Post Reply
Switch to Forum Live View My wife doesn't find me attractive
7 years ago  ::  Oct 15, 2007 - 5:13PM #1
Orlando
Posts: 1
We have been married for over 17 years and my wife is telling me she doesn't find me attractive anymore.  She seems to find fault with me or is easily angered if I talk to her about it.  Sex, kissing, hand holding are no longer allowed for the last several months.  The topic of divorce has even been brought up.  I do take care of myself and though I'm not a stud, I'm a nice looking man with a kind heart.  I did ask if there was another man and she denies it.  We have two kids and I do love my wife but I'm not sure what to do in this situation.  Any advice?
Quick Reply
Cancel
7 years ago  ::  Oct 15, 2007 - 7:24PM #2
DustyLady
Posts: 430
I'm a little puzzled as to why your wife's feelings for you would have changed so suddenly.  What else has changed?  Have you changed in some way, in your words or actions, or has she?  Why is she holding you up to a different standard than she did before?  Have you considered discussing these things with her?

Dusty
Quick Reply
Cancel
7 years ago  ::  Oct 15, 2007 - 8:58PM #3
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
Orlando,

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing in your marriage.  It is so important to be seen as attractive by one's spouse, and it is so hard to hear that is not the case anymore.  You are getting the message that the physical side of your marriage has ended, that there will be no more affection, touching, kissing, or sex - ever (several months may as well be an eternity really).

How clear are you about where you want things to go?  There are many choices available to you, and the fact that she makes choices as well should be kept in mind also.

Perhaps you would be willing to describe just how the physical dimension of your relationship has worked in the past and how it has been broached currently.

All the best.

Arnie
Quick Reply
Cancel
7 years ago  ::  Oct 16, 2007 - 12:01AM #4
qtbabe
Posts: 823
Hi Orlando,

I'm very sad to read your post because I am in your wife's position in some ways but not exactly the same. I don't act on how I felt toward him with my feeling.  I never find my husband attractive ever before or after marriage.  In fact I didn't know what attraction was until I turned to 32.  I never told my husband that he's not attractive.  I think  he's a nice looking man with a warm heart, great father and provider.  He's totally a family man and a keeper that something a woman would say.  However, if I pass by him in the market, I would not turn my head around and check him out.  So, in my situation, the attraction is never there so I didn't change but realized about it much later than I supposed to......This physical attraction had bugged me a lot and people on the marriage board probably knew and remember me wrote about this as well.  It bugged me because I turned my head 180 degree when I see a handsome one which I hate to do...I felt guilty! Besides all that, we pretty much have a normal loving marriage. We give passionate to each other and have sex daily.  I just wish I have some sparkle when I look into his eyes but I only can look at him or love him like I love my brother.

Sorry, I only can tell you how I feel about my situation, but not much help!  Personally, I think if there was attraction in the beginning of your marriage, you always can re-candle that sparkling back to your life.  If something was there, and it is not now because of some friction during marriage life, you always can bring it back.  This doesn't work for me because mine was never there because I was young and naive and did not know what I want.  Even that, I'm responsible for my decision and make the best of it.  I wish you the best of luck!

QT:)
Quick Reply
Cancel
7 years ago  ::  Oct 16, 2007 - 12:54AM #5
mz.jones
Posts: 4
Hi Orlando
I'm sorry to hear about ur situation; and u seem to be a good husband tht only wants to stay married to his wife; but i'm sorry to say; but she is not being truthful to you; I had a friend tht was in a similar situation; I'm a woman who has done some not so proud things to her husband and knowing first hand; she's not being truthful to you; I'm finding it hard to believe tht after 17 yrs of marriage she is now finding u unattractive; u need to have someone watch the children; plan a quiet evening and get her to sit down and lay everything out on the table;  don't let her know wht ur doing; therefore she will not be able to come up w/an excuse as to why she can't; but when u do tt her; let her know tht she can be honest and tht if there is no hope for ur marriage then she shld not have a problem with being honest with u.
Quick Reply
Cancel
7 years ago  ::  Mar 04, 2008 - 6:29PM #6
stupid
Posts: 1
watch her she might be cheating on you my wife was and it was the same situation!!BEWARE
Quick Reply
Cancel
7 years ago  ::  Mar 04, 2008 - 10:02PM #7
deelovinlife
Posts: 8
[QUOTE=Barði;333060]Yeah she is cheating on you.  Time to start moving assets into places that will be protected in the divorce.[/QUOTE]


