Post Reply
Switch to Forum Live View Hello old friends, it's me, Jimm.
3 years ago  ::  Oct 24, 2011 - 4:38PM #1
Frobisher
Posts: 4
Hello everyone. I used to have an account here under Jimm Haley a couple of years back. I was fighting depression then and came to find a wonderful support system in the people here. I've returned, with my full name: Jimmi Haley Frobisher, although I do go by "Jimm" most of the time.

I did drop by the last 12 months every now and then just to see what was going on. I've moved on a little in life but struggle with the occasional demon of depression. I'm fighting with one now, I must say; this morning I awoke thinking "What's the point?" and with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart. Seeing my three kids snapped me out of it, at least for a while, but behind the joy there's a sad, lonely feeling weighing me down.

I have a ways to go, obviously. But coming here has already been healing. It's nice to see a couple of old names. Karbie, there you are -- even as the world crumbles around us you're always here, like a pillar that we all lean upon and can count on. I'm very sorry to have read about the loss of your uncle. People glibly say that "life is terminal" but that hardly assuages the pain of loss we feel when someone important to us goes somewhere we can't immediately follow.

My best wishes to you all. I hope I can help others here as I have been helped in the past.
Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Oct 24, 2011 - 5:58PM #2
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,704

Jimmi:

I'm a suffer of depression/grief brought on by two things that happened to me.
In March of 1973 I underwent an unwanted abortion on March 27,1973
On January 26,1974 my mother suffered a massive stroke whick led to the discover of a
inopberable brain tumor which led to her passing on September 29,1974.

It's 38 years for both incidences.
The abortion plunged me into deep grief and then when mom got sick I had to push that
grief under the perverbial carpet and stiffel it.
I couldn't cry or let my mom see I was in pain. My father told me I better not let that happen
or he'd kill me~my problems didn't matter as far as he was concerned.
The only person who mattered in that house was his wife,my mother.
He came second and as far as he cared I came last.

The abortion was never mentioned after it happened.
It was like it never happened,like I had not gotten pregnant.

But I did but I was never asked what I wanted to do?
did I want to have my child? I would have said yes.
"Let me have him and let me give him up like my own birth mother did me"
But my feelings didn't matter,in their books so I was never asked what I wanted.

For 38 years I've cried over my being forced to abort my son.
I couldn't beleive that my parents would make me do something like that.

I've come to realize that my son's death is not on my head or my mom's head.
The one who has to carry my son's death sentence is my father.

now my problem is when some of my friends tell me "it's over it happened,you can't
change it forget about it" How can you forget about your child/mother when there's a
hole in your heart where your son should have been????

I can't forget about my son,that will never happen as long as I live.
The pain of losing my mother to cancer will deminish.
But the love I have for both my son and my mother will only grow.

the only person who I will never forgive is my father.
Now I have two depressions a year.
one on March 27th and the other from August 27 to October 15.

The first is the day I had the abortion.
The second has to do with my mom's death and when my son would have been borne.
If you need to talk, you can always find me here @ depression support or at grief support
My name's Marleneemm.
nice to make your acquaintence.

Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Oct 25, 2011 - 1:25PM #3
Frobisher
Posts: 4

Marlene, thank you for the welcome back and for sharing such a terribly painful chapter of your life with me.


As I read your narrative I felt my heart breaking. What a horrific experience. I can't even begin to imagine the anguish you have endured over the years. There are no regrets worse than the "what if" ones. I wish there was a simple way to find you solace, but there isn't one. You have grieved for so long, and will continue to grieve. All I can offer you is my heartfelt sympathies, and a shoulder should you ever find you need to simply rest your head and cry.


Sometimes I wonder if life isn't about how we handle our pain. Presenting a "stiff upper lip" is a purely social construct. What we do inside ourselves, how our spirit handles the agony of our day-to-day struggles, is I think some measure of who we are as people. Some of the strongest people I know take the time to cry or feel rage. Maybe I could take a lesson from them.


