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Switch to Forum Live View Have You Ever Been Betrayed by Family
7 years ago  ::  Nov 13, 2007 - 7:19PM #11
PaulaEdwina
Posts: 1,720
I can only speak for myself, but how can I contribute to the discussion if you don't explain what the betrayal is?

Paula
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 15, 2007 - 9:41PM #12
EmeraldCity529
Posts: 1
[QUOTE=barblee;53400]Have you ever been betrayed and treated in a disloyal fashion by family..and if you have, how have you coped with it ?  In my case, they don't even think they did anything wrong...their response to my hurt is to "get over it".  How have you dealt with it.  I am talking deep betrayal and deep disloyality.  I have walked away from them at this time..don't know if I will ever want to have anything to do with them again.  I pray about it daily...know I have to forgive them...this has been one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.[/QUOTE]

Not sure if I'm doing this right, I'm new to this site.  However, what I have found with my own family is that you are right - they do NOT think they have ever done anything wrong.  It's always the other person!!  You have to learn to let it go and just forgive and move on.  Apologize for your part so you have a clear conscience and then go about it with a clean slate.  Do your best never to get caught up with them in controversial discussions or gossip.  Simply talk about the weather or food or what to buy Grandma for Christmas.  God never says, "forgive only if they apologize."  LOL.  We have to forgive despite the fact that they may never admit any wrong doing.  FOrgiveness is for ourselves, not for the other person - to bring US peace.  Not easy, but try thinking of it that way.  :)
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 16, 2007 - 12:39AM #13
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,704
[QUOTE=EmeraldCity529;72585]Not sure if I'm doing this right, I'm new to this site.  However, what I have found with my own family is that you are right - they do NOT think they have ever done anything wrong.  It's always the other person!!  You have to learn to let it go and just forgive and move on.  Apologize for your part so you have a clear conscience and then go about it with a clean slate.  Do your best never to get caught up with them in controversial discussions or gossip.  Simply talk about the weather or food or what to buy Grandma for Christmas.  God never says, "forgive only if they apologize."  LOL.  We have to forgive despite the fact that they may never admit any wrong doing.  FOrgiveness is for ourselves, not for the other person - to bring US peace.  Not easy, but try thinking of it that way.  :)[/QUOTE]
EmeraldCity:
My husband "betrayed me and hurt me to my core" over twenty nine years ago~his betrayal was he lied to
me on the subject of children. I wanted them badly~ he said he wanted them but really didn't .
He has told me to "get over it~ and that's when I go off the handle. I yell at him and tell him how dare he tell
me " to get over it" he's got nerve. I tell him that he shouldn't say things without thinking about what he wants
to say~ otherwise there's going to be a storm of yells coming his way.
The worst part is that it took him over twenty one years to admit to me he didn't want children.~ He was
afraid that if he told me he never wanted children that I would walk out on him.
He was right on that fact. I was "upfront with him on the subject of children"
I will never really be able to "forgive him his betrayal"~ it cut me to the quick and to my heart.
I know that I should ~ but I can't .
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 16, 2007 - 3:36PM #14
iris_alantiel
Posts: 17
[QUOTE=barblee;53400]In my case, they don't even think they did anything wrong...their response to my hurt is to "get over it".  How have you dealt with it.  I am talking deep betrayal and deep disloyality.  I have walked away from them at this time..don't know if I will ever want to have anything to do with them again.  [QUOTE]

In my experience, the problem with family drama is this: everybody swears up and down and all over that they have done nothing wrong and have been deeply, deeply betrayed. I have seen it happen before: parents swear they have done nothing but love and give and have been totally abandoned by their adult children, and those same adult children swear they've done nothing wrong but have been rejected by their parents. Nothing ever opens up or gets resolved because no one is willing to admit they might have even a small amount of culpability - everyone just insists that the problem is 100% the other party's fault. I'm sure there are some situations when innocent parties are wronged, but in every case I've ever seen where "deep betrayal and deep disloyalty" cause somebody to "walk away" from their family, the reason is that someone's wounded pride is preventing him/her from seeing what part of the conflict (s)he might have caused.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 16, 2007 - 4:55PM #15
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,704
[QUOTE=iris_alantiel;74260][QUOTE=barblee;53400]In my case, they don't even think they did anything wrong...their response to my hurt is to "get over it".  How have you dealt with it.  I am talking deep betrayal and deep disloyality.  I have walked away from them at this time..don't know if I will ever want to have anything to do with them again.  [QUOTE]

