Post Reply
Switch to Forum Live View Just senioritis... or something more?
4 years ago  ::  Apr 29, 2010 - 1:23AM #1
SatanicStalker
Posts: 719

My mother had a serious case of bipolar disorder. She was hospitalized a couple of times during my childhood, but has been doing wonderfully for the past few years (functionally cured).


I've taken an abnormal psychology course in college and done some independent research, and I know that bipolar disorder has a definite genetic component, and I have a fair idea of the symptoms (I'm certainly no expert, though). 


I'm graduating college (undergrad) in three weeks. I have a test in the morning, two papers due next week, and five finals in two weeks, not to mention preparing for graduation and moving for my internship in a couple of months. 


Yet, I've been having the hardest time focusing on any of it over the last few days (especially). I haven't been impeccable at concentrating and studying the whole time I've been in college, but it seems especially bad now. It might only seem that way, admittedly, because I'm looking at it more closely.


I sit down to write on the easier of the two papers (and it's quite easy), but despite its simplicity I don't seem able to type more than a couple of words before I start into obsessive thoughts about nearly any other subject... earlier today I nearly starting sewing cloth diapers for my pregnant sister despite the fact that she's only 17 weeks pregnant, I've never made a cloth diaper, I don't know if she would want it, I don't have the materials, and I have plenty of things I actually need to be doing. The past couple of days have been littered with similar illogical sewing projects, fiddling with anything near me, and obsessive researching of totally random things on the internet. 


I'm finding myself easily worked up, anxious, jittery, and unable to sleep... like my brain is running on overdrive. Although I haven't started any of them yet, I keep thinking of ambitious projects I could do and wanting to begin immediately. I know that's a mania thing. I don't think it's severe enough to be true mania, but I've been reasoning that if bipolar disorder is genetically based and a chemical imbalance of the brain, then it stands to reason that sub-clinical bipolar-like symptoms may be a likely result for the daughter of a woman with bipolar disorder. Like maybe I'm having a chemical imbalance but it's only a quarter as out of balance as someone with actual full-blown bipolar disorder. Or, I fear, maybe I'm developing the full-blown disorder and this is just the start. 


Or, it could easily be a common case of senioritis, with the very common symptoms of academic apathy and anxiety about graduation and life that often comes toward the end of four years of college. 


My grades are fine so far, but I do need to maintain at least a B in every class to keep my internship, so I can't afford a full-blown break down of my ability to do school work. I only have to keep it up for less than three weeks, then I can be as lazy or strange as I want for a short while with no ill effects. I need to focus and get some work done. I need to do whatever I need to in order to make this work. 


My religion stresses the importance of personal responsibility and I believe in it firmly. I am responsible for getting all of my work done. Mental illness is very real as I know well, but it is not an excuse for being irresponsible, it's just another thing that a person must take responsibility for, like my mother did when she sought out treatment. 


If anyone had any particular insights or advice, I would appreciate it. Tomorrow I plan to take my computer up to the top floor of the library on campus to work on papers, since I've had luck there before concentrating on writing papers without any of the distractions of my own room around me. I don't think I've broken down the point of needing to seek out mental help yet. My mother is a good resource and I've talked to her before when I've had similar worries but I don't want to make her worry about me. 


In case anyone was wondering, I don't use caffeine and I rarely drink, although I have been drinking a little more than normal lately (as in, one drink per day for four days in a row; I haven't exceeded one drink in a day in months). I've also been stressed because I got rear-ended last week and the other driver is stalling. 


Sorry for rambling on so... unfortunately, my brain has been making similar rambling internal monologues on many different subjects nearly constantly these past few days. I know I need to sleep since I have an 8 am class tomorrow (it's past 11 where I am), but I fear that if I lie down I'll just obsess about things for hours... like I have for the past few nights. Which is part of the reason I've been breaking out the alcohol, to try to get my brain to mellow out. 


Part of me wants to go jog around the block to try to tire myself out (it's past 11, I am tired just not relaxed, and it's 42 degrees F and rainy, so I know it's stupid, but I want to anyways). 


I'll shut up now. Really I will.


~Stalker

Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Apr 29, 2010 - 9:46AM #2
Karma_yeshe_dorje
Posts: 12,400
You seem to be describing stress symptoms. Get your lifestyle (sleep) in order. Go see a counsellor.
Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Apr 29, 2010 - 7:08PM #3
SatanicStalker
Posts: 719

I want to apologize for my panicky rambling post of last night. I think it is just ordinary stress, for the obvious reasons. I'm doing much better today, more relaxed and focused, since I got through the test and finished one of the papers.


The stressful situation is very temporary, and I really have nothing to complain about, since the things that are stressing me out are *good* things. I'll just try to keep some perspective and remember that if I don't study every minute of every day I'll still probably be just fine.


Thank you,


~Stalker. 

Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Apr 30, 2010 - 6:47AM #4
Karma_yeshe_dorje
Posts: 12,400

SatanicStalker:


Of your interests, gardening can be outdoor exercise. And cooking can be a healthy diet. For the environment: walk, jog, cycle, row or ski etc. in it!

Quick Reply
Cancel
 
    Viewing this thread :: 0 registered and 1 guest
    No registered users viewing
    Advertisement

    Beliefnet On Facebook