Post Reply
Switch to Forum Live View Controlling vs. Parenting
4 years ago  ::  Jun 24, 2010 - 4:23PM #1
Cesmom
Posts: 4,738

Just how much 'control' do you think you should have over your kids, particularly when they hit the teenage years? 


I have a friend who I think displays some pretty unhealthy control issues with his kids.  While his wife seems to recognize that there is an issue, he does not.  I was browsing online to see if I could find any information that might be helpful for them, as I know he adores his kids and would never want to say or do anything that would be hurtful to them, but over-controlling behavior can definitely be hurtful.  I found this list about recognizing unhealthy controlling behaviors.  Any thoughts?  Does this seem off base at all?  Are parents who try to control their kids just doing their job, or do they need to back off and let their kids breathe?


Signs You May Be Overcontrolling Your Children


In raising your children, you...


1. Micromanage their eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life


2. Give affection as a reward but withdraw it as punishment


3. Criticize your children far more than you praise them


4. Violate your children's privacy


5. Override, discount or ridicule your children's strong emotions


6. Forbid your children from asking questions or disagreeing with you


7. Are unwilling to admit your mistakes in parenting


8. Believe that you own your children and that they have to earn your love


9. See your children's desires for independence and autonomy as a personal rejection


10. Inflict any kind of abuse (including verbal/emotional) on your children

Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Jun 24, 2010 - 4:38PM #2
IreneAdler
Posts: 2,849

 


Interesting list- ought to give folks pause if they are able to recognize these items in their parenting.


 


I always wonder in such situations, how the child will function once they become an adult- given they were over controlled by parent(s).  


How does the teen learn self-control (in so many facets of life) when parent(s) does this for him/her?  


Do such parents ever think about that reality?


 Irene.

Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Jun 24, 2010 - 7:41PM #3
Erey
Posts: 18,672

My teenager is driving me crazy and I am probably guilty of some of this.  It is tempting to want to just take control

Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Jun 25, 2010 - 6:23AM #4
darcamani
Posts: 2,152

Wow. What a list.


My family is beginning the adololescent journey.  My list looks a bit different I think.  Still human and NEVER boring.


I encourage my boys to disagree, and practice the art kindly.


 Think before speaking. It works most of the time.  Our computer is in the family room, and is turned off at 8, which will change  as needed for school/work,


 be flexible, requires talking about whatever.  So there are basic house rules that will not change as they grow older like:


 I am always right until I am not. 


 I will admit  I am wrong, later. 


 You will eat what I lovingly prepare or not.


  File complaints elsewhere, or do what ever yourself.


I am an older parent and thankfully know better.  I know I am not in control.


Breathe.


My list.


Look for the yes  in a situation, gently trust my boys know what that means


.  Make certain they have the knowledge and means to keep safe with folk and know I am here to help, I will never turn away.


 Encourage free thought.  1 son chose a computer camp, the other totally social butterfly.  I did not force, simply happened.  So I became a mom that has camp sleepovers.  With my older computerfile as far away as he can get! Need not  mention household chores, because if they do not get done... no need to nag.


Love unconditionally.


Remember if it is irritating me, it is about me.


 Breathe, look in mirror and repeat.


I also have to remember my life is unconventional because others make it so.   I deal with the basics like all do, and then some, my family is like a mini U,N.  and very open to public whatever. 


Controlling?  In some ways, yes.  Right now.  I have total rights over any electronics, phone, texting,etc... They will earn the right, because it is one.   If they misuse/abuse they lose. 


Their dad agrees.  Simply unplug.


It works!


The other stuff is  what is happening now, play by play.


Dar

Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Jun 25, 2010 - 8:32AM #5
IreneAdler
Posts: 2,849

What is the difference betw. controlling and guiding?


 


Irene.

Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Jun 25, 2010 - 9:07AM #6
Cesmom
Posts: 4,738

Jun 25, 2010 -- 8:32AM, IreneAdler wrote:


What is the difference betw. controlling and guiding?


Irene.





I think I do a fairly good job of supervising my kids without "unhealthy control" ... and I guess I think it's important to specify the "unhealthy" part because I don't think all control is bad...but when it's excessive, I think it can be bad.


