It is amazing how the rest of yesterday unfolded. I suppose the conversation in here was a great energy for my life. My sons grandmother called with a follow up call from the step mother, it seems the men have handed things over to the women. So we can come up with a plan of action and then be what we want to see in my sons father and grandfather. They r open to the idea and will let us work together to get things structured and consistent for my son. We will just have to hope that when the men see the changes they will continue to follow thru. Yeah! Thanks for all the advice. I will be using some if not a lot of the suggestions. :)
Religion is for those afraid of hell. Spirituality is had by those who have been there!
[QUOTE=Tolerant Sis;1016467]What I would do is, just the two of you - you and the ex - get together for lunch some time and talk about your new discipline method. Buy him a copy of the book and tell him what you're planning, and suggest that he might want to do the same.
Keep this lunch light and positive, and rather than blame him, say things like, "I know that both of us want the best thing for our son." Friendly stuff.
When you have to talk about the phone privileges, use a lot of *I* statements.
"I get the feeling that sonny is using the fact that we live separately to try to get his way by playing us off one another."
"What it seems like to me is that sonny has trouble accepting the consequences for his behavior so he tries to involve you. That's not fair to either of us."
"I hope that even though we aren't married anymore, we can be partners to help our son become the best person he can be."
Then tell him what you're planning for the telephone thing. The two of you can agree ... at this meeting ... on telephone times presuming that sonny has done everything you've set out for him. Give your ex some input. "Would you rather than he call you on Monday or Tuesday? Wednesday or Thursday?" Be sure to tell him that if sonny loses his telephone privilege, you will be turning the phone off that night and won't be answering so he's not blind sided.
If possible, have your ex explain the new telephone thing. If you don't think he would cooperate, do it yourself.
As soon as sonny figures out that he won't be allowed to play both ends against the middle (because the two of you are not only talking, you're in league), all that nonsense will stop.[/QUOTE]
I do have to grin a bit bc it certainly seems great in theory. But its worth a try with a positive approach. I do not blame everything on his dad, I have had my share of wrong doing in this lifetime. Some how along the way I took a huge leap ahead and my ex took one behind. He thinks with his ego, and I look more to my true self. It is hard to talk to him bc everything passes thru his ego first. :)
Regardless of what anyone may think, my life has come a long way. I am looking for help, but I also know regardless of judgement there is alot I have done right, and there could very well be equally as much I have over looked. I appreciate u helping with ur info. I will see if I can get his dad to meet with me.
My son and all children are not allowed to have a cell phone until they pay for one themselves. I think the latest rage from my son was from making him take the cell phone his father gave him for Christmas back to his fathers house. His father bought it after I had told him not too. ;(
I will have to set a great plan into action. I really appreciate u taking the time to write in here. ;)
Religion is for those afraid of hell. Spirituality is had by those who have been there!
[QUOTE=REteach;1016316]If he is pushing your buttons, stop reacting to the button pushing. Find a behavioral psychologist who can help you act like the parent. You admitted that you are not--and I agree, "switching" only creates bullies.
You need to make expectations clear with clear and achievable consequences, and if he doesn't follow through, you do.
If he is manipulating you, you are letting him do it.[/QUOTE]
Interesting...if it sounds like a doctor. It is a doctor. :) Thanks again!
Religion is for those afraid of hell. Spirituality is had by those who have been there!
[QUOTE=REteach;1016316]If he is pushing your buttons, stop reacting to the button pushing. Find a behavioral psychologist who can help you act like the parent. You admitted that you are not--and I agree, "switching" only creates bullies.
You need to make expectations clear with clear and achievable consequences, and if he doesn't follow through, you do.
If he is manipulating you, you are letting him do it.[/QUOTE]
Although u r right about the button pushing, I find it a bit extreme to say I havent a clue on how to act like a parent. I do think I have surrendered some bc I work 50-60 hours a week at times to provide a living for my children. Sometimes it is a bit unnerving when one child is turning ur world upside down & u can not gain control, especially during the times u are a work.
I dont think everything is absolute but u have some great points I will chew on. My sons lack of ability to manipulate me is why me and him seem to be locking horns these days, he is trying but not succeed in my home. His dad is the one on his knees right now, I refuse to turn my life over to my son.
