How does one keep one's kids from being influenced by the "wrong crowd"?
One afternoon I was flipping channels on TV and came across good ol' Dr. Phil. Show was profiling several teen boys with very troubled backgrounds. Each of these boys had done some pretty self-destructive things including quitting school, heavy drug or alcohol use, involvement in crime, drunk driving, stealing from parents, etc. Each boy had a parent with him who was desperately trying to turn their son around. Really felt for the parents here. They seemed like they were at a complete loss as to what to do.
What I found interesting was the statements made regarding how these boys got involved in such activities. Each and every parent expressed bewilderment at their child's actions and attributed these actions solely to having fallen in with "the wrong crowd." No other reason was presented (to my recollection). And, each parent felt powerless at circumventing this influence the "wrong crowd" seemed to have exerted over their child. The boys themselves would state that they'd simply 'fallen in with the wrong crowd' as reason for their misdeeds (**shrug**). Again, no other explanation offered.
On the one hand, the 'wrong crowd' explanation felt phony- like a convenient catch-all phrase. No real introspection put forth in such a statement. On the other hand, peer pressure at the teen level can be intense.
So, is "wrong crowd" really a legitimate reason for committing such misdeeds? If so, how does one keep one's kids from being influenced by the "wrong crowd"?
What I do know from running around unsupervised, I broke every single "NO" my father dished out. I was told to just say no to sex, drugs, rock and roll, which school to go to what to study and who to hang out with. I proceeded to break every one of those rules and darn near died trying.
I learned the hard way and now practice with my kids offering choice and consequenses. I can't be with my sons 24/7 yet I do know who they hang out with, know their parents and and keep in touch with all of the above.
I am very direct with my kids, tell them the truth and consequences, no right nor wrong, simple reality. I do not tell them lies like "promise rings" or "just say no" that is silly and irresponible imo. Instead I taught them early that their bodies are their responsibility and if they fail to honor that fact,they and others will suffer, I took them out with their weekly allowances and told them to buy for 1 week for a mother and baby. They did not get far on 5.00, reality check. Took them to a rehab clinic, scared the crap out of them. Took them on a field trip to juvi hall. A "hang out for the wrong crowd" . I also told them I would not hesitate to let them stew in jail if they broke the law.
I would fight like a mama bear if they are innoscent, yet if they are not...
Then I offered alternatives. We have plenty of family time, their buddies are all on a similar page as us parents actually talk with one another. We share books,movies, games and food almost every night.
We come from many different cultures and spiritual traditions and share these with our kids without being forceful, you know "my way or the highway". That is a ticket for trouble. Instead wecelebrate our diversity and really honor the practice. Ramadan is right around the corner and my sons will be honoring that tradition with a couple of boys in their "crowd" we are not muslim yet always good to walk a mile in anothers' shoes.
Offer free will and give kids the tools to manage that free will beginning around the age of two. Keep at it with love and patience and stay involved until it is time for the kids to fly out of the nest.
The wrong crowd excuse is a way of assuaging parental guilt when the parents stop paying attention to their young teens and let them go their own way without guidance.
Actually, it is a problem before then. Discipline is something that should be taught early, something kids should be able to accept responsibility for. Self-discipline is the only kind that works, in the end. Children who practice self-discipline don't fall in with the 'wrong crowd'.
The best way to help kids achieve self-discipline is to discuss positive and negative choices early, explain why positive choices are more wholesome, and live that way ourselves. Parents who live lives of inner discipline are far more likely to have children who do so.
That is not to say that even good kids never make bad decisions. They do; but using such decisions as 'teachable moments' for both parents and kids, rather than rationales to go medieval on their butts works far better. A teen has a car accident while changing a CD? Lose the music in the car for a year and work to pay for the damage and the increase in car insurance costs. An eleven year old fails math? Start reviewing her homework again and enlist an older sibling or talented niece or nephew or tutor to help her out. Seven year old refuses to help clean up after dinner? Remind him that the whole family has to work together, and make sure he understands and can do a simple task before you give him the whole job.
I agree. In a family unit everyone has to help. We all eat, we all poop and most of us over the age ove 2 wear clothes, so chores are a group effort. You eat? You help cook and clean up. You wear clothes? Help pick them up and wash them. You arn't happy with how someone is doing something? Do it yourself and do not complain. Simply do it.
Don't expect more than a thank you. Allowance is not for every day housekeeping, it is for going the extra mile. I already told my boys there will be no car until they can wash their own clothes, cook and clean up and pay for their own insurance, which means they have to figure out how to get and keep a job and get there on time with out help. Pay for gas, upkeep and any other thing that comes with the car, never mind babies!!
Yes I am teaching basic skills, like banking, and budgeting both money, fun time and work time. Also teaching, one attracts people to themselves that compliment attitude. If one is full of anger they meet angry folk. If one is filled with peace, they also attract angry folk yet it does not last long. Peace wins.
It confuses folk, removes the "wrong crowd" power and is a beginning to new ways of being friends. I mean the wrong crowd can't deal so they get bored and either leave, get bored or turn over a new leaf.
My experience and opinion. Again. :)
Heck, it is working for me, my family and their "crowd". A bunch of young teen males. yes they talk funny, dress funny, act funny and smell weird and eat everything but they are our future and if those young men are raised to be beasts, they will be. I am raising MEN that I will be proud to stand by and for because I have dealt with the other side of things.
