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self esteem issues
3 years ago  ::  Feb 02, 2009 - 1:51AM #1
thehunter
thehunter
Posts: 24
My daughter is only 8 and has self esteem issues. I would like some advice as to how to help her. She is really taking it to heart when another child picks on her. I have even been called to the school for her physically hurting another child because they spit on her. My daughter wears glasses now and is really worried about what these kids are saying to her. I bought her a notebook to use as a journal and asked her to draw pictures or write how she feels about her day at school. She is drawing pictures of the kids that are picking on her with their faces bruised and messed up. I have never had a problem with self esteem, so I don't know how to help her. I have told her and showed her my way of looking at things, but she is choosing to allow their comments to hurt her feelings. Any advise as to how I can help her? I am the oldest of a household of 8 children, my mom raised us herself. I was too busy helping my mom take care of my younger siblings to be worried about what my peers were thinking. It has been quite sometime since I was in gradeschool, but I just don't remember having any thoughts about someone else's remarks- to each his own- so long as they are not specifically asking for an a#$ whoopin.
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 02, 2009 - 9:53AM #2
Tolerant Sis
Tolerant Sis
Posts: 4,201
Well, school is just that way.  Your daughter should be standing up for herself, but physical violence is not acceptable, so give her some 'zingers' and help her practice them.  (Spitting isn't acceptable, either, and those kids should be sent home immediately if they do it.)

For instance, if kids make fun of her glasses, she should say, "Yeah, I know.  It was almost easier not having to see your ugly face before I got these."  If she says it with a laugh in her voice, others will laugh, too, and defuse the moment.

Long term, she needs to realize that not everyone is destined to be her best friend, and that's the way life is.  She should find an activity she enjoys (Brownies, maybe, or after school dance or music or art or athletics) where she can make a group of friends based on common interests.  One or two close friends are more valuable assets than being Miss Popularity.

It ain't easy going to public school, and I wish your little one well.
First amendment fan since 1793.
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 02, 2009 - 5:50PM #3
SteveC
SteveC
Posts: 250

thehunter wrote:

My daughter is only 8 and has self esteem issues. I would like some advice as to how to help her. She is really taking it to heart when another child picks on her. I have even been called to the school for her physically hurting another child because they spit on her. My daughter wears glasses now and is really worried about what these kids are saying to her. I bought her a notebook to use as a journal and asked her to draw pictures or write how she feels about her day at school. She is drawing pictures of the kids that are picking on her with their faces bruised and messed up. I have never had a problem with self esteem, so I don't know how to help her. I have told her and showed her my way of looking at things, but she is choosing to allow their comments to hurt her feelings. Any advise as to how I can help her? I am the oldest of a household of 8 children, my mom raised us herself. I was too busy helping my mom take care of my younger siblings to be worried about what my peers were thinking. It has been quite sometime since I was in gradeschool, but I just don't remember having any thoughts about someone else's remarks- to each his own- so long as they are not specifically asking for an a#$ whoopin.


The problem is that schools are very weak in the area of teaching respect. I solved the problem with removing my children from public schools and putting them in private schools, but there were issues in the private school also.

I would make an appointment with the principal and classroom teacher/s and ask them how this issue can be resolved. Tell them you are afraid that someone, specifically your daughter will get hurt.  Follow up with separate letters to each, thanking them for their assistence in solving these bullying issues. As much as it is the polite thing to do, the letters are also a backdoor way of documenting the discussion. You have to start documenting your side of the story. Some state depts. of educ. keep statistics on these sorts of incidents/issues and it doesn't look good on any school's  record. Don't play that card right away. If the bullying continues, in a follow up letter, inform the pricipal further disipline including suspensions of students tormenting your daughter. Lastly, start writing to the state.

Please don't ask your daughter to retaliate physically or verbally. This will be twisted to incriminate your daughter.  Ask her everyday, how her day was, and you keep a record. Get out a piece of paper right now and document as much as you can from memory. If you keep careful records, you will be the one who appears credible. Go to the nurses office and copy everything from your daughters record. If you know there were visits to the nurse, and the incidents were not recorded, ask why. I assure you, you will be noticed and your point will be made.

I can tell you from experience,  that none of the other parents are keeping records(they have no reasons to know), and you will be the credible one when the recriminations against your daughter appear, and they will. It will become a war of who said what and who started it first, and if you have detailed records you will win.

Finally, your daughter may need some help with her self esteem issues with a psychologist or psychiatrist. I prefer child psychiatrists if you can find one.

Remember, it's the parents that advocate for their children that gets results.

