Post Reply
Switch to Forum Live View Answer to DAH54 from IntroduceThread
7 years ago  ::  Oct 18, 2007 - 5:06AM #1
jaxx
Posts: 45
DAH54 said:  "Hi Jaxx and welcome to the all new Relationships & Marriage board! Have you found the transition from working husband to house husband an easy one? What are some of the obstacles you had to overcome? What are some of the challenges in parenting foster children? Do you find it easier or harder to love the foster children? I look forward to hearing more from you."

Thanks.

For me, the transition was easy as I had all those years as a lone father. All the house-tasks are a part of me. Plus, I was only a man with a stay-at-home wife for a very short period a long time ago.

Generally speaking, men moving into stay-at-home positions take several years to adjust as women moving into full-provider roles take several years to adjust. That speaks to the BAD job we do of teaching roles in our society. Obviously, the men are blamed for taking too long and the women get a free ride, which is another one of our cultural errors.

Mind you, I'm still adjusting to my disability and what it has done to my ability to do things. It took me three hours to rewire a lamp, something I could have done in 10 minutes before. That frustration from the disability combined with the frustration from my past often leave my wife with 200 lbs of angry-scared-bitter instead of a husband: That's something she has had to come to grips with and it both creates and solves problems.

Years ago, just after my first-wife ran off(1), there was a LOT of adjusting. My house keeping experience was all basic stuff ... damp mop the kitchen floor & simple laundry type of thing.

One of the lone fathers I knew (played for an NFL team) had a HUGE jump when he moved to lone father after his wife was permanently institutionalized: He'd never done any house-work or baby care at all: His mother did it all and then his wife did it all. Then, here he was twin daughters only a few months old and HE is in absolute charge. It was a shock for him! It was also funny in a way. His hands were so big that he couldn't turn a sleeper right side out, I got him a fork one time so he could do that task.

Foster kids are, usually, a joy and a pain. They're all different and often so badly mixed up that they need constant supervision and care. You'd do better to ask my wife about foster-kids though, she fostered 16 kids overall, some of them for years. I was lucky & new to fostering and thus had fairly easy kids: infant girl, 16 year old boy and a pair of 8 year old twins. I had the baby for the longest time at 3 months and she was no problem at all. I stopped fostering as I decided to go to college full-time and that meant driving cab full-time to pay for it (2).

A child is a child. One loves one's own kids and can easily grow to love a foster child. If that baby's mother hadn't got out of jail I would have kept her and been glad of it!

It was a brief period of equality when I had those kids. A lone father would now have trouble doing what I did. These days there's simply too much contempt for males bred into the system. Although I see signs that people in the CAS/FACS system are starting to get worried about that and thus may make a few changes.



----------------
1:  Maternal abandonment (she runs away) is still, barely, the most common reason for lone fathers. Upper class men are winning custody in family court though and that is changing the numbers so that custody-wins will soon be the most common type of lone father.

2:  All the help was female only and I was politically involved in trying to change that. Sadly today, many are trying to change it back to female only and it is already hurting kids. We'll have children starve to death again, BET ON IT!
Quick Reply
Cancel
7 years ago  ::  Oct 18, 2007 - 5:06AM #2
jaxx
Posts: 45
DAH54 said:  "Hi Jaxx and welcome to the all new Relationships & Marriage board! Have you found the transition from working husband to house husband an easy one? What are some of the obstacles you had to overcome? What are some of the challenges in parenting foster children? Do you find it easier or harder to love the foster children? I look forward to hearing more from you."

Thanks.

For me, the transition was easy as I had all those years as a lone father. All the house-tasks are a part of me. Plus, I was only a man with a stay-at-home wife for a very short period a long time ago.

Generally speaking, men moving into stay-at-home positions take several years to adjust as women moving into full-provider roles take several years to adjust. That speaks to the BAD job we do of teaching roles in our society. Obviously, the men are blamed for taking too long and the women get a free ride, which is another one of our cultural errors.

Mind you, I'm still adjusting to my disability and what it has done to my ability to do things. It took me three hours to rewire a lamp, something I could have done in 10 minutes before. That frustration from the disability combined with the frustration from my past often leave my wife with 200 lbs of angry-scared-bitter instead of a husband: That's something she has had to come to grips with and it both creates and solves problems.

Years ago, just after my first-wife ran off(1), there was a LOT of adjusting. My house keeping experience was all basic stuff ... damp mop the kitchen floor & simple laundry type of thing.

