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Switch to Forum Live View Starting a new relationship
7 years ago  ::  Oct 13, 2007 - 10:11PM #1
Beliefnetsabee
Posts: 600
Would you consider starting a new relationship before your divorce was final?
I always remember that for every word typed there is a real person sitting behind the keyboard.
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 15, 2007 - 6:51PM #2
ncsearching
Posts: 20
No - just because that other relationship needs to be closed. Final - for both of them and for the new relationship to be free to grow.
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 15, 2007 - 8:38PM #3
AsetAmitAb
Posts: 9
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to your question.  I think the only thing you can do is what is right for you.  Everyone's situation is different and everone deals with things differently.  Good luck.
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 17, 2007 - 2:21PM #4
ncsearching
Posts: 20
Maybe my judgement is skewed because my ex had someone before he decided to ask for a divorce. I feel like leaving should be because it can't be fixed, not because someone else looks better.
I know that every one is different but sometimes I wish there were somethings that were just black and white - right or wrong, you know? I know I sound harsh, but from my perspective it's just so easy to not be responsible anymore for our actions in so many respects these days.
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 18, 2007 - 3:38PM #5
JenellY
Posts: 15
I've come to beleive that it really is best to get out of one frying pan before jumping into to another!  I've experienced it both ways, and from both my side and his, and I really now beleive that even at best, any of us are off balance when ending and coming out of a marriage/long term committed relationship. We just don't have what it takes to use good judgment. We are reacting, so to speak, rather than acting, if that makes any sense to you.  If we get involved in a new relationship before we have truly closed the previous one and found stable footing again, we do so as a wounded person that hasn't had time to heal. 
But now, here I am talking about getting involved with someone else AFTER a separation and the initiation of a divorce, not entering a new involvement while still supposedly in the old one. This latter i think is the worst set-up for disaster, whether it is you or the new partner doing this. When one or the other is still 'offically' in an existing relationship, ie no separation or divorce begun, and of course, before their 'old' partner even knows what is happening, any possiblity of trust in the new relationship gets cut off from the get go. to be honest, this is nothing more than an extramarital affair, and both know it! How can either ever trust the other not to do the same to them later?
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 18, 2007 - 4:54PM #6
princess0602
Posts: 271
I started a new relationship, the "transition" relationship prior to my divorce.  I did ask for the divorce and filed the paperwork with the clerk prior to dating anyone.  My husband viewed it as an affair and a betrayal.  The marriage was OVER!  It has been 5 years and he still hasn't grasped the concept of OVER.  I often wonder what his fiance thinks about his facination with me and the lack of ability to grasp the word OVER.  LOL

My current boyfriend shopped around for along time until he found me which he believed was suitable enough to "help him get through it" and then he told his wife of 30 years that he hadn't been happy for most of their marriage.   There are alot of people like this...especially men.

Hugs!

Leah
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 19, 2007 - 5:48PM #7
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
JenellY,

Welcome to the Divorce Forum!  I hope you can stick around awhile and interact with some of the great members here - some of whom are still trickling in from the old site.  In case you did't know, Monday Beliefnet switched to a new site.  So welcome aboard!

Your point is very well taken about finishing the old before starting anew.  What you describe is quite common - that many who jump into a new relationship too quickly before fully recovering from the divorce (or even being finished with it) experience much difficulty in the new relationships.  It's understandable, because going from a committed relationship to being completely alone is so difficult - it's natural to want the companionship and closeness, and yes sex, that one had in the marriage.  As you put is so well, it often doesn't turn out for the best.

Maybe you would be willing to share what worked for you in moving past the breakup.

Blessings,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce Forum
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 19, 2007 - 6:38PM #8
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
Leah,

Welcome to our new home!

Although you have moved on - and had emotionally done so even before the divorce - your ex is still finding it hard to accept the finality of it.  It must be difficult dealing with all of that.

Your current bf did the opposite by starting to see you before leaving his wife.  Perhaps you would be willing to share what kind of issues have come up in your relationship with him over his ex.

All the best!

Arnie
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 20, 2007 - 5:27PM #9
nillawafer
Posts: 587
although my husband and i were married in a unitarian service and i really don't remember the "vows" we made to eachother (they were more like hopes or prayers) i ended up returning to my catholic roots, so when he asked for a divorce and we separated, i lived by my religious teachings' edicts. we were married and not single,  and for me our separation revolved around needing time to learn how to live apart  and alone (a first for me).

i guess a person's feelings about the meaning of marriage would come into play here. some feel marriage is based on feelings, others just the paper. i think it was a commitment to eachothers' well-being throughout our lives.dating while married would have been disrespectful to me, although i guess he had other relationships. he is gone from this world now but i still pray for him and hope he does the same for me.
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 23, 2007 - 1:42PM #10
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
nillawafer,

Welcome to the new forum - glad you could make it over!  I hope you can continue to share your thoughts and wisdom with us in our new home.  Although the divorce was painful, you also grieve his loss from this world as well and still miss him.  I am sure he is in heaven and is also praying for you!

I agree with what you wrote about commitment being more important than feelings in the long run for a marriage.  Feelings come and go, and it is a quite common pattern for a couple to have a protracted period of "misery" after the bloom is off the rose, so to speak.  That's where the commitment part comes in.  It is easy to be "committed" when feelings are good; it is much more difficult when they are not.

Blessings,
Arnie
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