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Switch to Forum Live View Why did you get divorced?
7 years ago  ::  Oct 23, 2007 - 8:57PM #21
ncsearching
Posts: 20
Thanks HD,

It does seem to be taking me longer than most to move forward. I don't know how everyone else moves into single from being a couple and a family, but I don't seem to get it. I guess that's why I come here. To see how everyone else is managing.

I think that I have to create a whole new belief system along with a new life - it's a bit overwhelming! I never thought that we would be any different from our parents - now I'm supposed to know how to be single? I didn't believe in divorce "just because - it's boring, or it's old, or it's too hard" which is what seems to be my ex's belief. He just wants to be free to be a teenager forever.

And so now I'm supposed to do things for me - and I don't remember what I used to "want to be when I grew up" - and now it seems that's what I'm supposed to figure out - 25 years later!
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2007 - 12:43PM #22
tonieee
Posts: 3
My ex-husband had an affair, woman got pregnant, child born from it. So I divorced him.
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2007 - 1:05PM #23
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
ncsearching,

ncsearching wrote:

It does seem to be taking me longer than most to move forward

Part of you is feeling impatient at your progress and feels that you should be somewhere other than where you are right now.

I don't know how everyone else moves into single from being a couple and a family, but I don't seem to get it. I guess that's why I come here. To see how everyone else is managing.

Maybe you are seeing some ways that might prove helpful to you.

You are finding yourself in a whole new world that you never imagined might happen, and are having difficulty finding your way.  It's almost as if you have awakened from a long sleep and found the world as you envisioned it has changed completely.  All of the things you thought and believed don't seem to apply to this new world.  You have also having difficulty discerning which are your beliefs and which ones you absorbed from your ex.  You are recognizing that some of those attitudes are not consistent with how you see a mature adult to be.

All the best,
Arnie

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7 years ago  ::  Oct 30, 2007 - 8:12PM #24
ncsearching
Posts: 20
Yes Arnie,
I am also seeing that everyone has different reactions to things. I notice that some who were cheated on did the divorcing and some of us seem to be willing to put up with lots more and still don't want to divorce. I wonder how I changed from being one who had the attitude that I "would never put up with..." to where I am now - wishing to try again with one who has been so ugly to me.  Did the years wear away at the self esteem or was it ever real? Thats something I need to figure out.
And yes - you really got it - I do sometimes feel like I was asleep and woke up with everything upsidedown.
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 31, 2007 - 1:26AM #25
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
nc,

So even though you were completely before the fact clear that infidelity would be a dealbreaker, when it actually happened, as painful as it was, part of you still wanted to work it out.  And part of you still is longing for a reconciliation even now.   So you are now questioning whether you have been damaged by the experience and even second-guessing your own judgment.  In this new world, you are finding it difficult to get oriented, and perhaps the safety of something "known," even if painful, is better than not knowing what to do.

Blessings,
Arnie
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 31, 2007 - 6:51PM #26
HDRomper
Posts: 242
When my first wife and I split up it was her choice. It really, really hurt to say the least. It seems that when it isn't our own choice and we never get to know the real "why" it takes a lot longer to come to terms with ending the relationship. It feels like maybe if I would have done this or maybe that, things would not have turned out the way they did. Haunts you day and night....

Encourged by my friends I tried dating a couple of times and when I did I felt like I was cheating. I kept holding on to some hope that she would stop trying to "find herself" and return. Not feeling comfortable with the idea that I would run into her when she was with someone else, I moved away, found new friends and a new job. That helped some. Again with encourgement I starting seeing women again. Looking back I see that was not a good choice for me. I should have taken more time for myself and worked on my list of the qualities I wanted in myself and the person I would marry. Instead, I married the first woman that treated me nice and stuck around..... dreadful mistake because she wasn't for real. I bailed....

Guess what I am saying is that your time table is yours. However amount of time it takes for you to feel you are ready, take that time. Otherwise you may risk making another dreadful mistake.