I think the difference between controlling and guiding is more or less...


If I'm guiding my teenager, I'm making sure she understands how to make good choices, but I'm allowing her to make some of those choices on her own without breathing down her neck or insisting on being involved in every detail.  I allow her to experience some of the natural consequences life gives us when we make mistakes, instead of restricting her from making any.  I don't insist on agreeing with every choice she makes, but I do stay aware of what they are, so if I need to intervene, I can.


Sometimes, it's scary to let my kids make some of their own decisions and mistakes, but I think for the over-controlling parent, it goes a little beyond that...like there is this compulsion to be involved in even the smallest aspects of their child's life.  I think that doesn't allow kids to grow up, and it doesn't make them feel trusted, and it can make them feel like they are being suffocated, and it makes them less likely to voluntarily open up to their parents.


 

Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Jun 25, 2010 - 10:43AM #7
Tolerant Sis
Posts: 4,201

I think parents have to keep one truth in mind:


Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.


Now, our children, if they are smart, can learn from the bad judgment of their peers, or they can learn from their own.  It is a parent's job to present the case.  For instance, one of your child's friends gets pregnant and has an abortion, say.


Me: Wow, that must have been hard on Sally.


Daughter: Yeah, she is feeling pretty bad about it.


Me: I know that's not something you would want for yourself, so let's look at the options so that it doesn't happen to you.


Daughter: I'm not planning to have sex right now, but neither was Sally.  She got drunk at a graduation party and it just happened.  


Me: Right. So what kind of protection are you thinking about, just in case?

First amendment fan since 1793.
Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Jun 25, 2010 - 12:19PM #8
darcamani
Posts: 2,152

Yes.


We learn and teach from experience.


There are no good or bad, simply experience.   Guiding a child through life requires admittinging some experiences are more challenging than others.


What is the difference between control and guidance?


Control is absolute. And has absolute consequences. No love required.


Break a law, guess what?  Don't matter how friendly one is.


Guidance requires flexibility and love, and a great deal of honesty.


I was raised under incredible control.  So much so,  when I rebelled my parents did not believe me!


Every "no" I got I turned into a "yes" with all the consequences.


As a parent I am very careful with my "nos".


I have been very honest with my kids about what stuff I learned the hard way.  That is guidance.  I also show them by practice how to handle challenging situations because they see me handling these all the time, so by example . Guidance through action.


Control would be me telling and expecting my sons to do things my way always.  I know this does not work. 


Dar.

Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Jun 26, 2010 - 11:01AM #9
jesusfreakgal
Posts: 938

One on the list I am not so sure about. #4 IS- violate your child/ teens privacy. Now if the child/ teen is a good kid/ teen and such and is not involved/ suspected to be involved in anything bad, then yes violating the teens privacy, especially if its done very often is a bad thing. But if the teen is involved or suspected to be involved in bad behaviours (such as doing drugs or something) then I do not see violating that teen's privacy as an issue so much. I mean if mon/ dad thinks the teen is doing drugs, and is going into the child's room to see if they can find anything, then yeah sure I kind of understand. But I also think parents should trust their children/ teenagers until they give them a reason not to. I think that if one over parents (i.e. is a controlling parent) their teenagers/ children, that when they get out into the real world without mommy/ daddy, that person has a high likelyhood of failing. They might engage in behaviours that are not good for them, likely because they do not know how to say no, or how to decide what is or is not good for them. If they were to call their parents all the time asking for advice on every little thing (like what brand of laundry detergent to use, how much of it to use, what they should buy at the grocery store, what they should have for each and every meal, and such) that controlling parent might get to feel that they were right for parenting their child they way they did or that their child actually needs their parents more then they really do. If I had a spouse who was parenting like this, when I was not, and I could see that this was a problem, I would sit down with that spouse and have a long conversation. I would try to get them to understand nthat we do not have to micromanage a teenagers life, and that doing so could do damage for the future. I would point out (this should be true) that the teen was doing well in school, and that they were an honest and trustworthy kid, so there was no need to control all aspects of their life.


JFG

Quick Reply
Cancel
 
    Viewing this thread :: 0 registered and 1 guest
    No registered users viewing
    Advertisement

    Beliefnet On Facebook