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Switch to Forum Live View I cry excessively after meditating
3 years ago  ::  Apr 12, 2012 - 9:33PM #1
salsagirl
Posts: 2
I know that I'm experiencing a quarter life crises. I'm 25, I graduated from college and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have some insecurities and they come up when I meditate. But that's not the point, I'm dealing quite well with life right now. I have a great situation, I have a few easy jobs and I basically have a lot of free time which I'm using to join activities, clubs and a class.

Before I began to meditate more than a month ago, I used to deal with my insecurities and anger by lashing out at my loved ones. I would fight over little things with my boyfriend and they would turn into hour long phone arguments.

My sister called me a hurricane, my boyfriend called me "chiquita roja" angry red chick. I had resorted to violence a few times but no more than 3 times. I still can't believe that he forgave me.

 Then one day I got into a huge car accident. The car did a 360 and thank goodness that no one got hurt and I came out unscathed. I realized then that had I lived in the moment, that wouldn't happen so I began to meditate everyday and after a month, people started to notice changes but I also began to cry.

Today I cried for more than an hour and I began to punch the wall. Then my aunt came to mind and something from within told me to forgive her for being such a b***, but I couldn't, I don't want to! I want to smack the living daylights out of her first, then I'll forgive her.

 My therapist said that because I'm used to dealing with stress by lashing out at people, I'm now dealing with it in a different way. Crying is good because I'm not hurting anyone. Besides, I have so much anger pent up from my childhood. I'm mad that my dad didn't have the balls to stand up to his sisters who made our life a living hell for a while. I'm mad that my mom does not speak English. I'm mad because instead of arguing with my boyfriend, I say "ok baby". Not that that is a bad thing, that's actually good but it just feels RIDICULOUSLY WEIRD.

The therapist said that there is no more hype in my life and that my tears are like withdrawal symptoms. I found myself crying uncontrollably on the bathroom floor today! What's weird and very awesome at the same time is that I'm going to see my boyfriend in a few hours. And as bad and crappy as I feel now--the tears are a mixture of confusion, embarrasment and frustration because I have not been able to work on a paper that is due next week--that is how great I'm going to feel when I see him.

I just hope that this crying is not some kind of disease. I heard that meditating is hard and that changing human habit is one of the most difficult things to do. I feel ridiculous right now and even intimidated to meditate ever again but that's not going to happen. If the people around me are telling me that they're happier now then it must be a good sign. However, I will limit my sessions to 10 minutes for now on.
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3 years ago  ::  Apr 12, 2012 - 11:57PM #2
karbie
Posts: 3,329

You have a lot of pent-up pain, hurt and anger that you've used rage to mask. If you can push people away before they get a chance to hurt you again, then you are safe. The problem is not being able to remove anything rotten you've said from someone else's mind; it becomes part of their interior landscape.


In adition to meditating, is your therapist having you keep a journal? I fought writing things down because I didn't want to run the risk of anyone in my family getting hold of it. The old "anything you say can be thrown back in your face for years to come" bit. but I discovered that there was a lot of poison I needed to get out of my system. Yes, I cried a lot. I still can't understand some of the crap from my one Grandma, who told me when I was about 3 that she had never loved me and never would, because she only loved my older sister. She put on a good show when other people were around, and it was confusing. My Grandfather responded by making me his pet, but he loved us both. She made up her mind not to love me the day I was born.


So when you want to beat the crap out of an aunt, write it down instead of acting it out. (It also will bug Hell out of her when she can't set you off--it takes away her ability to try to run your life. As long as she can push your buttons, she has power--which she apparently has always tried to take over you. She isn't a parent so she has no business trying to rule over another adult.)


You don't have to share your journals--it just gives you a chance to curse, say what you think of things--like you did here.


Eventually you won't cry so much after you meditate--these are just some of the emotions you need to get out. It will get better.


I'm glad you weren't hurt in the car crash.


A friend taught me that when I was referring to someone as a bitch, it would raise my blood pressure,etc, and suggested substituting "Fluffy" instead. It makes me think of a brainless kitten and it's harder to get as upset.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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3 years ago  ::  Apr 13, 2012 - 7:21PM #3
salsagirl
Posts: 2
Thank you for the advice. My concern is that its so frustrating and I'm so used to seeing crying as a result of feeling sad that today I wondered if it was depression. Who knows maybe it is but I'm sure that it's not.

My therapist is not making me keep a journal but I am anyway. I havent picked it up in weeks but after reading your post, I wrote in it today. In doing that, I noticed that I've improved. I'll have to keep it in my purse for now. Thanks a bunch!

~S

PS I like the fluffy advice, it definitely works!
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3 years ago  ::  Apr 14, 2012 - 12:12AM #4
karbie
Posts: 3,329

I'm not the type to "have a good cry and get it out of your system",since the next day my eyes are swollen,my face is, and I end up with a killer migraine.


I do have clinical depression, due to having been in chronic pain for years. I've had surgery on the upper spine--etc.


If you are having a day when when it's harder to hang on then others, do what  I do--channel your inner toddler and use the stubborness to again keep people like relatives--or your own temper--from getting to you. We were lucky--we had to be polite, and we were expected to love our family members, but Mother told us it was up to us whether or not we liked them. Liking had to be earned.


A friend now has less trouble calling her boss "Sir". Good thing he doesn't know that when she says it to him it stands for Slimy irritating rodent.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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