Hi Guys,

This is kind of a long message - but all of it is true - except for the very last few lines.  I just got out of the hospital a few days ago, and I wrote this as a kind of `closure`.  I rec'd so many comments on it - thought I would pass it on.  I think you will enjoy it!  It's not depressing - in fact, just the opposite - --

A Day at The Hospital

 I looked at the EKG  treadmill, and scoffed inwardly.  This was going to be a piece of cake - - Then I looked at the nurse who was monitoring the results;  She was so gentle and calm, and compassionate looking  – I thought nothing bad would ever come from her.

 I was ready!

 4 Minutes and 8 seconds later – I was gasping on the couch next to the treadmill – much as you see a fish who has just been reeled in – and is flopping on the bottom of the boat.

 Then this gentle and compassionate nurse monitor – said, `I don’t like what I am seeing here`.  I responded, `……gasp, gasp, I’m not gasp gasp too happy gasp gasp either!

 She said don’t move – as if I could, even if I wanted to.

 She came back – and sprayed nitroglycerin under my tongue…

 Oh,oh ……………

 Than, she asked if my wife was in the waiting room – I gasped, `yes`. And than suggested that she come in .

 Oh, oh, oh…………..

Than another spray of nitroglycerin - - -

 This was not looking good ------------

 Than, the coupe de grace – she compassionately told my wife and me that an ambulance was dispatched – and I was to be transported to the local hospital; But, don’t worry!!

 At the hospital, I was fitted with adhesive monitors – must have been 50 of them!!

 They asked if I was comfortable – and I responded that I was  -- -- and then they told me they were going to be transporting me to a Portland hospital.

 I responded – NO, I am not going to Portland – under any circumstance.

 They replied that the difference was me paying the co-pay for a non-preferred facility (the local hospital) or go to a preferred facility in Portland.

 So, I asked – how soon can we get to Portland??

 Than, in the ambulance, they attached to me another set of adhesive monitors - -

 I made it abundantly clear that I already had the adhesive monitors – but, `..they had their own….)

 Rip off the old monitors, put new ones on

Rip – ouch – press on the new one

 Rip off the old monitors (ouch) – press on the new ones

 Over and over.

 Finally about 2 ½ hours – by my mental clock – we arrived at the Portland facility.  I asked why it took 2 ½ hours – and they responded that the ride was about 45 minutes.

 Than at the hospital, they wanted to put new adhesive monitors on - - I told them quite emphatically I already had monitors from the ambulance.

 They told me  - equally emphatically - they used their own monitors.

 Of course they did!

 Rip off the old monitors, put new ones on

Rip – ouch – press on the new one

 Rip off the old monitors (ouch) – press on the new ones

 Over and over.

 Then, I was `welcomed` to the Portland facility.

 I was told my options were:

1.  A stint – if there were only one artery blocked, or
2. Open heart surgery – if more than one main artery was blocked.

 I was asked – `what do you think of the alternatives?`

  I hated both of them.

 Nevertheless – I was going to be `prepped` for the Angiogram.  I was asked if I wanted to see a Chaplain.

  This was getting worse and worse.

 Than a nurse came in and said she had good news - - she said she had received a personal message that there was a nice fellow coming in (me) -and `take care of him`.

 Man, I hate that phrase!

 I could see a Mafia boss saying to his hit man - `Hey Louie, take care of him`, or

God saying to an angel,  `Take care of him`.

 I never was able to decide which one applied to me.

 At any rate, than the nurse said the bad news was she had to shave `my privates`.  I told her that we had just met, and shouldn’t we have dinner a few times, and get to know each other a little before –

 She:  `Get on the Table`

Me:  `OK`.

 Me: `You know if you turned down the lights a little, and had some music piped in – this wouldn’t be half bad.

She:  `Quiet`.

 I was asked what my main concern was:

 Me:  `Pain, Just put me out and wake me when it is all over`.

She:  No, they want you awake so they can ask you questions during the procedure.

 Me:  `Have them ask me now.  I’ll tell them all I know`.

She:  `I’ll give you some Valium`

Me:  `That won’t be enough`

Now, my gurney was being wheeled down the hall – and my poor family was standing against the wall – looking nervous and scared.

 I did not want to go out like that – so I made a face, smiled, waved, and blew kisses.  They erupted into laughter.

 Now – I am in THE ROOM.  If you ever wanted to know what a turkey feels like on Thanksgiving – try being wheeled into the Operating Room.

 On top of it all, they were all wearing white masks; probably to conceal their identity if something went wrong.

 Me:  `Hey guys, do you realize that I am still conscious? `

One of the masked individuals: `Don’t worry, we will take care of you`

 Drat – that phrase again.

 Then another of the masked individuals brought his face close to mine – and said `Don’t worry – we were up all night studying the manual – and we are pretty sure we can do it!!`     

 Than all went blank.  About a day or two later, by my mental clock, I am still there. 

 Me: `When are you guys going to start?`

One of them:  `We are finished`

Me:  I must be alive – Good job!

 Back in the room – someone was hovering over me with a concerned look- asking how I felt.  I responded that I had had terrible, horrible nightmares –

 I told them I had dreamt that Obama was elected to a 2^nd term.

 Some laughter, some silence (My apologies to good Democrats)

 Then it was night – and I came to and noticed all the pretty nurses were gone – and in their place was three burly looking `guys`.

 Me:  `Hey, where are the nurses?`

Them:  `Hey bud, we’re the nurses`

Me:  `Oh, Crap`

 Finally after the restless night, I was released the next day.

 A few days later, I received a beautiful Party Invitation card – from the hospital.

 I was thrilled, (they liked me), until I noticed that the date had been crossed off.

 I eagerly called to accept the invitation –

 Me:  `I received this invitation, but the date was crossed off – and I can’t tell when it is.

She:  `We know - -- -- ha, ha  --------- Click.

Enjoy

Ron