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Switch to Forum Live View The family of an alcoholic
5 years ago  ::  Oct 27, 2009 - 6:30PM #1
Xxchristin022xx
Posts: 67

I am the daughter of an alcoholic.  My dad started abusing alcohol when his dad died 21 years ago.  When I was little and he was drunk, he would go on rages.  My brother and I were very scared of him.  Having an alcoholic parent has changed my life.  I was just wondering if this has been a problem for others?

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 28, 2009 - 9:49AM #2
Seefan
Posts: 3,956

Oct 27, 2009 -- 6:30PM, Xxchristin022xx wrote:

I am the daughter of an alcoholic. My dad started abusing alcohol when his dad died 21 years ago. When I was little and he was drunk, he would go on rages. My brother and I were very scared of him. Having an alcoholic parent has changed my life. I was just wondering if this has been a problem for others?



My father was also an alcoholic but of a different variety. I never suffered from physical rants or rages. The abuse I suffered was mental. He never talked to me or did the normal things fathers do with their sons. This certainly did change my life for the worse.


How I overcame the results and got rid of the resentment against my father was to understand that it really wasn't about me. He didn't set out to do me harm and in fact he harmed himself more then he could harm me. He lived his life to the degree that he could with the living skills he had. He didn't know how to relate. He too, was afraid and didn't know how to handle situation in an effective manner.


When I look at myself, how many time did I act inappropriately - when angry, or disillusioned, or working from any of my character defects. I need to take responsibility and make restitution, but my family and those around me, for their own sakes, need to understand that it had nothing to do with them but with me, and forgive!  Sometimes a very hard but very necessary step ...


Innocent


 

Today the one overriding need is unity and harmony among the beloved of the Lord, for they should have among them but one heart and soul and should, so far as in them lieth, unitedly withstand the hostility of all the peoples of the world ... (Baha'i Writings)
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5 years ago  ::  Oct 28, 2009 - 10:21AM #3
Xxchristin022xx
Posts: 67

Oct 28, 2009 -- 9:49AM, Seefan wrote:


Oct 27, 2009 -- 6:30PM, Xxchristin022xx wrote:

I am the daughter of an alcoholic. My dad started abusing alcohol when his dad died 21 years ago. When I was little and he was drunk, he would go on rages. My brother and I were very scared of him. Having an alcoholic parent has changed my life. I was just wondering if this has been a problem for others?



My father was also an alcoholic but of a different variety. I never suffered from physical rants or rages. The abuse I suffered was mental. He never talked to me or did the normal things fathers do with their sons. This certainly did change my life for the worse.


How I overcame the results and got rid of the resentment against my father was to understand that it really wasn't about me. He didn't set out to do me harm and in fact he harmed himself more then he could harm me. He lived his life to the degree that he could with the living skills he had. He didn't know how to relate. He too, was afraid and didn't know how to handle situation in an effective manner.


When I look at myself, how many time did I act inappropriately - when angry, or disillusioned, or working from any of my character defects. I need to take responsibility and make restitution, but my family and those around me, for their own sakes, need to understand that it had nothing to do with them but with me, and forgive!  Sometimes a very hard but very necessary step ...



 




I really enjoyed your story.  I found that forgiving him was a necessary step too.  I, like you, suffered mental abuse also. 


My dad was never really around growing up, unless he was drunk.  He worked swing shift, which I am sure added to his anger problems.  But in high school, I dated someone he did not approve of, due to his race.  He mentally abused me by calling me racial slurs, screaming at me, and eventually kicking me out of the house at 14. 


I got ill when I was 19, and I found my self taking a journey to forgive him, so I would not end up like him.  I have got to say it is hard still to this day because you can forgive, but somethings you can never forget.  He has had several DUIs, including one recently.  I went to a class with him where the family and the person abusing alcohol were separate.  I found it very good to vent some of my experiences and to see that a lot of people had the same problems I did. 


My brother has not forgiven him and everyday he becomes a little more like him.  It is so crazy how a father's addiction can have such huge impact on the families life.

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2009 - 8:43AM #4
Seefan
Posts: 3,956

Oct 28, 2009 -- 10:21AM, Xxchristin022xx wrote:

  I really enjoyed your story.  I found that forgiving him was a necessary step too.  I, like you, suffered mental abuse also. 


My dad was never really around growing up, unless he was drunk.  He worked swing shift, which I am sure added to his anger problems.  But in high school, I dated someone he did not approve of, due to his race.  He mentally abused me by calling me racial slurs, screaming at me, and eventually kicking me out of the house at 14. 


