Jimmi:

I'm a suffer of depression/grief brought on by two things that happened to me.
In March of 1973 I underwent an unwanted abortion on March 27,1973
On January 26,1974 my mother suffered a massive stroke whick led to the discover of a
inopberable brain tumor which led to her passing on September 29,1974.

It's 38 years for both incidences.
The abortion plunged me into deep grief and then when mom got sick I had to push that
grief under the perverbial carpet and stiffel it.
I couldn't cry or let my mom see I was in pain. My father told me I better not let that happen
or he'd kill me~my problems didn't matter as far as he was concerned.
The only person who mattered in that house was his wife,my mother.
He came second and as far as he cared I came last.

The abortion was never mentioned after it happened.
It was like it never happened,like I had not gotten pregnant.

But I did but I was never asked what I wanted to do?
did I want to have my child? I would have said yes.
"Let me have him and let me give him up like my own birth mother did me"
But my feelings didn't matter,in their books so I was never asked what I wanted.

For 38 years I've cried over my being forced to abort my son.
I couldn't beleive that my parents would make me do something like that.

I've come to realize that my son's death is not on my head or my mom's head.
The one who has to carry my son's death sentence is my father.

now my problem is when some of my friends tell me "it's over it happened,you can't
change it forget about it" How can you forget about your child/mother when there's a
hole in your heart where your son should have been????

I can't forget about my son,that will never happen as long as I live.
The pain of losing my mother to cancer will deminish.
But the love I have for both my son and my mother will only grow.

the only person who I will never forgive is my father.
Now I have two depressions a year.
one on March 27th and the other from August 27 to October 15.

The first is the day I had the abortion.
The second has to do with my mom's death and when my son would have been borne.
If you need to talk, you can always find me here @ depression support or at grief support
My name's Marleneemm.
nice to make your acquaintence.

Dear Jimmi,

It's wonderful to see you back here! Thank you for your kind words--I don't know if I'm a pillar, but everyone here is part of an electronic family/support group of choice. there's a pain support group through my pain doctor, but it involves hours of sitting on uncomfortable chairs and going out in all sorts of weather. I don't have to do that here and we don't have to deal with the externals. I seem to remember you jumping in to help others when you'd been coming here about 2 wees. You've been missed, dear friend.

I'm glad that looking at your sons helped with the suicidal thoughts. Once I realized that my son's chances of committing suicide rose by 50% if one of his parents died, I knew it was a legacy I couldn't leave him no matter what. so keep that in mind, and if you have to dig deep, just think of one of them being the one to find you. Before I has my son, the person who would have found me when I was in a truly dark time would have been my mother. Although I still think our family doctor was cheating.  He had given us both Dalmane as a sleeping pill. They left such a horrible taste in your mouth there was no possibility of taking a large enough dose to kill yourself because you wouldn't have been able to keep them down long enough. He didn't even bother to deny it.

Sorry--but I'm not sure where you are in the isolation phase--much better, since you've come back home to us. Part of my funk is a side effect of an antibiotic..Although in a way it is a sleep aid. You have to sit up for 10 minutes after you take it, and you immediately want to lie down and go to sleep. Probably just my contrary streak. I'm told that my first complete sentence was "No.Mine. Do it myself!"

Thank you for your sympathy over my uncle's death.I know that his spirit soared to be with my aunt again. She was only 68 and they were truly soulmates and each other's friends as well as equal partners. She'd gotten him through the loss of his best friend for life just months before she died.While I wish we'd all had a little more time, when the prognosis changed from months to days, we all stepped back to be sure any lucid moments he had were spent with his kids. I'm grateful for every second of pain he didn't have to endure and I'm looking at it that way. He'd had a horrible preview watching Hal die after months of agony. He woke up long enough to tell his kids that he loved them, his eldest daughter got to be sure that he really knew she was there, and he was gone in an hour.

I'll see everyone again some day. I'm just not in a particular rush about it. I'm so glad to have you home!

Jimmi, Marlene,

Hello and welcome back to both of you.  Altho it's nice to see y'all again, as always, I do have to say that I'm sorry you're feeling badly enough to be here.  Sort of a Catch 22, perhaps?  Anyway, echoing Joycon, c'mon to The Front Desk thread and play with us, ok?

Oct 27, 2011 -- 5:43PM, MarleneEmmett5 wrote:

JoyceB53:
Thanks for the welcome.
just left a little bit at the FrontDesk about myself/my depression.

Y'welcome.  Saw your post on the Front Desk.  Keep posting there, I think you'll like it, ok?