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 02, 2009 - 7:12PM #4
ItsAllALie
ItsAllALie
Posts: 4,421
I think self esteem issues in children today is much worse than it was when we were growing up,,,,,,our girls are under so much pressure to look right, to be thin enough, to be in the right crowd, etc,,,,,

and when their self esteem suffers they are doing things today that are so much more dangerous,,,,,,drugs, cutting themselves,,,,,,,,having babies at 14,,,

You have such a few years to try and improve this, and I think you're a wonderful mother for being concerned this way,,,

honestly,  I think one of the problems today is that today's parents are pretty much out of their element,,,,,,,,,our worlds were so DIFFERENT 30 years ago, than our kids world is today,,Oh we had SOME of the same issues,,,but they've taken on such added dimensions today that they didn't have 30 years ago,,,,,,My two girls went through alot of self esteem issues, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why,,,,,I had always tried to foster wonderful self esteems,,,,,,,,what parents don't realize is that our society has changed so much that there are so many more influences on our children than we can possibly control,,,,,,video games that allow them to "blow people up", rap lyrics that encourage our girls to think of themselves as "ho's" and men as "baby's daddy",,, , violent television shows, and other kids who think a girl should "date" at 10, drink at 14, and do drugs by 16,,and wearing the "right" clothing is the test of a person's charachter,,,the fact of the matter is, even the best kids don't care if they impress Mom and Dad,,,,they care if they impress their peers,,,,,and 2 parent working homes make it even MORE difficult to control those things,,,,the older they get, the harder it is to control their worlds, too,,,,for goodness sakes, they're having sex on school busses at 12 (and younger) now,,,,,until you REALLY think about that, it's hard to understand how LITTLE control you, as a parent, really have over their worlds,,,,,,,,,you put your kid on the school bus, and it's out of your hands, unless you truly realize what's going on and take action to prevent it,,,,,,but for those of us who grew up walking a mile to school alone,,,,,,or taking candy from the nice man next door without a thought, it's a completely different world, and frankly, our kids are thinking of these things before we can think to prevent them,,,

I went to a gang prevention meeting in our town last year,,,,,,,,white girls ages 12-14 are the LARGEST growing segment of gang members,,,,,IN OUR SUBURBS,,,and to get IN to the gang, they're getting "sexed" in,,,,,,,if that wasn't a culture shock, I don't know WHAT is,,,,I was still playing with DOLLS at 12,,,

It's a different world, with different pressures and parents are swimming upstream to try and counter balance it,,,,,,,,without the knowledge and first hand experience that would make that alot more successful,,,,,,

Kudos to you for being concerned, for doing what you can,,,,,,but honestly, my advice, is to get professional help,,,,,,buy or borrow from the library any books you can find on self esteem in pre-teen girls,,,,

Personally, I think any professional who could put together "workshops" for girls and their mothers that improves self esteem,,,,,that really gets them in touch with the power of being a woman,,,,,,well, they could make a fortune,,,,I think it's an untapped market,,,,,,

Holly
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 03, 2009 - 2:31AM #5
thehunter
thehunter
Posts: 24
I thank you all for your advise. She is enrolled  in girl scouts and we have discussed a private school before, she is currently attending a charter school. I talk to her all the time about sex, drugs and dating. I am very honest with her; I use the real medical terminology, I don't sugar coat a thing. When I was in the 7th grade I remember the girls who thought they were REAL women because they were having sex. My brothers were active as young as kindergarden with their "experiments" I was blessed with 6 brothers that gave me the scoop on what boys were thinking and the games they played with girls- so I have passed these things right on to my daughter. We talk about gangs too. We watch the documentaries together. Most gang members will end their life one of two ways; in jail or in a body bag. I tell my daughter there is nothing like standing on her own two feet. All of her decisions should be her own. I am hoping to make good use of my time with my daughter and take her with me everywhere I go so she can see the decisions I make and how I handle myself. I am really hoping to rub off my point of views. It is really difficult for me to see her go through this.
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 22, 2009 - 9:12AM #6
windwizard
windwizard
Posts: 748
This thread appears the perfect place for me to post this question.

I have been contemplating rallying to the many small town schools in my area of residence and branch out from there if this takes off for me. As one who has always had strong convictions where children are concerned vrs the crimes, perverts {and as this post shows} bullying from other children......
*.....with this in mind I am looking to reach out on a volunteer basis and attend to these schools speaking on the subject of school bullies, and peer pressure and how it relates once we are grown adults out in the world working to survive and hopefully thrive!

I have spent many hours doing work in much similar surroundings and such.
* No, I do not have 'Formal' training for this , although I do have a College degree as well as numerous short class credits and such.
As well I was one of the co-founders of a program that ran in our city for over 10 years titled 'Latch Key Babies'........first of its kind ten years ago and something I am quite proud of to say the least.  It dealt with many issues including the teaching of first aid to all the registered participants.  We did floats in parades, entered city wide activities to raise money to pay for a 6 week camp during the summer, a camp of which by the way we the parents had some outside help but alot of the cooking ect ect was done bvy the parents.
I see these children fairly often and each time I do see any of the many many children around town, they are generally first all the time with the waves and shouts of hello's ect.  Now I am not looking to start up this large of a program, and really am mainly interested {for now anyways}  tohave the open house type pop and chip gatherings, as well as a short speech/story read in class to each class. I think you get the idea.
My question is this, If such a program existed would you try it out for your children>
If not please explain briefly why not....

Thank you for your participaction in this short survey.
~~WIND~~
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