working for us in the past, we continue to use. So to me yes past behavior is often a good sign of future behavior.

I think certain characteristics stay with us. Someone that is generous at say thirty is IMHO likely to be generous at sixty.  Sadly I believe the opposite is also true about the selfish person.

Behavior is about control, and how we attempt to control and validate our choices. Someone that has found a way of justifying their cheating in the past, is likely to be able to justify it in the future. As humans we have been given the ability to rationalize many things, and we use our ability to rationalize to enable us to choose to do what we desire. I believe that by the time we reach adulthood most of our desires are pretty well set. For some life can intrude and force changes, and we can also find reasons to control our desire, but for most of us I believe, you generally want the same things throughout adulthood.

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