What happens when parents actually raise their young ?
There would be no "wrong crowd". Sure kids will get into stuff, who hasn't? yet if the child knows it is safe to come home and talk about whatever with a trusted adult and heard , a lesson is learned.
The funny thing about the "wrong crowd" when our children are part of it is that some other parent is saying the same thing about our kid.
My son was such a twit when he was about 15-16. There was several of us who were involved in our church who would get together and moan about what they were doing, what they had gotten picked up for, etc. The mother of the eventual valedictorian found pot in his drawer. My son was running with a good crowd--they just weren't acting like it at that time. A good crowd doing bad things. I can't blame anything on the other kids that my son was not equally participating in. The whole group has gone on to do well, but you wouldn't have been able to predict it at the time.
Theoretically, we were doing the right things. We had family dinners. The kids had to help around the house. We had logical consequences. Even though we both worked when they were younger, they were hardly ever in day care because we worked opposite shifts.
My guess is someday we will find that the environment is pushing certain genetic buttons in the fabric of a biological creature.
I wish they all came with personalized instructions. That might help.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
My mother raised 3 kids by herself. None of us were inclined toward the "wrong crowd." We always had exceptionally responsible and level headed kids. I tend to think that some kids are just driven to make all the wrong choices. It comes from something internal. I also believe some kids are forced into it by an over-authoritarian upbringing. The more control the parents exert, the greater the need to rebel.
My mother was an indifferent, overwhelmed, emotional basketcase of a mother. She didn't have much energy to parent. What she did do was live an exmaple. I think that helps. You can preach all day but if you don't live it, then the message is thwarted. We were neglected.
What we didn't have was any cause for rebellion. My mother was too tired to care. If we had gotten into trouble, we knew we had no parents bailing us out. It would be up to us. We did not want to deal with the consequences of bad behavior. We had goals. I had several friends just like this. A close friend of mine raised her younger siblings while her single mother partied all night, came home drunk and spent the day in a foggy hangover. She raised her siblings, worked like the devil, studied, got all As, went into the military.
I was never influenced by peer pressure. I found friends that were like me and shared my goals. My two brothers and I never drank, smoked, had sex while underage. We either worked or studied. We had friends that were the same. We had plans. We had our pain and we had our demons. However, we all came out okay. We avoided trouble like the plague. I always feared that my burdens would be increased if I got into trouble. I had enough trouble raising a emotionally disturbed mother.
Now, my mother's family had a whole host of examples of good behavior. We are a family with lots of impulse control. Some of that is genetic. Some it was learning by example.
I do think that if my mother had been very authoritarian, at that age, I would have rebelled. If she had tried to break my will, she would have lost. As it was, I had to make my own decisions and they were good ones.
I can't count the number of kids that came from stable, two-parent, stay-at-home moms, great homes that didn't find as much trouble as they could find. They got a rush from it. We never got that rush. We had enough stress and did not seek out more.
I am not saying that is the WAY to do it but I am saying that there may not be a "way" that works for everyone. Each child is different. Every parent is different. The outcomes will vary according to their differences.
You can say "do this, do that" and the kid will be fine. I know too many exceptions to all of the "do this, do thats" in the world. A lot of it will be determined by the kid's internal makeup and impulse control. A lot of that is biological.
This is a no brainer to me. What on earth are you doing meddling with the life of your adult, 25? yo son? None of your business unless he is living at home, no job, and mentally or physically challenged and requires your care. If he falls for someone quirky, he is the one that must learn, not you.
As for your daughter, you may raise her "right", know she will break every rule you impose. She will grow into a woman with her own thoughts, words and deeds. She is not; nor will she ever be, YOU!
Must have been 14-15 yrs old when my Dad dropped me off at the bus stop.
He stood across the street for a while and watched the crowd I was hanging out with.When I came home from school that evening, he said he would drive me to school and pick me up. He didn't want me hanGing out with big Jim Baker and the Cellini brothers.
Hangin out with Dad may have kept me out of a herion addiction and a life of crime, but I still contracted the disease of alcoholism that runs in my family.
When I was 33 years old and my father was dieing in a nursing home, I went to visit him on Christmas eve. I had just come from an AA meeting at the local detention center, my sponsor and I passed out big books that Christmas eve and I ran into one of the Cellini brothers.
He told me he was serving time for a burglary to feed his heroin addiction, and that his brothers were bank robbers. And big Jim Baker had died from a heroin overdose. I told my Dad this that night and thanked him for being there. He passed away on New years day.
It's good thing to be the crowd that your child falls into.
I know my opinion isn't popular, but you can always control the environment in which they make friends by homeschooling your children. Choose their group activities and clubs based on similar interests with other children. Because at public school you have no control over what mentors and influences they have. Build them up with a strong foundation, and they will be stronger when they enter the adult world.
My kids go to public school, I know who they hang out with, who their mentors are and know their teachers and have all kinds of control over their public school lives and summer activities because I am a tax payer, I pay for these services and am involved up to my eyebrows everyday.
So it aint about where they are schooled, it is how they are parented while being schooled and even that is not 100% because kids will rebel and become adults anyway. Some manage well, others simply don't Our job is to love and nurture and pay attention until they actually leave the nest, so the "right " crowd is completely up to the parent anything after that is up to the adult "child" . So public/private/homeschooled makes no difference unless the parent makes the difference.
