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Switch to Forum Live View Why did you get divorced?
7 years ago  ::  Oct 18, 2007 - 10:58AM #11
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
keesiewonder,

Welcome to the Divorce Forum, and sorry for the pain your experienced in your marriage.  There are many caring people here to share thoughts and feelings with, and I hope you can stay awhile.  Perhaps you would be willing to talk about what helped you move on following the divorce - what worked and what didn't.

You felt so hurt that you were not seen as part of the inside world after so many years of being together and being so committed to a lifetime partnership.  When you tried to talk it through, you were never able to get to a satisfactory place.  You felt made wrong, and that your feelings were not validated or accepted.  Perhaps there were some other elements that led to filing for divorce.  Now you feel you are over what happened and have been moving forward in your life.

I wish you all the best.

ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce Forum
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 22, 2007 - 2:37PM #12
MOMOF3KS
Posts: 1
Main reason for our seperation was that we could no longer get along.  He had cheated several times over the last 10 years.  No matter how much i said i forgave him....i could never forget..  The anger became to much for me.  He also had issues with drug use...not real bad..but more then i could take.  I finally descided that i didnt want my 3 children growing up in that type of enviorment.  Did not want girls to think it was ok for men to treat you that way, or for son to think it was ok to treat girls that way.  Long story short....finally descided to end the life we had together.  He moved in with OW....and kids stayed with me.  Have to say though that we now have better relationship then we did before.  We talk all the time and are best of friends.  Believe that is better for us and the kids.
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 22, 2007 - 6:32PM #13
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
MOMOF3KS,

Welcome to the Divorce Forum, and sorry for what brought you here.  There are many caring people who are happy to share their experiences and interact about the various facets of life after divorce.  I hope you can stay awhile and share more of your story and talk with others here.

Although part of you wanted to forgive, you found it was simply impossible to do so and mean it.  Perhaps because it happened repeatedly, you got tired of "forgiving" and then being taken advantage of.  You wanted to show a better model of relationships for the sake of your children, and also desired a healthier environment.  Now you are finding that a strictly platonic friendship is possible and comfortable.

A divorce was not mentioned - has the marriage in fact been dissolved?

All the best,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce Forum
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 22, 2007 - 8:41PM #14
keesiewonder
Posts: 221
Selling the house and changing churches helped a lot.  I also got a second dog. Attempts to date since the divorce, though have not gone well. It appears I am going to be so much more selective the second time around that now no one qualifies ... or if they do, my confidence is more than they can handle.

ArnieBeeGut wrote:

Perhaps you would be willing to talk about what helped you move on following the divorce - what worked and what didn't.

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7 years ago  ::  Oct 23, 2007 - 10:52AM #15
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
keesiewonder,

So changing your physical and spiritual environment was a key element in healing from the breakup.  Just being in the new places allowed you to let go of what had happened. 

You want to investigate the possibility of a new relationship, but so far few men are acceptable, and those few who are are too intimidated to go further.

All the best,
Arnie
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 23, 2007 - 11:46AM #16
sapervi
Posts: 3
Ok, hello to all -from Israel and a Jew.
Am separated 26 years from wife but in loving contact with my 2 boys.
I think, MOMOF3KS t- you did right - as you decided to - make a gap, a distance, between you. this way - you did not have to go on and forgive him while knowing the pain of betrayal, and started your life anew - with the kids as your anchor to the world around you. taking the role momentarily , of both father and mother, made you more assertive, more "mature and responsible"  - and as you met later - you agreed to see a friend and forget the old mishaps - for your kids need both parents. realising that in the separation between parents - the kids are at faced with asituation that their parents are in 2 different "homes". . I let my boys - from the beginning - ask me all about the situation - and I encouraged them to "grow up only in understanding this"- but to remain kids with their schooling and friends.

As usual - each family is different. two people - can't be the same... but if you do not drown yourself in self-pity and go on with your life(as much as your emotions allow) - the pain will get "bearable".

I'm a happy grandfather of 4 - girl and boy with the older son , and just 2 months tweens with my younger son. I love the wives as my new daughters - and I find it a blessing that both sons - are accepted as "sons" each by his wife's family... I am very delighted that my sons have ggot loving wives, and not have to go on as I did...

I like to thank the Lord for this , and I do prey every day for their happiness and the healthy families they got. it is also with plesure to be a parent on the same level of good friendship  with both parents of my  daughters.

hope and prey you get the same results for your efforts.

   Yes, Im a bit different from anyone you know - I was injured in 1994 in a road-accident- and am alive, but disabled since. my love for my boys - got me this far.

all the best to you all.
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 23, 2007 - 12:50PM #17
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
saprevi,

Welcome to the brave new world of Beliefnet!  Thank  you for coming here and sharing your wisdom with us.  You have been through so much, and it is good that you have come to a place of peacfulness.

You might have shared this before, but maybe you would be willing to share the reasons why there has only been a separation and not an outright divorce.  After all these years it's not as if there has been a functional marriage.

Blessings,
Arnie
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 23, 2007 - 10:52AM #18
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
keesiewonder,

So changing your physical and spiritual environment was a key element in healing from the breakup.  Just being in the new places allowed you to let go of what had happened. 

You want to investigate the possibility of a new relationship, but so far few men are acceptable, and those few who are are too intimidated to go further.

All the best,
Arnie
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 23, 2007 - 11:46AM #19
sapervi
Posts: 3
Ok, hello to all -from Israel and a Jew.
Am separated 26 years from wife but in loving contact with my 2 boys.
I think, MOMOF3KS t- you did right - as you decided to - make a gap, a distance, between you. this way - you did not have to go on and forgive him while knowing the pain of betrayal, and started your life anew - with the kids as your anchor to the world around you. taking the role momentarily , of both father and mother, made you more assertive, more "mature and responsible"  - and as you met later - you agreed to see a friend and forget the old mishaps - for your kids need both parents. realising that in the separation between parents - the kids are at faced with asituation that their parents are in 2 different "homes". . I let my boys - from the beginning - ask me all about the situation - and I encouraged them to "grow up only in understanding this"- but to remain kids with their schooling and friends.

As usual - each family is different. two people - can't be the same... but if you do not drown yourself in self-pity and go on with your life(as much as your emotions allow) - the pain will get "bearable".

I'm a happy grandfather of 4 - girl and boy with the older son , and just 2 months tweens with my younger son. I love the wives as my new daughters - and I find it a blessing that both sons - are accepted as "sons" each by his wife's family... I am very delighted that my sons have ggot loving wives, and not have to go on as I did...

I like to thank the Lord for this , and I do prey every day for their happiness and the healthy families they got. it is also with plesure to be a parent on the same level of good friendship  with both parents of my  daughters.

hope and prey you get the same results for your efforts.

   Yes, Im a bit different from anyone you know - I was injured in 1994 in a road-accident- and am alive, but disabled since. my love for my boys - got me this far.

all the best to you all.
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 23, 2007 - 12:50PM #20
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
saprevi,

Welcome to the brave new world of Beliefnet!  Thank  you for coming here and sharing your wisdom with us.  You have been through so much, and it is good that you have come to a place of peacfulness.

You might have shared this before, but maybe you would be willing to share the reasons why there has only been a separation and not an outright divorce.  After all these years it's not as if there has been a functional marriage.

Blessings,
Arnie
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