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Switch to Forum Live View Problem about my daughter that I think will never be resolved
8 years ago  ::  Jan 02, 2010 - 9:20PM #1
Posts: 10


I have a terminal illness.  It is a degenerative brain disease.  I may only live for a few more years or I could live up to ten more years (doubtful about that due to disease progression.)

My husband and I have a very good marriage.  We are very close and he has always been good to me.  I think in most marriages there are things that just will never be resolved.

My husband and I have worked very hard to resolve issues between us.  We have always been able to talk things out.

My husband has never had any children of his own.  We are still pursuing the idea of possibly having a child of our own through certain methods but I don't choose to discuss that right now.

The problem is, has and always will be my daughter.  My daughter is 23, married has a 15 month old son and will be having another son in March.

I have always loved her no matter what.  Things were difficult for all of us because her father and I had a messy divorce and her father kept trying to drag me back into court for years by using her as the reason for goinig to court.

My husband use to have a great relationship with my daughter.  The first two years we were together he spent over $40,000 on my children.  Before, my husband came along, I was the main financial support of the children and after I could not work anymore, my husband became the main financial support of the children even though my ex was able to become the custodial parent eventually because my husband had spent $50,000 in legal fees and then was unemployed for 15 months and my ex used the opportunity when we couldn't afford a lawyer to move the kids with him.

My ex decided that he was going to try to destroy the relationship between my children and my husband.  With help from my husband's ex wife, he managed to destroy the relationship between my daughter and my husband.  I don't want to go into details.  I've been through it so many times.

Now, my daughter has left her husband.  I really don't know enough about the situation to know exactly what happened because my husband was unemployed for most of the last year getting laid off three times due to the economy and my daughter rarely spoke to me.

She has started calling me frequently in the past few months, and she came over twice to let me visit with my grandson which is very unusual.

She has said horrible things about my husband that are not justified.  She also said them in court when her father was trying to get the judge to let him take the kids out of state.

She was very difficult during her teenage years and almost impossible to get along with but I was always there for her and my husband would let me give her money.

She has refused to see him since she was 13 but he has always let me give her money.

We had to move to another state for a job opportunity.  For 6 years, my daughter and I kept in touch.  She would periodically bring up that my husband abused her and it would upset me terribly.

But, once she became 20, she stopped doing that.  We kept in touch.  My husband noticed that almost always when she called me she wanted money.  He told me he did not like me sending her money and didn't want me to but I had my own account which he provided the money.  He would note I sent her money and usually didn't say anything.

After I was diagnosed with my terminal illness, she was not supportive.  At first she told me I wasn't terminal, then mostly she just wasn't there for me even though we had moved back to the general area in which she lived.

She refused to come over and see me even though my husband offered to not be there.  She says now that I never offered to do that.

She didn't invite me to my grandson's birthday party.  I was living with my brother and she invited his entire family.  I asked her why she didn't invite me and she said she thought I would be too sick to come.

Afte she left her husband she started calling me more for emotional support and I don't mind that at all.

I have explained to my husband that I've felt like since my daughter was born, there was something wrong with her that caused behavior problems, problems with authority, problems finishing anything and difficulty getting a long with people.  My ex never let me have her evaluated and when I finally got a court order she was old enough that she just refused to go and her dad backed her up.

After my illness, I did come to the realization that my daughter is never going to change and I needed to step back and not worry about her all the time.

My husband told me that I should just remove her from my life.

I certainly understand where he is coming from.  She has hurt him, hurt me, I am dying now he is more protective and also she has hurt my son's relationship with my husband.

I have tried to explain to him, no matter how much I pray, tell myself I can move out of her life, I just cannot do it.

A major thing is that my husband is still willing to give financial support to my son and then when my son sees that his sister isn't getting any financial support it has made him feel angry towards my husband.

My husband has done so much for my son more than his own father has done for him but for some reason since my son has become a teenager, he has become more critical of my husband.

In part that is due to the fact that since I have been diagnosed with my terminal illness, my husband has become much more judgemental about people who have hurt me to the point that he has told me that he refuses to drive me to see those people.

I've worked around that because there are other people who will take me to see those people.

My daughter is in a lot of trouble now, I understand much of it is her own making and I certainly see my husband's point.  After all, she is not his daughter so why should he have to give her anything.  He has given her much more than any step parent would after what has happened.

I just keep praying that God will allow me to put my daughter in God's hands and that I will stop feeling badly about not being able to give her anything.

My husband did say that if my grandson needed something, if it wasn't too expensive then we could discuss sending it to her.

We can't afford to send anyone a X-mas present right now but we will be able to by the middle of the month.  He let me go ahead and get a present for my son and he has already given my oldest niece a very nice gift (paying her a nice amount of money for looking after me) and he is talking about what we will send my other nieces.

I asked him if I could give my daughter a Christmas present and he said no. He said I could give one to my grandson.

When I tell my daughter that I can't give her a X-mas present and that I am no longer allowed to give her any money at all it will cause me great stress.

She will go to my son who will call me and ask me why my husband is acting the way he is.

The next time my son comes to visit he will be angry at my husband and this will cause me a great deal of stress which always makes me ill.

When I get ill I either have a major pain crisis or have a major neurological flare up.

I pointed this out to my husband and he said he was no longer going to listen to the excuse that it will make my son upset.

He also told me that I owe him this loyalty to not give anything to her.

