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Switch to Forum Live View My unemployed spouse
7 years ago  ::  Oct 16, 2007 - 1:14AM #1
mz.jones
Posts: 4
I've been married to my husband for 20 yrs.; since we have been married he has never kept a job for over 1 yr.; at first I thought i cld handle it and thought tht maybe it wld chng; i did some things that i'm not so proud of but used him not wking as an excuse; i even left him for 2 yrs. and in those 2 yrs almost everyday he wld ask me to get back w/him; due to my guilt of wht i had done i went back to him w/the stipulation tht he wld wk and tht if he quit then our marriage was over; well tht went out the window; because since i've been back w/him he's been in/out of wk and now he's been unemployed for a yr.; even though he's at not wking; he does do my laundry, cook dinner and keeps my house clean; but w/him not wking; it's starting to get to me; i've been struggling with this for a while; i pray about it hoping tht God wld guide me.  I'm almost on the verge of leaving this marriage and just living by myself; i'm currently wking two jobs and everyday on my way hm i have horrible thoughts about him being unemployed and tht he shld be wking too; he claims tht he wants to take care of me and wk but it has gotten where i no longer believe anything he says; Am i being unreasonable or do I need to just call it wht it is and cut my losses? 20 yrs is a long time.
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 16, 2007 - 2:58PM #2
qtbabe
Posts: 823
Hi Mz.jones,  Yes, 20 yrs is a long time for a marriage, and it's a nice number years of memories (I thought).  What are the quality of those years? is it worthed to have a long working day and looking forward to go home being with him? If the answer is "no" for everyday, then you can consider to call it as a quit.  However, if the answer is  "no" for one or 2 days per week, then it is normal and you should focus on those happy times that you have with him.  I'm sorry that I can't related to your story because I love to go work, but my husband refused to stay home and take care the kids.  I would trade your place in a heart beat! since you said he's cleaning and cooking...My god! I love to see my husband in the kitchen! and Cooking! and keep the house clean too??? that sounds like an awsome husband to have......but unfortunately, we always like what we don't have.....:(.  I wish you the best and hope all work out well for you!
Regards
QT:)
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 16, 2007 - 5:30PM #3
DustyLady
Posts: 430
You say that your husband is not working, but then say that he does the laundry, cleans the house, and cooks.  To me, that sounds like a good job.  There are plenty of women who stay home to take care of things there, and yet when men choose to do this very thing people think less of them.  I suspect that your husband has indeed found his true calling, that of being a house-husband and supporting you -- the bread-winner.  Now, you did mention that you are working two jobs.  Does your family really need the second income?  Maybe this can be a point of discussion for the two of you.

Dusty
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 18, 2007 - 1:08PM #4
redstreek
Posts: 2
I am in a similar situation.  Except my husband will only cook when he realizes that is the only way to get what he wants for dinner. (My youngest is allergic to milk and after a long day at work I don't want to cook two meals).  The house only gets cleaned on weekends when I am home. He doesn't do laundry. (he prefers to have one of his friends over to play video games all night, sleep all day, and then complain that the house is a mess.) My boys are also special needs children.  My oldest no longer needs therapy (my husband is actually involved with him) My youngest is tactile defensive and attends OT for that and other sensory issues.  My husband doesn't offer to help take him to dr. appt so that I don't miss work and he doesn't spend time with him unless I force the issue.  So I fully understand what it feels like to be alone in a marriage.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 18, 2007 - 3:54PM #5
PaulaEdwina
Posts: 1,720
First I have to say that I must be old, because I find text speech distracting.

However, my 2cents: he's working. He keeps your house clean and cooks your dinner. Maybe he isn't the type of person who likes working outside the home. As another poster put it; if he were the wife fewer people would see what the deal was.

Paula
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 18, 2007 - 5:28PM #6
Glory2Glory
Posts: 100
As a couple, you have to agree that one person will stay at home and take care of the house, and the other person will work outside the home. 

This sounds like a manipulative effort on his part, and it's working.  Yes, cleaning and cooking is definitely work, but he knows you're reluctant to leave so he does what he wants.

You've got to decide:  if things never change, can you live with it?  If so, then live with it now.  If not, then you need to make a change, either by separating from him or really putting your foot down about him keeping a job.

The best to you.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 18, 2007 - 5:56PM #7
DustyLady
Posts: 430
My apologies for momentarily side-tracking the discussion.  But, Paula, you're not the only one here who is irritated by chat speak.

Now I return you to your regularly-scheduled discussion.

Dusty
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 19, 2007 - 8:02AM #8
Tmarie64
Posts: 5,277
Honestly, I didn't bother to reply because anyone too lazy to type properly doesn't really deserve my time.  I couldn't read the whole thing because an adult should be able to TYPE the whole word.
James Thurber - "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 20, 2007 - 5:46AM #9
Tmarie64
Posts: 5,277
How do you stay married for 20 years and not discuss this?  Why discuss it here? 
What has happened that it is suddenly a problem?  You can't go for 20 years accepting something then suddenly decide that you're "tired" of it.
He does what any stay at home wife would do...  Who is the new man?  Where did you meet him?  When?
James Thurber - "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 20, 2007 - 2:41PM #10
michelle420
Posts: 3
I can sympathize because I am in almost the exact same situation. My 8 year relationship is slowly going down the same path. The other factors I like to consider is the love life and the quality of the time you spend together.  He may do all these things around the house (like my boyfriend) but there are multiple parts to a successful functioning relationship.  I expect a quality love life and you should too. I also feel like if he is going to take this time to be at home the house should be spotless, not just surface cleaned. If you have the time to do it, do it right, is my motto.  I hope together we can work out these problems we have with our significant others but I understand it is VERY stressful, and for me to think of myself putting up with the same thing for another 12 years makes me want to cry!  Be strong and do what you have to do. (I should take my own advice!)

Michelle
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