Last night I went back to the hospital and had a good, long talk with my cousin. It was quiet, her family had left and we had time.

She is like me in that we have both been caregivers for other people who have had cancer. Now she is like me and has crossed over into this other nation where she has cancer. The difference is stark.

She was feeling lonely and pretty scared. The last days have been a busy round of tests, surgery, diagnosis, treatment options and financial worries. Last night after the hub bub died down it hit her. She has cancer. There is no way to explain what that means unless we sit and have our doctor tell us those words.

I give honor and love to all the people who have supported me in this fight. I love them all. They have given me much. Yet, they go home at night. They watch TV, make meals, play with their kids, grandkids, cats, dogs, birds and frogs. They can forget about cancer. I can't. It stays with me 24/7. I can not think about it. I can live my life fully and richly. But, always, in all ways, cancer is part of ME. I am never going to go back to the life I had. I will always and forever see life from a different perspective. I know that lurking in my body is a gremlin that can kill me and will do so one day.

I DON'T dwell on this. I really don't. I live here and now, in this moment, in this place. I live fiercely, with passion. My whole being goes into my life. Yet, I know I have cancer. I am part of a different tribe now. I live in a new neighborhood. I have learned my way around here. I know the streets, the houses, the landscape. I know how to get around to the shoe store, the grocery store and the hardware store. I know where the coffee shop it. I can't say I am comfortable here but I am familiar with the scenery.  That gives me a little bit of distance with the immediacy of having cancer but it doesn't change the fact that I do live with it every day.

Ellie is just starting to explore the neighborhood. She and I will probably be living on different streets. We'll decorate differently, drive different cars and go to different churches. But we are neighbors here. I am trying to show her around.

It helps to talk to other people who are living this and have lived it. It gives up hope but it's more than that. When I talk to cancer patients and cancer survivors I know they have been where I am standing. They do know how this feels. They have faced waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. They have walked the floors at 2 a.m. They have burst into tears for no reason or any reason. They have had to stare in the mirror at the new chemo hairdo. They understand when I talk about it. THAT is so comforting and so wonderful to have.

Bless you Frankie. You have helped me get my life back. It's a life with cancer in it but well, it is MY life and while I can never go back to the old me I can sure learn how to love, honor and care for this me.

I am making chicken soup today. It's raining and chilly here. It's a good day for soup, books, cats and the smell of soup permeating the house.

The soup was good and the pancakes and jam are on that special cyberstove. They are ready when you are.

Did I hear you say Jimmy Buffet and the Islands? Oh yeah sister. I am on it!

itty scampers off to the jukebox. Soon the strains of "cheeseburger in Paradise" fill the air in the Saloon. It drifts down the street....Jimmhy Buffet is one of my favorite singers. Now can I remember where I put the song about the bear? I dunno....Gonna hafta look.

Hello every one. Hay I seen the Adnocystic word...I have it in my mouth, my jaw, god only knows were alse. I was told that I had to have the left side of my face removed. There was a 75% chance I wouldn't make it through the operation. I chose not to get it done. They gave me 18 months to life. That was 3 years ago. I moved out of state to get better treatment. Wich so fair, I'm still lookin. At this point I know I will not be cured. Just hoppin to buy some time.
    I needed this site so badly. Makin such a hudge move, i'm freindless & feelin so very alone. My 17 year doughter is to. We have each other, thank god above. Still, I don't want to way her down any more then she has to be. She quit school to work full time to saport the both of us. Walfair just isn't enough. Neathor is ssi. I thank god for her every day. Out of 6 children she's the only one willing to go through this with me. Losing all she knew to do it. Yea alot of well disurved gilt there.
   So now u've hurd me boo hoo. Being alive after what the docs have said I can say stay the course. Don't give up. Miricals happen. Thank u for being hear for me.

Timber,

Itty offers a lot of great advice!!  It's good to see you here, and to know that you are benefiting from our group.  I'm a 12 year survivor of stage 3 breast cancer.  So far, doing well.

The saloon is a place where we can just relax and let our hair down.  Like today, I would love a Pena Colada with extra rum and a large plate of Cajun boiled shrimp.  Of course, I'll share my shrimp, but beware the Cayenne!!!  I like 'em hot!!!

There's always the Cheeseburger in Paradise, if you want something milder. 

Itty, I love Buffett!!!  I've got about 10 of his CD's, and a couple of his books.  So if you're a fan, tell me this:

What do the wino and I know???

So here's some major chocolate brownie marshmallow with chunks of chocolate ice cream for Sierra!   One thing I truly hated during chemo is that it changed the taste of chocolate for me.  I used to live on it, now I don't really like it much. 

Any particular music for the day?

I think a little bluesy jazz is on the menu.  Maybe some BB King or Ray Charles.