Blessings
HD
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 31, 2007 - 6:51PM #27
HDRomper
Posts: 242
When my first wife and I split up it was her choice. It really, really hurt to say the least. It seems that when it isn't our own choice and we never get to know the real "why" it takes a lot longer to come to terms with ending the relationship. It feels like maybe if I would have done this or maybe that, things would not have turned out the way they did. Haunts you day and night....

Encourged by my friends I tried dating a couple of times and when I did I felt like I was cheating. I kept holding on to some hope that she would stop trying to "find herself" and return. Not feeling comfortable with the idea that I would run into her when she was with someone else, I moved away, found new friends and a new job. That helped some. Again with encourgement I starting seeing women again. Looking back I see that was not a good choice for me. I should have taken more time for myself and worked on my list of the qualities I wanted in myself and the person I would marry. Instead, I married the first woman that treated me nice and stuck around..... dreadful mistake because she wasn't for real. I bailed....

Guess what I am saying is that your time table is yours. However amount of time it takes for you to feel you are ready, take that time. Otherwise you may risk making another dreadful mistake.

Blessings
HD
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 03, 2007 - 11:07PM #28
superstar1219
Posts: 1
[QUOTE=keesiewonder;5909]There are a variety of reasons, but perhaps the primary one is my now ex articulated that there are two groups of people in the world: 'family' and 'the outside world'. When I asked which group I was in, he said he was not really sure. (This was 12+ years after we met and nearly 9 years after we married.) When I tried to talk with him about what this was all about, he had some 'clever' passive-aggressive way of 'proving' that it really was my fault that he'd said any of this in the first place, so I shouldn't be upset with him. I filed for divorce about 2.5 years later. This was about 5 years ago.[/QUOTE]

Going through a divorce, knowing my husband since I was 16yrs. of age., After 11yrs. of marriage, Come to find this very passive-aggressive behavior was only the beginning. I truly feel he has a narssictic Personality Disorder. The feelings of guilt still overwhelms me, espically since I met someone who made me see all things in my marriage throught a different set of eyes. Not by his opinon, but because emotionally I was completed abandoned, did it all on my own. Yes he was here physically, but not emotionally. Is that what it felt like, you know the constant guilt. Always thinking the best of them.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 11, 2007 - 4:35PM #29
aidannme
Posts: 1
Hi all Im new to this site.  I have had a look around at the posts and look forward to joining you all.  It's infortunate for any of us to be here, but if we can support each other, awesome!

I separated from my husband May 2006, I had to call the police and have him arrested as he physically abused me in front of my son (who was 2 at the time) and threatened to take my son.  I believe he is bipolar and with his drinking that got very extreme it became really bad.  He became emotionally abusive, his mood swings were not tolerable I was always shaking like a leaf.  We were married almost 9 years at the point.  We used to do everything together and have so much fun.  Sad part is I still love him, and my son is trying so hard to understand the WHYS. 
I came to this group because I have moments still where I wish I can go back and FIX him so we can be a happy family again.  I know that is not realistic, but this is how I feel the times I see him when he is "normal" again.

big hugs to all
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 11, 2007 - 4:35PM #30
aidannme
Posts: 1
Hi all Im new to this site.  I have had a look around at the posts and look forward to joining you all.  It's infortunate for any of us to be here, but if we can support each other, awesome!

I separated from my husband May 2006, I had to call the police and have him arrested as he physically abused me in front of my son (who was 2 at the time) and threatened to take my son.  I believe he is bipolar and with his drinking that got very extreme it became really bad.  He became emotionally abusive, his mood swings were not tolerable I was always shaking like a leaf.  We were married almost 9 years at the point.  We used to do everything together and have so much fun.  Sad part is I still love him, and my son is trying so hard to understand the WHYS. 
I came to this group because I have moments still where I wish I can go back and FIX him so we can be a happy family again.  I know that is not realistic, but this is how I feel the times I see him when he is "normal" again.

big hugs to all
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