I feel extremely helpless.  I already have had to give up just about every personal freedom that I have including being able to bathe myself.  Eventually I will not be able to go to the bathroom by myself.

He told me that he was not trying to be mean to me and that as soon as we have money I can have my own account but if I sent any money to my daughter he would see it as a huge betrayal.

I just don't know what to do.



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8 years ago  ::  Jan 02, 2010 - 10:30PM #2
Posts: 43

Well, to start with, I would like to know why your husband has such control over you that he can tell you whether or not you can send your daughter a gift.  Something is being left out here.

“Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes.” — Tori Amos
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8 years ago  ::  Jan 03, 2010 - 7:53AM #3
Posts: 5,277

So, your children are hateful spoiled BRATS to your husband and you continue to side with them against him.....

If they don't respect him why do you continue to send the money HE works to make to them?  He has every right to complain, esp. if that hateful little wench of a daughter is ONLY contacting you when she needs money.

I'm sorry you're ill.  But that is no reason to try and buy your kids.  It's time you stood up to your children and told them, "My husband has done so much for you.  More than your own father.  If you won't respect him, you are not respecting me.  No more money.  The atm and bank are closed."


James Thurber - "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
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8 years ago  ::  Jan 03, 2010 - 8:07AM #4
Tolerant Sis
Posts: 4,201

I know you *believe* your ex is behind the accusations of abuse, but have you ever really had a serious heart to heart with your daughter and explored the possibility that she HAS been abused?

If she had, that would absolutely have caused a night and day reaction like you saw. 

First amendment fan since 1793.
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8 years ago  ::  Jan 03, 2010 - 10:08AM #5
Posts: 5,277

Jan 2, 2010 -- 10:30PM, Icecreamassassin wrote:

Well, to start with, I would like to know why your husband has such control over you that he can tell you whether or not you can send your daughter a gift.  Something is being left out here.

Do you have ANY idea how expensive a terminal illness is??? 

Her daughter should have her ass kicked for even ASKING for money from her!  Her husband has EVERY right to complain.  He's busting his ass to support her and her illness and she's giving money to ungrateful little turds. 

James Thurber - "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
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8 years ago  ::  Feb 10, 2010 - 11:43PM #6
Posts: 2

I understand your pain and I also understand your support for your daughter.

A mother's love is unconditional and as much as we know we are doing wrong, we can't let go.

Pray to God that she will come around and he will guide her in the right path.

Best of are such a strong woman.

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8 years ago  ::  Mar 23, 2010 - 3:05PM #7
Posts: 1

You have several problems going on in your life at one time. Very difficult. First, the money. Is there a possibility that you could apply for disability? That would give you a little money for yourself. You can contact the social security administration in your city to find out.

The problem with your daughter. Have you talked to her openly and honestly about your feelings? I know you walk on unsettling ground, afraid to say too much, yet wanting to have things resolved. What I would suggest is to tell your daughter that you love her, that you always have and always will. Tell her that money is very tight and you have no way to give her any gifts, that the two of you should just forego gifts as adults but you can still give something to her children. You can always give her small token gifts, like framed pictures of when she was a child or perhaps there is something you could make or a picture you could have taken of the two of you together. You could write a summary of your life with her (using the good parts : ), something for her to have to remember you. Pictures of yourself over your life in a collage frame would be an inexpensive gift. Don't worry about material things at this time in your life, memories that you make with her will have much more value to her. As far as the abuse she says she has suffered from your husband, I do not know what kind of abuse or the extent, but that will mostly be her burden to bear. You have to believe that you did your best at the time to deal with it. That's all any of us can do. We are not perfect. So let that pass from you, try to put it out of your mind at this time in your life. Don't dwell on the past and tell your daughter that. Look forward or just live for today. There is nothing we can do about the past. Thinking on it only wastes time, time that you don't need to be wasting. Love your grandchildren, enjoy them.

Your son. Teenagers are difficult. They tend to see their problems as huge mountains and don't see much of anyone else's problems or have much empathy for others. Life is mostly about them. Not much you can do about that, it's just that age. Again, tell your son you love him, that you have always loved him and always will. Tell your children that you pray for them, for their safety, their health and their happiness and that you will continue to pray for them for the rest of your life. Love them as much as you can. Don't worry about the small problems of gifts or monetary things. They don't really need those things. They need you and your love. Talk to them with an understanding ear, listen to them, be interested in them. Let them know you care about them.

I wish you all the best. Above all, take care of yourself. Rest. Do what you can each day and don't worry about the things that don't get done. Eat well. Go outside and walk or just sit and breathe in the fresh air. Pray, give your problems to God, ask Him to intervene for you and take your hurt away.

Grace and Peace

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8 years ago  ::  Apr 05, 2010 - 4:26PM #8
Posts: 531

Honestly I think you need to get away from all of them and reevaluate all the situations. You have the money issue. You have your husbands work issue. You have a painful and terminal illness. You have issues with your ex husband. You have issues with the husband you have now. You have issues with your daughter. You have issues with your son.


I suggest you  seek social aide and try to get yourself in program where you can be given council  and support from others. I think you someone on your side! BTW I think your husband is on your side, but I think you need to come to terms with many things and maybe there are areas your not discussing that you need to work on with your husband and yourself.


I really wish you the best and I hope you can find a solution for all theses issues and be able to enjoy the time you have left. Good luck!

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