Over these last 23 years of sober living, I've gradually become convinced that alcoholism was about the only thing that ever would have forced me to confront my previously denied and undiscovered innermost self. A lot of us take the steps only far enough to become better actors in the various roles we play in our lives as spouses, parents, employees, etc. And there are tangible rewards for that, because people start treating us better.
But in due time the novelty of all that starts to wear off, and then there's a thud. A lot of us conclude, often with the connivance of sponsors or therapists who are perhaps a tad too eager to get involved, that it's because we've left some crucial stone unturned in our inventories and amends. Maybe that's often true, but I think it's only part of the story, and I say that because I've known too many people who've repeated these steps, in some cases literally for decades, but the thud always comes back. So then they do what we alkies do best-- they try the same thing over and over again, each time expecting a better result.
After several such attempts, accepting and enduring the unattainability of lasting happiness eventually becomes a virtue in its own right, their (sniff) heavy cross to bear in this valley of tears, and their message is that anyone who doesn't suffer this chronic malaise is simply in denial or isn't working their program properly. Not surprisingly, these folks are often in the vanguard of sponsorship and service work, but I'll leave that aspect of it aside for the moment.
I've also come to believe that what we call stress or unhappiness is simply energy misdirected, like the sparks that fly out of short-circuited wire. I believe that each of us has within ourselves a creative potential, a dream, or if you prefer, a myth for our lives that will either save us or destroy us if we don't realize it. That's why I regard my alcoholism as a gift, a wake-up call to tap the undiscovered self, rather than a burden or having to settle for a second-rate life using one step or another to squelch any spark of joy that might arise under the notion that recovery is primarily a program of puritanical taboos and prohibitions.
Most of the people I know who've found lasting and constantly renewable happiness in sobriety are those of us who've discovered or rediscovered, nurtured and disciplined ourselves to pursue a passion for some craft, skill or art that engages us creatively in our daily lives. This impulse prodded us at first to seek, and then we soon found in our contact with the world directly in front of us, an effective way to get over ourselves by seeing and relating to the "wow in the now" rather than looking at life as an obstacle course to navigate without drinking.
I love this quote by Thomas Merton:
"It is not humility to insist on being someone that you are not. It is as much as saying that you know better than God who you are and who you ought to be. How do you expect to arrive at the end of your own journey if you take the road to another man's city? How do you expect to reach your own perfection by leading somebody else's life? His sanctity will never be yours; you must have the humility to work out your own salvation in a darkness where you are absolutely alone...
"And so it takes heroic humility to be yourself and to be nobody but the man, or the artist, that God intended you to be. You will be made to feel that your honesty is only pride. This is a serious temptation because you can never be sure whether you are being true to your true self or only building up a defense for the false personality that is the creature of your own appetite for esteem. But the greatest humility can be learned from the anguish of keeping your balance in such a position: of continuing to be yourself without getting tough about it and asserting your false self against the false selves of other people."
From New Seeds of Contemplation, New Directions Publishing Co. 1961, pp. 100-101