I got ill when I was 19, and I found my self taking a journey to forgive him, so I would not end up like him.  I have got to say it is hard still to this day because you can forgive, but somethings you can never forget.  He has had several DUIs, including one recently.  I went to a class with him where the family and the person abusing alcohol were separate.  I found it very good to vent some of my experiences and to see that a lot of people had the same problems I did. 


My brother has not forgiven him and everyday he becomes a little more like him.  It is so crazy how a father's addiction can have such huge impact on the families life.



Yes parent's have such a profound effect on the family and so negative if the home is disfunctional.  They are our role model during the formative years and we do what we learn until we reach some sort of bottom and realize we need help!  When in an abusive or addiction centered home those important life skills are not learned and so somewhere we have to compensate and learn them on our own.  Next to an impossible job for most!  I'm sure you have your battles with resentments and living life on life's terms as it seems your brother has as well as myself.  AA and Alonon can be such a tremendence help at these time.  Have you or your brother tried Alanon or AA.  I know I couldn't handle my problems on my own.  Once I got to AA I found that I didn't have to shut the door on my past any longer.   I found a way of handling all situation up to today.


And the last thing I should mention that I discovered about myself ... Wink
   Wink

Today the one overriding need is unity and harmony among the beloved of the Lord, for they should have among them but one heart and soul and should, so far as in them lieth, unitedly withstand the hostility of all the peoples of the world ... (Baha'i Writings)
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5 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2009 - 9:43AM #5
Wendyness
Posts: 3,012

My father was an alcoholic also, died at the age of 56.  He left my life permanently when I was 13, walked out never looked back.  When I started analysis at the age of 26 I decided it was a good idea to meet this man face to face.  It was a transforming moment when I realized that alcohol had destroyed his mind, he was not the man I knew as a child.  I grieved and moved on.  I now watch my brother destroy his life by drinking.  Some of us look for our "spirit" in a bottle, others know you will never find it there.

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2009 - 12:03PM #6
Seefan
Posts: 3,956

Oct 29, 2009 -- 9:43AM, Wendyness wrote:

I now watch my brother destroy his life by drinking.  Some of us look for our "spirit" in a bottle, others know you will never find it there.




And that's part of the difference between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic!  The practicing alcoholic can't find their spirit!  It somehow got lost along the way!  Our true selves have been so elusive, just out of reach for years that we settle for what seems to work, what seems to make us feel alive.  The effects of alcoholic is the closest thing to living while the magic stills works!  We can't see any other way ...  Frown


We have no intention of harming other, certainly not our families! 

Today the one overriding need is unity and harmony among the beloved of the Lord, for they should have among them but one heart and soul and should, so far as in them lieth, unitedly withstand the hostility of all the peoples of the world ... (Baha'i Writings)
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5 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2009 - 2:50PM #7
Wendyness
Posts: 3,012

While there may be no conscious intent to harm, children of alcoholics are harmed.  A father's spirit is an important gift to a child.  The child suffers from neglect, emotional, spiritual and physical neglect without a father.  It was my fathers loss of spirit he desperately chased in an empty bottle.  It robbed my father of all he was and took his life.  Now my brother carries on the legacy of the lost spirit.

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2009 - 5:33PM #8
Xxchristin022xx
Posts: 67

Oct 29, 2009 -- 2:50PM, Wendyness wrote:


While there may be no conscious intent to harm, children of alcoholics are harmed.  A father's spirit is an important gift to a child.  The child suffers from neglect, emotional, spiritual and physical neglect without a father.  It was my fathers loss of spirit he desperately chased in an empty bottle.  It robbed my father of all he was and took his life.  Now my brother carries on the legacy of the lost spirit.




I agree with you totally and relate to you too!  They is definitely harm to children when they grow up with an alcoholic, intentional or not.  My dad drinks everyday to this day and starts every morning on his days off, but thinks he does not have a problem.  I, too, have a brother that is carrying on the legacy of his anger problems and addiction(his is more drug though).  I feel for you and completely relate!

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2009 - 6:54PM #9
Wendyness
Posts: 3,012

There but by the grace of God go I.  It is through God's grace that I don't have to look for my spirit in a bottle, it is known as the Holy Spirit.  When one has lost their spirit be very careful where you look, you may meet a demon.

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 30, 2009 - 4:42AM #10
holyone30num1
Posts: 147

yes. my mom is a recovering alcoholic and me 10 half months sober. both my parents were addicts growing up sucky way to grow up what kept me busy and in school was my sports. now their older and alot diffrent today. Cry

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