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|4 years ago :: Mar 15, 2012 - 9:53AM #1|
For the past few years I have been feeling a great deal of anger towards an uncle of mine who passed away. The anger started when it came out that he had molested one (and possibly another) of his daughters. It's not that I am exceptionally close to my cousins, we only really talk anymore at family gatherings, although I am a very loyal person. At first I was convinced that it was just loyalty, "how dare he harm my family?" kind of thing. And believe me I am loyal and I do care about what he did to her/them. After finding that out though the anger just seemed to build, even though my cousin was seeking forgiveness and closure at this time. I was pretty much the only one in the family who was this angry at him. Any time after that where I had to have any interaction with him, just looking at him or being around him made me sick. A year or two later he died as his health was failing. My parents asked me about riding with them to the funeral, but I lied to them and said that I had to work and couldn't make it. I just couldn't bring myself to be there knowing that members of my family were mourning his death, when I was happy that he was dead. I know that's a horrible thing to say, but I am. I am so glad he is no longer living.
But the thing is that I don't understand why I have such hatred for this man. He was a jerk while he was alive (aside from the abuse to his daughter), but other than that I can't even remember anything about him. Although this is normal for me. There is very little of my childhood that I do remember. (is that normal?) Through my life if something bad happened to me I would consciously work on forgetting that it ever happened. That was how I stayed strong. Is it possible that there are things that happened that I don't remember? And if so, wouldn't there be at least one spark of memory? But on the other hand, if something did happen, I'm not sure I do want to remember it. And I would never want to even consider pursuing memories like this unless I was sure.
I'm not sure what I am trying to say here. Just dealing with a lot of anger that I don't understand and this is not something that I feel I can talk to about with anyone, face to face. I guess I feel safer just posting it here. I'm just really confused, and I think part of me is hoping everyone will say "oh your fine, it's nothing", but on the other hand, I'm tired of feeling this way. Am I just ragingly crazy? Or has anyone else gone through this?