the only time I didnt want attention from my husband this past year was when I thought he was cheating; I also thought he had serious hygeine issues but mostly how he treated me; he always screamed at me and cursed at me; who wants to get close to someone screaming at them all the time and not to mention he was never home gone 7to 8 weeks at a time so I guess I got used to it.  I am sorry for what you are going through but if you havent changed anything then it sounds like the 7 year itch;  talk to her about it; share feelings; if she wont share then she has something to hide. be careful:)  god bless you hon
Quick Reply
Cancel
7 years ago  ::  Mar 05, 2008 - 11:39PM #8
angpuppy
Posts: 520
[QUOTE=Orlando;1406]We have been married for over 17 years and my wife is telling me she doesn't find me attractive anymore.  She seems to find fault with me or is easily angered if I talk to her about it.  Sex, kissing, hand holding are no longer allowed for the last several months.  The topic of divorce has even been brought up.  I do take care of myself and though I'm not a stud, I'm a nice looking man with a kind heart.  I did ask if there was another man and she denies it.  We have two kids and I do love my wife but I'm not sure what to do in this situation.  Any advice?[/QUOTE]

Attraction is not simply based skin deep.  That is how it typically begins, but it grows or is repelled on deeper levels.  At least this is especially the case for women.  If we become resentful toward people we once were attracted to, they become less attractive to us.  If we feel like we're being used, that person becomes less attractive. 

I would sit and talk to her about any areas of resentment she might have.  If this immediately escalates into an argument where you're both defending your actions, this goes no where and is a sign of the problem.  You have to be attentive to each other's emotional needs, and often times our own pride can get in the way of this.  We can also become overly demanding of the other.

Her receptivity to anything you do will be based on how committed she is to keeping this relationship.  If she's already dead set that she wants out, than she likely won't budge.  But if she wants to try to make this work, than focus on winning hear heart through non-sexual means.

In Church communities there also can be marriage encounter weekends, but if you're not religious it might not fit you.  The best one I've heard for in Catholic circles is called Retro vive.  Typically these weekends involve getting away from life, working on communication skills in workshops helping you to discover things about each other.
Quick Reply
Cancel
7 years ago  ::  Mar 05, 2008 - 11:51PM #9
angpuppy
Posts: 520
[QUOTE=qtbabe;1916]Hi Orlando,

I'm very sad to read your post because I am in your wife's position in some ways but not exactly the same. I don't act on how I felt toward him with my feeling.  I never find my husband attractive ever before or after marriage.  In fact I didn't know what attraction was until I turned to 32.  I never told my husband that he's not attractive.  I think  he's a nice looking man with a warm heart, great father and provider.  He's totally a family man and a keeper that something a woman would say.  However, if I pass by him in the market, I would not turn my head around and check him out.  So, in my situation, the attraction is never there so I didn't change but realized about it much later than I supposed to......This physical attraction had bugged me a lot and people on the marriage board probably knew and remember me wrote about this as well.  It bugged me because I turned my head 180 degree when I see a handsome one which I hate to do...I felt guilty! Besides all that, we pretty much have a normal loving marriage. We give passionate to each other and have sex daily.  I just wish I have some sparkle when I look into his eyes but I only can look at him or love him like I love my brother.

Sorry, I only can tell you how I feel about my situation, but not much help!  Personally, I think if there was attraction in the beginning of your marriage, you always can re-candle that sparkling back to your life.  If something was there, and it is not now because of some friction during marriage life, you always can bring it back.  This doesn't work for me because mine was never there because I was young and naive and did not know what I want.  Even that, I'm responsible for my decision and make the best of it.  I wish you the best of luck!

QT:)[/QUOTE]

Aren't women supposed to reach their sexual peak at about thirty?  Could it be that that was it?

Honestly for me, I rarely ever see a man so attractive I'll turn around and look again.  When I was in middle school and high school, men always seemed either ugly or normal.  In my early twenties though, some men pointed out to me that I acted like I was resentful toward all men, and upon self examination, I was.  I found that as I forgave men and stopped expecting the worst of them, if I looked for their beauty, I began finding it.  Then my attraction grew for men.

I don't think attraction is just surface.  People are attractive when their beauty is very easily seen by us.  But when we are attracted to people, we are attracted to a beauty we either focus on our attention on or immediately see.  Thus perhaps you might feel more attracted to your spouse if you sought to make an effort to point out to yourself all your spouse's good qualities, any positive observations.  Even journaling.  It'll help you grow in appreciation of their overall goodness and beauty.

I've even made efforts to do that at work and to treat people better.  I, in the past, have made an effort to think of at least 3 good qualities of the people I come across throughout the day.  If I start getting upset at someone, the effort to consciously think about their good qualities must increase.  And I can't just list them mindlessly.  I have to truly spend a moment pandering their good quality and offering thanks for that small gift that person offers in themselves.  How precious that person is and how distracted I become by their flaws.
Quick Reply
Cancel
 
    Viewing this thread :: 0 registered and 1 guest
    No registered users viewing
    Advertisement

    Beliefnet On Facebook