In my experience, the problem with family drama is this: everybody swears up and down and all over that they have done nothing wrong and have been deeply, deeply betrayed. I have seen it happen before: parents swear they have done nothing but love and give and have been totally abandoned by their adult children, and those same adult children swear they've done nothing wrong but have been rejected by their parents. Nothing ever opens up or gets resolved because no one is willing to admit they might have even a small amount of culpability - everyone just insists that the problem is 100% the other party's fault. I'm sure there are some situations when innocent parties are wronged, but in every case I've ever seen where "deep betrayal and deep disloyalty" cause somebody to "walk away" from their family, the reason is that someone's wounded pride is preventing him/her from seeing what part of the conflict (s)he might have caused.[/QUOTE
Iris_alatiel:
If my late parents were alive today I would tell them they betrayed me to my core. I know that they thought that
my having an abortion was the "right thing to do"~but they never even took it in to consideration that it's not
what I wanted at the time. I still wouldn't of wanted to have an abortion.
They were scared for me~ I have Epilepsy, have had it since age six.
They didn't know if the child would be affected by the medication that I was taking.
They didn't even think for a second what how it would have affected me ~ just how it would look to their friends/
family. My feelings about the whole subject were dropped by the side of the highway.
After it happened they never even said a word~ it was like it never happened.
In my book "they betrayed me deeply,all the while telling me they loved me"~ What a lie.
I can't even argue with them anymore~ as I said they have died.
And don't ask if I can ever forgive them for what they did~ cause I can't.
They took away my only chance to have a family.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 16, 2007 - 6:13PM #16
iris_alantiel
Posts: 17
That's a horrible story, Marlene, and I'm so sorry you had to go through all that - very much so. I can tell you still suffer very much over what happened. I'm very sorry if you thought I meant to imply that parents can never betray their children or that you must have had some part in your family's betrayal of your right to have your child.

I didn't say family members *never* betray each other. Actually, I said "I'm sure there are some situations when innocent parties are wronged", and I meant it. Your case, I'd say, is one. But I was speaking to the cases I have witnessed and experienced in my life, and in that context I stand by what I said: in every case I have ever seen - in my personal experience of family conflict - feuds continue on for years because no one is willing or able to see that they might be doing something to encourage the conflict. I have seen many situations where what Person A calls betrayal is actually Person B's attempt to protect itself from Person A's hurtful, selfish, or controlling actions, and/or vice versa.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 18, 2007 - 5:36AM #17
barblee
Posts: 83
Thank you all for your input.  I am taking it all to heart.  Yes, we have to put the hurt aside and move on and forgive. That is what it is all about.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 18, 2007 - 5:39AM #18
barblee
Posts: 83
Marlene, God bless you and give you His Peace, strength and endurance.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 29, 2007 - 1:22PM #19
hobogirl
Posts: 4
Sometimes there are situations where you just have to cut your losses and turn away.  We have had to do it in our family and things have been much better since we made that decision.  It is not always an easy thing to do.  You need to decide if you will miss any thing in your life if you cut these people out, if not then you have  your answer.
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7 years ago  ::  Dec 20, 2007 - 7:42PM #20
Mysticalmercury
Posts: 3
Yes, I've been betrayed. And I've tried to come to reasonable resolutions. I've spent decades trying to just get some acknowledgement from the one who committed the most hurtful betrayals. Someone once told me "You can't talk sense, to the senseless". 

The only resolution I found was putting almost 2 years of space between she and I and then to forgive her. I didn't tell her, she wouldn't want to hear it. I jsut did it. But I keep it light . I also have to remember that I am an adult and it is myself who is in charge of my life, my time, emotions, and I've learned not to depend on this person to be "there" for me.
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