I have had my fair share of doctors, and at times they have helped but not too long ago it simply became stagnant for me. I had been medicated for years and simple meditation & mind control was all I needed. I definitely have work to do but i don't feel I am an absolute lost cause. I do have two striving children in the home, that have their days but are manageable. They r being raised by me too, only not the same father. But thank u for ur input.
Religion is for those afraid of hell. Spirituality is had by those who have been there!
[QUOTE=Tolerant Sis;1016363]Yes. I'd limit his telephone privileges (you're paying the bill, not him) to some agreed-upon time with your ex. You absolutely have to work it out with him. Let's say you two decide that sonny can call before bed on Monday and Wednesday nights, providing that he's done everything he is supposed to have done that night (homework, bath, room tidied, stuff put together for the next school day, yadda.) If he hasn't done those things, he hasn't earned the privilege of using your phone. He doesn't just get to pick up the phone and complain. Take a phone out of his room, shut off his cell phone if he has one, and put the phone where YOU would see him using it.
If your ex balks, unplug the phone at first when these things happen or take it off the hook. Sounds like he needs some 'positive parenting' too!
Your job, and it is harder than it sounds, is to come up with natural and logical consequences on the fly.
It works like this. The first time something happens (the kid leaves his bike out overnight, say) you tell him what your expectation is. Say it clearly and calmly. "Son, we expect you to put your bike in the garage at night." Tell him why: "Bikes left out overnight get rusted and might get stolen." Clinch the deal: "I need your promise to put it away before dinner time." Then you tell him what the consequences might be.
The natural consequence of leaving a bike out might be that it gets stolen. You can go this route if you want, but there are a lot of reasons why you might not want to do it. (Your kid rides to school, whatever.)
The logical consequence is that you put the bike away yourself and lock it up with a key your child does not have. When he wants to use his bike, you can be completely apologetic. "Oh, dear, you remember you promised to put it away. When you didn't, I put it away and locked it. I guess you can't ride your bike to school today; you'll have to walk. I'm so sorry. Maybe tomorrow you'll remember."
You are putting the responsibility on HIM and totally removing it from you.
If it happens again, you lock it up for two days. Repeat as necessary.
Your husband will do the same thing. No yelling, no drama, no hitting. Just consequences to behavior.
In some cases, natural consequences are good, and teach the kid a lot more than logical consequences. A kid doesn't do his homework; he hears it from the teacher. Tell her that you are trying to disengage and give her permission to give any consequences she sees fit short of corporal punishment. Keep him in for recess to do the homework; make him stay after school to do the next day's work. Be willing to work with her, as long as she keeps the consequences apropos to the 'crime'.[/QUOTE]
I will have to give this a try. I want to make it clear that just bc I have switched my son before does not mean I yell, demand, or hit as the only option. I think we have tried a bit of what ur saying before. Just not as committed as we should have been obviously, I have joint custody with my ex...not physical custody. Above all it has worked for us bc no one is a yank-er ( the parents who yank and pull on their kids like a weapon). plus going to court never seems to solve the bigger picture. It just seems to upset the kids.
I try to point out to his father that when he is over his house I do not even interfere. I dont even phone my son unless I need information immediately or if I am returning his call. When he grips and complains about his step mom, I just point out that no one is perfect & that maybe he should talk to her or his father. I was hoping by example that his dad would learn to respect him just the same. Thank u for the input. I hope some of this works I will have to certainly give it a try.
Religion is for those afraid of hell. Spirituality is had by those who have been there!
If he is pushing your buttons, stop reacting to the button pushing. Find a behavioral psychologist who can help you act like the parent. You admitted that you are not--and I agree, "switching" only creates bullies.
You need to make expectations clear with clear and achievable consequences, and if he doesn't follow through, you do.
If he is manipulating you, you are letting him do it.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
[QUOTE=free2beme09;1016241]One of the biggest issues we have are the called to dad and papa when something isnt going my sons way. i.e. he is bored, he was told he couldnt have a snack, he was required to clean his room, it wasn't his turn to pick the family movie, or his brother & sister are getting on his nerves. If I tell him not to call & he does anyway what is his consequence, and is it right to tell your child he can not call?