Thanks again for sharing with me, Marlene. All the best to you.

Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Oct 25, 2011 - 2:01PM #4
karbie
Posts: 3,329

Dear Jimmi,


It's wonderful to see you back here! Thank you for your kind words--I don't know if I'm a pillar, but everyone here is part of an electronic family/support group of choice. there's a pain support group through my pain doctor, but it involves hours of sitting on uncomfortable chairs and going out in all sorts of weather. I don't have to do that here and we don't have to deal with the externals. I seem to remember you jumping in to help others when you'd been coming here about 2 wees. You've been missed, dear friend.


I'm glad that looking at your sons helped with the suicidal thoughts. Once I realized that my son's chances of committing suicide rose by 50% if one of his parents died, I knew it was a legacy I couldn't leave him no matter what. so keep that in mind, and if you have to dig deep, just think of one of them being the one to find you. Before I has my son, the person who would have found me when I was in a truly dark time would have been my mother. Although I still think our family doctor was cheating.  He had given us both Dalmane as a sleeping pill. They left such a horrible taste in your mouth there was no possibility of taking a large enough dose to kill yourself because you wouldn't have been able to keep them down long enough. He didn't even bother to deny it.


Sorry--but I'm not sure where you are in the isolation phase--much better, since you've come back home to us. Part of my funk is a side effect of an antibiotic..Although in a way it is a sleep aid. You have to sit up for 10 minutes after you take it, and you immediately want to lie down and go to sleep. Probably just my contrary streak. I'm told that my first complete sentence was "No.Mine. Do it myself!"


Thank you for your sympathy over my uncle's death.I know that his spirit soared to be with my aunt again. She was only 68 and they were truly soulmates and each other's friends as well as equal partners. She'd gotten him through the loss of his best friend for life just months before she died.While I wish we'd all had a little more time, when the prognosis changed from months to days, we all stepped back to be sure any lucid moments he had were spent with his kids. I'm grateful for every second of pain he didn't have to endure and I'm looking at it that way. He'd had a horrible preview watching Hal die after months of agony. He woke up long enough to tell his kids that he loved them, his eldest daughter got to be sure that he really knew she was there, and he was gone in an hour.


I'll see everyone again some day. I'm just not in a particular rush about it. I'm so glad to have you home!

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Oct 26, 2011 - 12:27PM #5
joycon
Posts: 2,787

Hi Jimmi, welcome back. It's nice to see you too Marlene. If you haven't already done so please consider checking in at the "front desk".

Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Oct 27, 2011 - 5:37PM #6
JoyceB53
Posts: 2,328

Jimmi, Marlene,

Hello and welcome back to both of you.  Altho it's nice to see y'all again, as always, I do have to say that I'm sorry you're feeling badly enough to be here.  Sort of a Catch 22, perhaps?  Anyway, echoing Joycon, c'mon to The Front Desk thread and play with us, ok?

Today is the day that the Lord hath made; we shall rejoice and be glad in it.

---Psalm 118:24
Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Oct 27, 2011 - 5:43PM #7
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,704

JoyceB53:
Thanks for the welcome.
just left a little bit at the FrontDesk about myself/my depression.

Quick Reply
Cancel
3 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2011 - 10:01PM #8
JoyceB53
Posts: 2,328

Oct 27, 2011 -- 5:43PM, MarleneEmmett5 wrote:

JoyceB53:
Thanks for the welcome.
just left a little bit at the FrontDesk about myself/my depression.


Y'welcome.  Saw your post on the Front Desk.  Keep posting there, I think you'll like it, ok?

Today is the day that the Lord hath made; we shall rejoice and be glad in it.

---Psalm 118:24
Quick Reply
Cancel
 
    Viewing this thread :: 0 registered and 1 guest
    No registered users viewing
    Advertisement

    Beliefnet On Facebook