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Sticky: Welcome to the Divorce Forum!
6 years ago  ::  Mar 21, 2008 - 3:15PM #51
PDAvalon03
Posts: 16
Like many of you.  I have experienced the pain of divorce.  I liken it to standing on the edge of a minefield with a blindfold on....and then someone tells you to start walking....you have no idea of how long and wide the minefield, nor where the mines are laid.....but you begin walking.......hoping the whole time you don't blow up.....

I've written about this in my personal memoir titled A WALK WITH DAIMON: where fate and free will collide, and have created my own company ROAD S?GNS, designed to help people deal with the pain of the intersections in their lives when fate and free will collide....check out my profile........or my website www.roadsigns.cc for more info....
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 22, 2008 - 2:03PM #52
hopethrufaith
Posts: 92
I'm sorry, I just realized I never did post here so that you all would know about me. I got quite icaught up with the Depression Support.
After 7 years I am still struggling and in pain from my divorce.
I NEED to "get on" with my life. Actually, I NEED to Get A Life.   
April 2001 :  I was 1 month shy of my 27th anniversary when, one morning before going to work, my husband informed me that he had filed for divorce. Needless to say I was QUITE shocked! My next reaction was total panic "Oh God, what am I gonna do". Then in the next few days, total despair and unbearable sadness. My world had come crashing down! I didn't even ask "why" for a day or 2 and then the answer was that he was "unhappy "and that he thought that "I would want a divorce too". This started a 7 year journey dealing with (chronic) Clinical Depression and the NEVER ENDING divorce. Now, don't get me wrong. I was not a clinging, mamby-pamby wife that had no life or personality without her husband. I was a strong (in most things), independent person. I loved to laugh, have friends and do things with them. I was getting quite involved with my church-esp. the women's groups. I had my own (small) business that I ran out of my home, 2 children-the youngest of which was graduating and then leaving for college. I was about to be an empty nester and was ready to embark on a new journey with my husband. I think that this mind set was why it all hit me so hard.
I think the last 7 years have been about dealing with the divorce and the Depression and I have not really dealt with "being" divorced. I have talked about the divorce and have talked about Depression (with therapists) but have not really talked about "being" divorced. Maybe this is where I can start to do that.
I call it the "Never Ending Divoce" because even tho it was finalized in 2002, I am still going to court regarding my spousal support. He doesn't think he should have to pay me anything, he pays for a while and then doesn't, he is always in arrears, and he wants to take some of my Social Security Disability payments to pay him back some of the support money. It's VERY hard to move on when this never seems to go away.
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 29, 2008 - 10:12AM #53
lookingforHISwill
Posts: 2
Hey, ArnieBG,

New to Beliefnet community forums and groups. Am I the only one who has had difficulties navigating this site? I consider myself computer literate!!
Anyway, hope this message gets to the right "host".
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 29, 2008 - 6:25PM #54
lookingforHISwill
Posts: 2
Does anyone out there regret their divorce and think they could have worked it out, instead of giving up?

I have 26 years and 4 children "invested" in my marriage, but feel nothing for my husband. We have had the worst 2-3 years of our marriage, with forclosure, business failure, alcohol abuse and financial tragedy (not all in that order...)

Just need some feedback.
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 29, 2008 - 6:56PM #55
boodlebear
Posts: 1,053
Feedback for what? Are you wanting to hear someone tell you to stick it out? 
Do you want to stick it out?
Would you be willng to share more of what the problems are?
As a guess, the alcohol abuse started the ball rolling downhill.
Just a guess.
But, I've been on the receiving end of the abuse.
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6 years ago  ::  Apr 01, 2008 - 5:13PM #56
hopethrufaith
Posts: 92
Looking FHS-Hi. Welcome to the site. Navigating the site does get easier the more you use it. Try going to the Knowledge Base group to post questions. There are also a couple of other places where you can get tech. help. When I find them, I will post them for you. Is there a name or initials or someathing we can call you. Your screen name is a mouthful. Lin
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6 years ago  ::  Apr 03, 2008 - 12:08PM #57
BrokenHeart22
Posts: 4
Hello...
I am 29 yrs old and have been married to my husband for almost 3 yrs and overall together for 12 yrs since I was 18. After being together for 8 and half years we decided to get married. We did have our problems in which I always controlled and decided everything and him as the good man he was tolerated it for so long. I have 4 siblings who are older than me and I always ran to them for decision making when it should of been my partner. I learned all these things now as my situation got messier and messier. After a year being married he told me he wasnt happy and I ignored it. Realizing now I wish I could of turned back time but it was definitely a lesson learned. He started not feeling worth it as a husband bc I never made him feel man enough. He always kept his feelings inside until he started becoming friends with an older woman...she was 39 and he was 29. She worked at his job as an admin and he worked for another dept as an accountant. They knew eachother for quite sometime..she knew he was recently married and liked him anyway. She had a 17yr old son and was single. She started becoming his friend as well him to her. After awhile their friendship started growing and growing until lines were crossed. 6 months later she called my house and told me and my husband admitted it and was devastated and angry bc he tried to end things with her and she took it upon  herself to let me know...I went crazy and we seperated for a week or so..then I let it come back in the meantime I felt so humiliated that I told everyone to humiliate him...I took the wrong route which I realized later on. In the four months he got angry and started an affair again with the same women and then regretted it after one night in which led him to face the biggest diaster of all time...she got pregnant with his baby. My whole world and his crashed before our eyes...the man who was my husband who's life was with me and all our dreams as one diminished. He told me and was devastated bc he begged and begged her not to have it but the malicious woman who knew it was the only way to get him said I am having it with or without you bc I know I will never have the chance to have another kid. I kicked him out and it is now 1 yr seperated and his baby is now 6 months. We both have learned alot from this and still love eacother. I am so lost bc half of me wants to let go and the other half wants my husband back..so much as happened during this past year. I know he wants to come back and I know he wants his life with me...if he wanted his life with that older woman he would of been with her...he lives at his parents and sees his son everyday. He is scared that if he comes back home I will not allow him to see his son...which is soo not true...the baby is innocent, I am soo frustrated I go crazy bc I know he loves me and wants to come home..and something or someone is brainwashing him to not come back...I feel so lost...and after all this time I know I am a better person and realize all my flaws to know and appreciate what i want. I pray alot and have faith and when I start to focus on me something pulls me back to have that hope he will come back...I am torn..I want to be happpy and have a family and I see myself in the same hole. I live alone in our home and its the worse feeling not having the one I love in our home that we build and work hard for as a couple.  My story is soo messy and so complicated for anyone to really understand but the two of us and its just mind boggling to realize this is my reality!!
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6 years ago  ::  Apr 28, 2008 - 11:11AM #58
donmarie
Posts: 1
[QUOTE=ArnieBeeGut;137]Welcome to the Divorce Forum!  This is a place where those struggling with the pain of a hurting or troubled marriage can interact and share thoughts and feelings.  The pain of divorce is among the most difficult to deal with, and many here are struggling with deep pain.  Here some of that pain can be expressed and possibly released as members find their way towards healing.  By listening respectfully and giving constructive feedback, members can help each other as well as themselves.