2nd what about when my husband is alone with my son & my son refuses to perform or receive the consequence.
Another curve ball is if we follow thru with the suggestion and suddenly the rescuer calls and reminds us that we can not refuse my son to call him anytime he may feel necessary.
I am really being serious not sarcastic. I am interested to see what might work, believe me I do not care where the cure comes from as long as it works. [:[/QUOTE]
I wouldn't deny him calling his dad....just don't let it affect you. My approach would be, fine, call you dad all you want. His dad can tell him that you're wrong, but bottom line is, if he's in your physical custody at the moment, you have the final say. His dad can argue with you until he is blue in the face...you still have the final say. I wouldn't even bother telling him not to call...let him call all he wants...just stand your ground when it comes down to the important issues. That's fine if his dad agrees he shouldn't have to clean his room, but guess what, dad's not here right now, so clean your room or there will be consequences, period.
As far as his dad refusing to enforce your consequences while he is at his house, there is unfortunately no way around it. All you can do is enforce whatever consequences while he is physically with you so he at least knows that he's not going to win the battle where you are concerned.
It's not easy being the bad guy, but it's necessary at times.
“Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open. You’re able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment.” Ralph Marston
[QUOTE=Tolerant Sis;1016467]What I would do is, just the two of you - you and the ex - get together for lunch some time and talk about your new discipline method. Buy him a copy of the book and tell him what you're planning, and suggest that he might want to do the same.
Keep this lunch light and positive, and rather than blame him, say things like, "I know that both of us want the best thing for our son." Friendly stuff.
When you have to talk about the phone privileges, use a lot of *I* statements.
"I get the feeling that sonny is using the fact that we live separately to try to get his way by playing us off one another."
"What it seems like to me is that sonny has trouble accepting the consequences for his behavior so he tries to involve you. That's not fair to either of us."
"I hope that even though we aren't married anymore, we can be partners to help our son become the best person he can be."
Then tell him what you're planning for the telephone thing. The two of you can agree ... at this meeting ... on telephone times presuming that sonny has done everything you've set out for him. Give your ex some input. "Would you rather than he call you on Monday or Tuesday? Wednesday or Thursday?" Be sure to tell him that if sonny loses his telephone privilege, you will be turning the phone off that night and won't be answering so he's not blind sided.
If possible, have your ex explain the new telephone thing. If you don't think he would cooperate, do it yourself.
As soon as sonny figures out that he won't be allowed to play both ends against the middle (because the two of you are not only talking, you're in league), all that nonsense will stop.[/QUOTE]
I do have to grin a bit bc it certainly seems great in theory. But its worth a try with a positive approach. I do not blame everything on his dad, I have had my share of wrong doing in this lifetime. Some how along the way I took a huge leap ahead and my ex took one behind. He thinks with his ego, and I look more to my true self. It is hard to talk to him bc everything passes thru his ego first. :)
Regardless of what anyone may think, my life has come a long way. I am looking for help, but I also know regardless of judgement there is alot I have done right, and there could very well be equally as much I have over looked. I appreciate u helping with ur info. I will see if I can get his dad to meet with me.
My son and all children are not allowed to have a cell phone until they pay for one themselves. I think the latest rage from my son was from making him take the cell phone his father gave him for Christmas back to his fathers house. His father bought it after I had told him not too. ;(
I will have to set a great plan into action. I really appreciate u taking the time to write in here. ;)
Religion is for those afraid of hell. Spirituality is had by those who have been there!
[QUOTE=REteach;1016316]If he is pushing your buttons, stop reacting to the button pushing. Find a behavioral psychologist who can help you act like the parent. You admitted that you are not--and I agree, "switching" only creates bullies.
You need to make expectations clear with clear and achievable consequences, and if he doesn't follow through, you do.
If he is manipulating you, you are letting him do it.[/QUOTE]
Interesting...if it sounds like a doctor. It is a doctor. :) Thanks again!
Religion is for those afraid of hell. Spirituality is had by those who have been there!