One of the lone fathers I knew (played for an NFL team) had a HUGE jump when he moved to lone father after his wife was permanently institutionalized: He'd never done any house-work or baby care at all: His mother did it all and then his wife did it all. Then, here he was twin daughters only a few months old and HE is in absolute charge. It was a shock for him! It was also funny in a way. His hands were so big that he couldn't turn a sleeper right side out, I got him a fork one time so he could do that task.

Foster kids are, usually, a joy and a pain. They're all different and often so badly mixed up that they need constant supervision and care. You'd do better to ask my wife about foster-kids though, she fostered 16 kids overall, some of them for years. I was lucky & new to fostering and thus had fairly easy kids: infant girl, 16 year old boy and a pair of 8 year old twins. I had the baby for the longest time at 3 months and she was no problem at all. I stopped fostering as I decided to go to college full-time and that meant driving cab full-time to pay for it (2).

A child is a child. One loves one's own kids and can easily grow to love a foster child. If that baby's mother hadn't got out of jail I would have kept her and been glad of it!

It was a brief period of equality when I had those kids. A lone father would now have trouble doing what I did. These days there's simply too much contempt for males bred into the system. Although I see signs that people in the CAS/FACS system are starting to get worried about that and thus may make a few changes.



----------------
1:  Maternal abandonment (she runs away) is still, barely, the most common reason for lone fathers. Upper class men are winning custody in family court though and that is changing the numbers so that custody-wins will soon be the most common type of lone father.

2:  All the help was female only and I was politically involved in trying to change that. Sadly today, many are trying to change it back to female only and it is already hurting kids. We'll have children starve to death again, BET ON IT!
Quick Reply
Cancel
7 years ago  ::  Oct 18, 2007 - 3:19PM #3
qtbabe
Posts: 823
Hi Jaxx

I'm sorry for your frustrations! I totally understand how you'd feel of staying home in addition with your disability.  Staying home (itself) is not easy.  I've been home for a yr and half now and I'm NOT quite ajdusted to staying home yet and I'm a woman.  So, I'm not sure I would agree with you on the gender of whom staying home would be easier than the other.  I believe changes are hard for everyone man or woman.  However, woman tends to adapt in a new environment faster than man due to their social skills.  But this era in USA, woman is running for the president. I don't think we do a bad job of teaching roles in our society, do we?.  We might not do a good job of accepting changes.... perhaps, but it's human's nature????  Woman have lived in a "man" society for too long now.  I think believe we are becomming one of the man.

Regards
QT:)

P.S DustyLady: I guess I'll hear from you soon....:)
Quick Reply
Cancel
7 years ago  ::  Oct 19, 2007 - 5:17AM #4
jaxx
Posts: 45
[QUOTE=qtbabe;6619]Hi Jaxx

I'm sorry for your frustrations! I totally understand how you'd feel of staying home in addition with your disability.  Staying home (itself) is not easy.  I've been home for a yr and half now and I'm NOT quite ajdusted to staying home yet and I'm a woman.  So, I'm not sure I would agree with you on the gender of whom staying home would be easier than the other.  I believe changes are hard for everyone man or woman.  However, woman tends to adapt in a new environment faster than man due to their social skills.  But this era in USA, woman is running for the president. I don't think we do a bad job of teaching roles in our society, do we?.  We might not do a good job of accepting changes.... perhaps, but it's human's nature????  Woman have lived in a "man" society for too long now.  I think believe we are becomming one of the man.

Regards
QT:)

P.S DustyLady: I guess I'll hear from you soon....:)[/QUOTE]

There's no sex-based difference in learning curve, only a sex difference in what that learning curve relates to.

A good example is seen in stay-at-home fathers in relation to our culture's micro-management type of parenting. The boys were never taught micro-management and must learn it as adults, which takes three to four years. In the same way, for our hands off type of sole support relationship, the girls were never taught to leave it up to him and must learn that as adults as they take up the role of sole-provider, this also takes three to four years. Different and yet the same.

The only REAL difference is that the men are blamed for taking so long to learn: Women get a free ride and are not blamed. THAT is a cultural error.

As for women becoming one of the men? NO! Not even a little bit of it. Women are becoming a 'photograph' of what men are, none of the problems we men face are translated into the women. Women pick up the advantages of being male, but none of the disadvantages. Men lose the advantages of being male, keep the disadvantages of being male, pick up the disadvantages of being female and few of the advantages.
Quick Reply
Cancel
 
    Viewing this thread :: 0 registered and 1 guest
    No registered users viewing
    Advertisement

    Beliefnet On Facebook