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6 years ago  ::  Nov 24, 2007 - 12:30AM #31
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
Stephanie,

I hope you survived Thanksgiving reasonably intact and where able to perhaps find some things to be thankful for.  Part of you is still finding it difficult to imagine ever being able to trust again, and part of you also recognizes that isolating and shutting off emotionally will not work in the long run either.  So perhaps you are also recognizing that now is a time for rebuilding and healing, of finding your own core self amidst the brokenness, and that this will take some time to happen.  It can be a difficult journey, and I am so confident that you will make it!

{{{Stephanie}}}

All the best,
Arnie
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 26, 2007 - 12:21PM #32
swangel1997
Posts: 8
[QUOTE=mellowmel;57949]Hey, everybody out there, my name's Melanie.  Quick summary of my life:  I just turned 43 years old, been married for over 23 years, have 2 children, work full time, and attend college part-time.  My husband has been fighting alcoholism pretty much our whole marriage.  About 4 weeks ago, I had enough, after his last drinking binge.  I asked him to leave and he's been living w/ a buddy of his while he's looking for an apartment.  Of course, right after the binge, it's always the same old, same old, please don't leave me, it won't happen again, I love you.  I CANNOT do this anymore.  I CANNOT live my life everyday wondering when he will disappoint me by being drunk again.  It's not just the drinking, it's the lying and covering up about it that makes it worse. 

Anybody else ever been in these stinky shoes before?????  Some days I'm happy, some I'm crying, some I cannot get out of the bed.  Is this normal? and if so, how long does it last?  I think this is the best thing since I have a 12 year old daughter at home.  I do not want her growing up thinking that this is how a 'NORMAL" marriage should be and this is how every husband should act.  SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE!!!  Thanks to all for responses.  Melanie[/QUOTE]

Hi Melanie,
I totally understand how you are feeling. Yes, I have been in your shoes and it is a horrible place to be in. My husband and I were together for 5 years and have only been married 1 year since April. When I met him, he was honest that he was in recovery from heroin. Well, 2 months before our wedding, he had a heart attack and relapsed with heroin 3 weeks later. I did not know he had relapsed and found a stash the week of our 1 year wedding anniversary. He denied he had relapsed and refused to go for the treatment that he needed. Well, he made a choice in not wanting to work at our marriage and making it work. He choose heroin over me.

Of course, our situations are different. I have not been married for 23 years and do not have any children. My first suggestion would be is for you to take care of yourself. Look into Alanon meetings. They can be very helpful and quite supportive, since there are other family members also witnessing their loved ones struggle with addiction. It will also help to give you the tools you need to deal with his addiction. What you did was the right thing, for you and your children...to kick him out of the house. It was a very healthy and courageous move to make. You just need to stand by this decision and not allow him to return. He needs to get into treatment...rehab, AA, etc...As for how you are feeling, yes, it is normal. You are probably suffering from depression and you may find it helpful to see a therapist, in order to talk through your thoughts and feelings. It does help!!! You may also want your 12 year old daughter be evaluated by the school social worker/psychologist as well, since your husband's behavior has already had an impact upon her. She may not show it, but she has witnessed what has transpired between you and your husband. I have no doubt that she has some pretty strong feelings about it and needs an outlet for those feelings.

I hope what I have offered has been helpful. I wish you and your children better days ahead, blessed with peace and happiness.

Best regards,
Stephanie
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 26, 2007 - 12:54PM #33
swangel1997
Posts: 8
[QUOTE=ArnieBeeGut;90537]Stephanie,

I hope you survived Thanksgiving reasonably intact and where able to perhaps find some things to be thankful for.  Part of you is still finding it difficult to imagine ever being able to trust again, and part of you also recognizes that isolating and shutting off emotionally will not work in the long run either.  So perhaps you are also recognizing that now is a time for rebuilding and healing, of finding your own core self amidst the brokenness, and that this will take some time to happen.  It can be a difficult journey, and I am so confident that you will make it!

{{{Stephanie}}}

All the best,
Arnie[/QUOTE]

Hi Arnie,

Thanks for the hugs!!!

Yeah, I survived Thanksgiving...barely! I decided to stay home, since my one friend kind of gave me the message that she didn't want any "negative" energy. So, I stayed at home and just waited for the day to be over. It also gave me time to think of course and to really 'be with my feelings". I was safe being in my own home, so I was able to allow myself to grieve and cry. It has been a difficult time since Thanksgiving, since I think that I am emotionally "raw" . Being away physically from my husband now since the end of September, has really allowed me the time and distance, to re-think and re-evaluate and conclude that we never had anything at all. It is a very painful realization and heartbreaking to say the least! So, yes, my ability to trust again, especially trust my own perceptions, is quite scarey for me, given the mistake that I have made. Love really blinded me! I totally failed to listen to my gut instinct, like I normally do in the work that I do. But, what is done, is done. I need to heal and hopefully the tears that I shed, will help with the process. I just hope that with time, God will grant me the peace and happiness that I long for, deep in my heart.

Thanks again for your support and most encouraging and very validating words.

Best regards,
Stephanie
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 30, 2007 - 11:37PM #34
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
Stephanie,

It must have been lonely Thanksgiving, and yet you were able to work through some feelings  and come to some realizations that help you move forward.  Be prepared for the proverbial emotional "roller coaster" in which you feel good for awhile and then out of the blue some feeling of sadness or pain will get triggered, or even arise for no apparent reason.  The more you can let yourself feels those unpleasant things and not fight them or push them away, the more quickly they will start to come less frequently and with less darkness.

