Hi, I am a 33 year old mother of 2 and I had my forst child when I was 22 and even thoug I wasnt a teenager anymore I was very immature. I learned to grow up very fast. I am now going through struggles I would never wish on anyone else but I just recently moved with my family into a new home and Ihave befriended my neighbor and her daughter who is 15 and she is pregnant, her mom is a good woman dont get me wrong but she has some issues of her own and she has a boyfriend who is in prison who she is very focused on him and although she seems to be very involved in her daughters life and pregnancy you can tell her daughter is not very happy about her mothers relationship with this man plus he is in prison for murder and supposedly is trying to prove his innocence he was involved in very bad things and was planning on continuing these things if he gets out, the girl who is 15 and is 7 months pregnant is such a good girl and her mom seems very nice and sweet and the mom has told me that she had a problem with drugs and she has talked to me about some extremely off the wall things that may make me believe she is still using but I dont know, the girl has told me she think she needs a boyfriend so she isnt so lonely and I am not someone who usually pushes my faith on someone but I feel this girl needs some faith in her life so she doesnt become a statistic like so many of these teen moms who end up in bad relationships and drugs like their parents before them. I really like them and the mother seems like she is trying to stay clean although she has talked about her experiences with drugs like they were happy times in her life and she continues to talk about them with me and with her daughter right there who is pregnant and only 15. I think she thinks that it was ok to talk to me like this because at one time I also had a drugt problem but I found a faith and a program and a way out of that life and because I opened up to her and told her my experiences with my addiction she has opened up with hers... now the difference between us is that I do not glorify my addiction what so ever because it was not nor will it ever be glorious for me the so many years I struggled with it and she constantly reminisces on her addiction as it was something she misses and I dont understand this. I dont want to start a problem with her by saying anything that may step over her boundaries as a mother to her 15 year old pregnant daughter because I care very much about these people and I would hate for her to think that I dont like her when I do, I just think she still has a problem with her addiction and I think this relationship she ahs developed with this man in prison for murder who she doesnt really know is affecting her daughter and her daughter is not a confident girl she is being led to believe things that are unrealistic in life and she is not being taught any values or morals or beliefs and she is not being payed attention to and I can tell she is running to any boy who will have her because of these issues. I am very concerned for her mental well being especially when the baby comes. If anyone has any advice for this please let me know!
Best advice I can come up with.... STAY OUT OF IT!!!! If things go afoul you will get the blame and they will hate you. All their problems will be your fault. I know this from watching my sister, an alcoholic, turn like a trapped wolverine on my parents when they tried to help her.
You know that an addict won't listen about their addiction until they hit bottom. And I'm here to tell you that just because someone's faith doesn't seem apparent to you you can (and will) offend someone if you start pushing yours. Faith is a very personal thing.
James Thurber - "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
I am inclined to agree with Tina. This is a situation where your involvement may do more harm than good and end up taking your personal energies that need to be devoted to your family away from them.
If you decide to become involved with this young lady and her baby to come you will have to be ever mindful of setting both limits for yourself and for her in order that you are not intruding on her or her intruding on you and your family.
What this young lady needs most is a very good social worker to get her connected with resources in the community that can help her. She needs the expertise of professionals that understand the dynamics of many of the things you write about. She needs to be continuing her education as well as be in a support group for young mothers. She may even need foster support that would take both her and the baby into one home.
Be a good neighbor, but remember that these issues are in need of professionals, do not try to be her social worker and her support group unless you have the skill set and emotional energy to spare for this situation.
I agree, stay out of it, this girl needs real professional support. be a good neighbor and offer to babysit once in a while, maybe help her with grocery shopping. be friendly, yet keep those boundaries up. encourage, smile, maybe pick up diapers or wipes when you are out and leave them on her door step, no need to tell her you did this, just do it. That is all.
No need to offer opinion or advice, she is well aware what she has done, and will find out soon enough how challenging parenting is. Key is gentle support. You can't "save" her. Only be a good person and not give her any more hell, and for crying out loud keep your religion to yourself, nothing will frighten her more! be an example by action, not words.
