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Switch to Forum Live View Light Heartedness in Hospital
3 years ago  ::  Dec 12, 2010 - 8:40PM #1
Ron
Posts: 1

Hi Guys,


This is kind of a long message - but all of it is true - except for the very last few lines.  I just got out of the hospital a few days ago, and I wrote this as a kind of `closure`.  I rec'd so many comments on it - thought I would pass it on.  I think you will enjoy it!  It's not depressing - in fact, just the opposite - --


A Day at The Hospital


 I looked at the EKG  treadmill, and scoffed inwardly.  This was going to be a piece of cake - - Then I looked at the nurse who was monitoring the results;  She was so gentle and calm, and compassionate looking  – I thought nothing bad would ever come from her.


 I was ready!


 4 Minutes and 8 seconds later – I was gasping on the couch next to the treadmill – much as you see a fish who has just been reeled in – and is flopping on the bottom of the boat.


 Then this gentle and compassionate nurse monitor – said, `I don’t like what I am seeing here`.  I responded, `……gasp, gasp, I’m not gasp gasp too happy gasp gasp either!


 She said don’t move – as if I could, even if I wanted to.


 She came back – and sprayed nitroglycerin under my tongue…


 Oh,oh ……………


 Than, she asked if my wife was in the waiting room – I gasped, `yes`. And than suggested that she come in .


 Oh, oh, oh…………..


Than another spray of nitroglycerin - - -


 This was not looking good ------------


 Than, the coupe de grace – she compassionately told my wife and me that an ambulance was dispatched – and I was to be transported to the local hospital; But, don’t worry!!


 At the hospital, I was fitted with adhesive monitors – must have been 50 of them!!


 They asked if I was comfortable – and I responded that I was  -- -- and then they told me they were going to be transporting me to a Portland hospital.


 I responded – NO, I am not going to Portland – under any circumstance.


 They replied that the difference was me paying the co-pay for a non-preferred facility (the local hospital) or go to a preferred facility in Portland.


 So, I asked – how soon can we get to Portland??


 Than, in the ambulance, they attached to me another set of adhesive monitors - -


 I made it abundantly clear that I already had the adhesive monitors – but, `..they had their own….)


 Rip off the old monitors, put new ones on


Rip – ouch – press on the new one


 Rip off the old monitors (ouch) – press on the new ones


 Over and over.


 Finally about 2 ½ hours – by my mental clock – we arrived at the Portland facility.  I asked why it took 2 ½ hours – and they responded that the ride was about 45 minutes.


 Than at the hospital, they wanted to put new adhesive monitors on - - I told them quite emphatically I already had monitors from the ambulance.


 They told me  - equally emphatically - they used their own monitors.


 Of course they did!


 Rip off the old monitors, put new ones on


Rip – ouch – press on the new one


 Rip off the old monitors (ouch) – press on the new ones


 Over and over.


 Then, I was `welcomed` to the Portland facility.


 I was told my options were:


  1.  A stint – if there were only one artery blocked, or
  2. Open heart surgery – if more than one main artery was blocked.


 I was asked – `what do you think of the alternatives?`


  I hated both of them.


 Nevertheless – I was going to be `prepped` for the Angiogram.  I was asked if I wanted to see a Chaplain.


  This was getting worse and worse.


 Than a nurse came in and said she had good news - - she said she had received a personal message that there was a nice fellow coming in (me) -and `take care of him`.


 Man, I hate that phrase!


 I could see a Mafia boss saying to his hit man - `Hey Louie, take care of him`, or


God saying to an angel,  `Take care of him`.


 I never was able to decide which one applied to me.


 At any rate, than the nurse said the bad news was she had to shave `my privates`.  I told her that we had just met, and shouldn’t we have dinner a few times, and get to know each other a little before –


 She:  `Get on the Table`


Me:  `OK`.


 Me: `You know if you turned down the lights a little, and had some music piped in – this wouldn’t be half bad.


She:  `Quiet`.


 I was asked what my main concern was:


 Me:  `Pain, Just put me out and wake me when it is all over`.


She:  No, they want you awake so they can ask you questions during the procedure.


 Me:  `Have them ask me now.  I’ll tell them all I know`.


She:  `I’ll give you some Valium`


Me:  `That won’t be enough`


Now, my gurney was being wheeled down the hall – and my poor family was standing against the wall – looking nervous and scared.


 I did not want to go out like that – so I made a face, smiled, waved, and blew kisses.  They erupted into laughter.


 Now – I am in THE ROOM.  If you ever wanted to know what a turkey feels like on Thanksgiving – try being wheeled into the Operating Room.


 On top of it all, they were all wearing white masks; probably to conceal their identity if something went wrong.


 Me:  `Hey guys, do you realize that I am still conscious? `


One of the masked individuals: `Don’t worry, we will take care of you`


 Drat – that phrase again.


 Then another of the masked individuals brought his face close to mine – and said `Don’t worry – we were up all night studying the manual – and we are pretty sure we can do it!!`     


 Than all went blank.  About a day or two later, by my mental clock, I am still there. 


 Me: `When are you guys going to start?`


One of them:  `We are finished`


Me:  I must be alive – Good job!


 Back in the room – someone was hovering over me with a concerned look- asking how I felt.  I responded that I had had terrible, horrible nightmares –


 I told them I had dreamt that Obama was elected to a 2nd term.


 Some laughter, some silence (My apologies to good Democrats)


 Then it was night – and I came to and noticed all the pretty nurses were gone – and in their place was three burly looking `guys`.


 Me:  `Hey, where are the nurses?`


Them:  `Hey bud, we’re the nurses`


Me:  `Oh, Crap`


 Finally after the restless night, I was released the next day.


 A few days later, I received a beautiful Party Invitation card – from the hospital.


 I was thrilled, (they liked me), until I noticed that the date had been crossed off.


 I eagerly called to accept the invitation –


 Me:  `I received this invitation, but the date was crossed off – and I can’t tell when it is.


She:  `We know - -- -- ha, ha  --------- Click.


 


Enjoy


Ron


 


 

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