The holiday season is just underway to boot, and expect the feelings to be triggered by reminders of happier times.

And there will come a day as well when you will also start to build new, happier memories.

Blessings and hugs,
Arnie
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 01, 2007 - 6:36PM #35
swangel1997
Posts: 8
[QUOTE=ArnieBeeGut;106983]Stephanie,

It must have been lonely Thanksgiving, and yet you were able to work through some feelings  and come to some realizations that help you move forward.  Be prepared for the proverbial emotional "roller coaster" in which you feel good for awhile and then out of the blue some feeling of sadness or pain will get triggered, or even arise for no apparent reason.  The more you can let yourself feels those unpleasant things and not fight them or push them away, the more quickly they will start to come less frequently and with less darkness.

The holiday season is just underway to boot, and expect the feelings to be triggered by reminders of happier times.

And there will come a day as well when you will also start to build new, happier memories.

Blessings and hugs,
Arnie[/QUOTE]

Hi Arnie,

Yeah, Thanksgiving was very lonely, but I was able to just be with myself and my thoughts and feelings. It did help me to gain a lot of clarity and was just another part of my journey of healing. I am well aware of the proverbial "roller coaster" of emotions, since I am already in the midst of it. They are just waves of emotions that have no rhyme or reason, but I know that they are all apart of the healing process of what we call grieving. Instead of pushing away such feelings, I am willing to embrace them, since they are a part of me and what I am going through. Of course, the holidays do trigger the thoughts and feelings of much happier times, but I do know that once I have made the journey through ALL of the seasons, this too will hopefully, be just a faint reminder of the pain and hurt that I have endured. I am very hopeful that one day, I will be able to begin the creation of new, happy memories, like everyone who has ever suffered the pain of divorce. Thanks for you support, wisdom and encouraging words...and your "cyber" hugs. They mean more to me than words can ever express.

Best wishes to you and your family for this holiday season,
Stephanie
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 04, 2007 - 10:23AM #36
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
{{{Stephanie}}}

The past few days have been rather busy, and I hope you are doing well.  You are aware of and accept the waves of feelings that come up suddenly, that they are part of the process of transition and growth through this difficult time.  It's unfortunate that "knowing" about it is not enough, but it must be felt and experienced - you'd think by now God would have devised a better system, maybe by sending an e-mail instead? :p

Although you may feel painfully alone at times, know that you are in fact not alone.  Maybe you would be willing to share some of the things you are doing for you these days.

Blessings,
Arnie
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 23, 2007 - 3:44PM #37
swangel1997
Posts: 8
[QUOTE=ArnieBeeGut;114577]{{{Stephanie}}}

The past few days have been rather busy, and I hope you are doing well.  You are aware of and accept the waves of feelings that come up suddenly, that they are part of the process of transition and growth through this difficult time.  It's unfortunate that "knowing" about it is not enough, but it must be felt and experienced - you'd think by now God would have devised a better system, maybe by sending an e-mail instead? :p

Although you may feel painfully alone at times, know that you are in fact not alone.  Maybe you would be willing to share some of the things you are doing for you these days.

Blessings,
Arnie[/QUOTE]

Hi Arnie,

To begin...Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I am sorry for not having responded sooner, but like yourself, things have been hectic here as well and I am still catching up.

I am doing so much better and I am in the most wonderful place...frame of mind wise. I just started attending a series of seminars through Landmark Education and it has really helped to reframe the way I view life and how I can have and live an extraordinary life as well, by making peace with my past and creating the future that I want to live. It really does teach you that anything is possible! I would recommend this seminar to everyone! Even though I will be home for the Christmas holiday, I am at peace with it, since it is where I am supposed to be. I am no longer feeling sorry for myself or feeling/acting like a 'victim'. I am finally free from my pain and negative thoughts/verbalizations. I would suggest that you and other members of the divorce forum check out their website...Landmark Education. They have seminars all over the world. All I can say, it was the best thing that I could have done for myself!

Talk to you soon. Until then, enjoy your holidays. May they be EVERYTHING you want them to be.

Best regards and wishes....2008 will be an EXTRAORDINARY year!
Stephanie ;)
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 26, 2007 - 10:04PM #38
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
(((Stephanie)))

That's so great that you are in a better place.  I have heard much about Landmark and have a number of friends who  attended it and have spoken very highly of it.  So glad it has helped you with what you have been dealing with.  It is so empowering to see and start to understand how much in our lives have been through the choices we make!  Because having brought that to awareness, we can make more positive choices for ourselves; we do not need to be victims!

I can tell by the tone of the post that there is so much more lightness and freedom.  That is so awesome!

Blessings on you and all those you care about in this holiday season!

Arnie
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 07, 2008 - 12:05AM #39
hopeforus
Posts: 85
Hello Sharon: I'm glad also to have found this place again. Look forward to hearing more from you, and thanks for the mails!!!
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 07, 2008 - 12:13AM #40
hopeforus
Posts: 85
Hello Arnie, good to be back, I look forward to spending some time here, (if i can figure this out!!!), and want to let others know that it only gets better, and much easier with the great and caring people here. Truly a Blessing. I hope in some small way I can repay the love and understanding that was shown to me. My name says it all, there IS Hopeforus...BOB
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