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Switch to Forum Live View Why did you get divorced?
11 years ago  ::  Nov 12, 2007 - 12:49AM #31
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
superstar1219,

A belated welcome to the Divorce e& Separation Forum, and sorry for what brought you here.  I hope you are able ti stay awhile and share some more of your experiences with us.

After years of putting up with unacceptable behavior, you finally realized that you deserved to have a joyful and loving marriage.  You are now moving towards that possibility by extricating yourself from a marriage in which you felt abandoned.  And yet somehow part of you still feels guilty.

All the best,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation
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11 years ago  ::  Nov 12, 2007 - 12:55AM #32
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
aidannme,

Welcome to the Divorce & Separation Forum, and sorry for what brought you here too.  There are caring members who are happy to share thoughts and ideas.  I hope you can stay awhile and share some more of what is going on for you.

After many years of accepting abusive behavior, you finally had enough and chose to separate rather than continue in that terrible situation.  As better as that is, part of you still sees the man you once fell in love with and perhaps have thoughts of somehow getting that man back.  So there is still a part of you that is holding on to the hope that the marriage could still somehow be fixed.  Although another part of you recognizes the futility of that, you find it impossible to not have those thoughts.  Perhaps they are also keeping you from being free to move on with your life.

I wish you all the best,

ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation
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11 years ago  ::  Nov 16, 2007 - 4:32PM #33
need4truth
Posts: 39
Hello,

It's coming up on the year mark for when my ex and I separated. We divorced (amicably) a few weeks ago.

It's strange, because I now fall into the new social category of being in a "starter marriage." I'm young, no kids, and the marriage lasted less than 7 years (who defines what a "short-term marriage" is, anyway?).

I left my ex because I endured three and a half years of emotional and verbal abuse. He was also addicted to porn and blamed me for it. I reached a breaking point when I had five months off between my undergrad and graduate education. The relationship was making me emotionally and physically ill. After several months of chaotic mediation, my ex and I decided that it would be best if we parted ways.

Even though this is what I wanted (i.e., being divorced), it's still painful. I now realize how much we take for granted on a daily basis. I think of the simple things I miss (e.g., being hugged every day, the smell of cologne), even things that people would consider an annoyance (e.g., the feeling of a stubbly face on my fingertips, etc.).

And so the journey begins...thanks for listening.

n4t
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11 years ago  ::  Nov 16, 2007 - 6:13PM #34
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
need4truth,

Welcome to the Divorce & Separation Board, and sorry for what brought you here.  There are many caring members who are happy to give feedback and share stories - and now you are one of us!  I hope you can stay awhile and share some more.

After all you endured in your marriage, it's a pleasant surprise that the divorce was managed to be amicable.  Maybe you have an idea about what changed that allowed that to happen.  This concept of a "starter marriage" is one I find strange, but it is definitely one that is out there.  When you got married was the idea that you would be married for a few years and then separate?  Or did you have every intent on your wedding day of growing old together?  It is so sad that all the hopes and dreams from that day turned to ashes with the reality of what happened.  I don't recall verbal abuse and porn ever being included in any wedding vows, so you had no idea that's what you were signing up for.

And yet, despite being glad to be out from under all the unacceptable things, you still miss many aspects of your relationship.  That is so natural and understandable.  It's never black-and-white at all, which is likely why the marriage was stayed in for several years.

I look forward to hearing more from you and wish you all the best.

ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
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11 years ago  ::  Nov 17, 2007 - 10:24AM #35
need4truth
Posts: 39
ArnieBeeGut,

Thanks for your reply.

After all you endured in your marriage, it's a pleasant surprise that the divorce was managed to be amicable. Maybe you have an idea about what changed that allowed that to happen.



Yes! My ex realized how much damage he had done, and that it was irreversible. So, he figured that nothing more could be done. He was acting horribly during the mediation, anyway. He aired our "dirty laundry" on a public email listserv!

When you got married was the idea that you would be married for a few years and then separate? Or did you have every intent on your wedding day of growing old together?



We intended for our relationship to be "forever." I don't know of any people who agree that a marriage would last only for a few years...unless of course it's a 24-year-old marrying an 84-year-old billionaire. ;)

It's never black-and-white at all, which is likely why the marriage was stayed in for several years.



This is the one thing that boggled the mind of the mediator. He didn't understand why I stayed silent for so many years. It's because I kept trying, and I believed that marriage was just "like that." It took me hitting rock bottom to realize that marriage shouldn't be a pathology.

Thanks,
n4t

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11 years ago  ::  Nov 17, 2007 - 12:55PM #36
shiloh43
Posts: 423
thats the best way to be need 4 truth cause you cant start all overa gain and you have no ties at all, and no reason to try and work it out with him heck no reason to tell anyone you were ever married if you didnt wont to, you ahve it good. I say this cause i am like you. i am still married but not happy. have no kids. justa  cat  taht i love. and a man that cares about me alot waiting for me to get divorced to be with him. what do you think, is that enough to get divorced and be on my own.
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11 years ago  ::  Nov 18, 2007 - 11:01AM #37
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
need4truth,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences!  It must have been so painful to see such intimate things put out in public.  Thankfully it did stop and you were able to come to a satisfactory resolution in the split.

When things got bad in your marriage, something caused you to believe that was "normal."  Having struggled for many years in what ultimately turned out to be a hopeless cause, maybe there is some insight as to how to approach a future intimate relationship.

All the best!

Arnie
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11 years ago  ::  Nov 20, 2007 - 9:26PM #38
foo62
Posts: 19
It feels like a very long time ago..and another lifetime now. 

We were married for nearly 10 years.  In that time, we had 4 wonderful kids, moved 9 times, ex went through 3-4 different jobs, bankruptsy, and an alochol problem.  The kids were definitely the best thing that happened (they were 3-9 when we split).  That and I learned things and grew.  I would not be the same person had we not been married.  All of the events listed above took their toll.  With the alcoholism and all the behavoirs associated, included me enabling him, we just couldnt go on.  Well, it was my ex's decision to end it.  He said he was tired of being the bad guy and had to find a way to be a good person again.  I was devastated at the time. 

Since then, I got some counseling and my friends and family held me up for a time.  They have been great.  I have done alot of good things for myself and continue to try to improve.  The kids are now 16-22 and very good people.   

I wish I could say my ex has moved on and improved things for himself as well.  While he has remarried and had 2 additional babies with a woman who brought in 2 sons, he has backslided.  His life is pretty sad now.  He is in jail for non payment of support and the wife and kids moved to Texas.  My kids have no contact with him by their own choice. 

The kids and I are far better off.   I cannot imagine what type of situation we would be in if their dad and I were still married.  As my daughter told her somewht misguided Health teacher when she tried to convince the students the only functional family is a 2 parent family, "My family is far more functional without my dad in the picture".  From the mouths of babes... well 17 yr olds.   

Take care.
J
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11 years ago  ::  Nov 24, 2007 - 7:43PM #39
UUCarl
Posts: 2
[QUOTE=smoothsable;533]Why did you get divorced? I did because my husband cheated on me[/QUOTE]

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) behaviors in my now former spouse.
FYI: http://www.bpdcentral.com/index.php

BPD is not well known and almost never appears in the press, but it is very prevalent.

UUCarl
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11 years ago  ::  Nov 24, 2007 - 7:43PM #40
UUCarl
Posts: 2
[QUOTE=smoothsable;533]Why did you get divorced? I did because my husband cheated on me[/QUOTE]

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) behaviors in my now former spouse.
FYI: http://www.bpdcentral.com/index.php

BPD is not well known and almost never appears in the press, but it is very prevalent.

UUCarl
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