Blessings,

ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce Forum[/QUOTE]

this is my first time at this site....i am really hurting.. my husband of 19 years has recently asked for a seperation.  we have been having tough times for about 2 years...mostly over financial issues....he just hasn't been able to make money with his career  where we live....he has tried to diversify his work but mostly without any financial  gains...he has been involved with many different causes...trying to change and improve the world while our world has been collapsing...i feel so used...fatigued from work and everyday maintaining my family.  i asked him to do more...he always says he is doing the best he can...i've said he needs to do more..it's not enough.  in his mind i have been mean and not supportive...ripping out his heart and self esteem.  in reality all i wanted was something to show his support for me...for our children...try anything...

he will only do what "he is good at"  and he is good at his career just not successful

our issues became more complicated over the past 6 months...in an effort to work...he has moved to do business 2 hours from the house...mostly started with weekends upstate...the children and i couldn't go due to all the children's activities on weekends....we did go when we could....4 months ago he met ...the woman he has been searching for his whole life...he is in love with her....not that way with me anymore....i feel so betrayed..after over 21 years together...2 children...support throughtout  and yes i was mean sometimes out of frustration and fatigue.

i'm incredibly sad....can't stop crying...i still love him want to rekindle the love we had for so long....how can he throw it all away after knowing her for short a time...after only 2 years of unhappiness???  we were happy for so long and i believed we could work through anything....our motto was not rich with money but rich in love...

please help me..i can use any suggestions.
donmarie
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6 years ago  ::  Apr 28, 2008 - 11:11AM #59
donmarie
Posts: 1
[QUOTE=ArnieBeeGut;137]Welcome to the Divorce Forum!  This is a place where those struggling with the pain of a hurting or troubled marriage can interact and share thoughts and feelings.  The pain of divorce is among the most difficult to deal with, and many here are struggling with deep pain.  Here some of that pain can be expressed and possibly released as members find their way towards healing.  By listening respectfully and giving constructive feedback, members can help each other as well as themselves.


Blessings,

ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce Forum[/QUOTE]

this is my first time at this site....i am really hurting.. my husband of 19 years has recently asked for a seperation.  we have been having tough times for about 2 years...mostly over financial issues....he just hasn't been able to make money with his career  where we live....he has tried to diversify his work but mostly without any financial  gains...he has been involved with many different causes...trying to change and improve the world while our world has been collapsing...i feel so used...fatigued from work and everyday maintaining my family.  i asked him to do more...he always says he is doing the best he can...i've said he needs to do more..it's not enough.  in his mind i have been mean and not supportive...ripping out his heart and self esteem.  in reality all i wanted was something to show his support for me...for our children...try anything...

he will only do what "he is good at"  and he is good at his career just not successful

our issues became more complicated over the past 6 months...in an effort to work...he has moved to do business 2 hours from the house...mostly started with weekends upstate...the children and i couldn't go due to all the children's activities on weekends....we did go when we could....4 months ago he met ...the woman he has been searching for his whole life...he is in love with her....not that way with me anymore....i feel so betrayed..after over 21 years together...2 children...support throughtout  and yes i was mean sometimes out of frustration and fatigue.

i'm incredibly sad....can't stop crying...i still love him want to rekindle the love we had for so long....how can he throw it all away after knowing her for short a time...after only 2 years of unhappiness???  we were happy for so long and i believed we could work through anything....our motto was not rich with money but rich in love...

please help me..i can use any suggestions.
donmarie
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6 years ago  ::  Apr 28, 2008 - 4:59PM #60
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
donmarie,

Welcome to the Divorce & Separation Forum, and sorry for what brought you here.  There are many caring members here to interact with and share stories and feedback with.  Now that you have introduced yourself, the next step is to start your own thread or respond to one of the existing ones.  I hope you can stay awhile and that it is a useful experience for you.

After many years, despite some bumps on the way, you had what you considered a good marriage.  So it came as a complete shock and surprise to discover that there is now another relationship going on, and it hurts so much to consider the possibility of what might happen next.  You want so much to try to heal your marriage, and are confused about why there isn't the same desire.  It all happened so fast, and you are also confused about why the pledge to "work through anything" was not kept.

It is completely possible to heal marriages, even ones that have experienced infidelity.  However, it does require the genuine desire of both spouses to do so.  Perhaps part of you still believes that your husband shares this desire.

Blessings,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Spearation
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