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Switch to Forum Live View Suicidal, Depressed and angry
7 years ago  ::  Jun 22, 2011 - 6:14AM #1
Posts: 1

Forgive me if this becomes a bit too long, but I am not comfortable discussing this with anyone in my life right now.  I will endeavor to make it as short as possible.

I have applied for disability for depression.  I have not worked since December of 2010 and have been in the hospital diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder recurrent and a borderline anxiety disorder.  I was sent to a psychologist yesterday for an exam since I only have medical records from my hospital stay, which isn't much in their eyes. 

At the end of the exam the psychologist tells me, knowing perfectly well that I am depressed and suicidal, that I am feeling this way because I drink too much caffeine.  Now I've found myself spiraling further into depression and suicidal tendencies. I have started to cut myself using a razor blade and know that it is only a matter of time before I get the courage to finish the job.
How can a psychologist say something like this to a person?  Does he want me to kill myself?

I would much rather be working and providing for myself as I was only six months ago, but now I feel as though I will never get back there again.  These programs exist to help people like me, so why am I being ignored?
Has anyone else experienced something similar?

Right now I'm just trying to hold on, hour by hour.

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7 years ago  ::  Jun 22, 2011 - 12:33PM #2
Posts: 3,065

Travis - Just released from the hospital psych ward after an episode of extreme depression with suicide ideations....yes, I've been there done that, several times.

I've never heard of a doctor being overly concerned with the caffiene (it is usually street drugs or alcohol use that concerns the docs), though you probably should cut back on it, as it interfers with sleep, which is usually a major issue with depression.  Too little sleep and a person becomes psychotic.

Have you been given anything to help with the sleep issues.  Generic Ambien is usually the drug of first choice, but I've been able to shift off to time released melatonin after many years of being treated for chronic insomnia.

You don't have to stay with the doctor assigned.  Perhaps a psychiatrist would be better suited for treatment right now?

The only other suggestions based on my own experience for you right now, raw and just out of the hospital is to stick to the meds, keep the doctor appointments, especially the therapist appointments, find a support group (this one is great, but check out local real time support groups as well), concentrate on a healthy diet and exercise - even if exercising is that last thing you want to do, but getting out for a 20 minute walk a day if nothing else is part of the treatment.

If you stick to the treatment, chronic depression is a treatable illness. If you don't stick with the routine, this is a deadly illness. 

Blessings sent your way, you'll need them, and courage as well.  I hope you keep posting for the emotional support, as well as practical ideas on dealing with chronic depression. 

By the way - ditch the razors for now.  I even know some folks, in the midst of an acute episode having to clear their home of knives.


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7 years ago  ::  Jun 23, 2011 - 9:21AM #3
Posts: 2,788

Travis, I found out that if it is a psychologist that social security sent you to see chances are they will minimize your issues in order to prevent you getting SSD. I know they are supposedly impartial but those I saw were not, IMHO.

Insomnia certainly makes my depression and agitation worse. Wishing you all the best.

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7 years ago  ::  Jun 25, 2011 - 3:55PM #4
Posts: 2,236


If you are currenly feeling angry and suicidal please get help. I had to put a family member in the hospital.


She is finally getting the helps she needs.


You may have to SREAM for help many many times to get it!!!

Please seek help.

Knock on the door!


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7 years ago  ::  Jun 25, 2011 - 10:42PM #5
Posts: 659


Please know you are not alone during this difficult time. People in this forum are here for you. I was in the hospital three years ago for a suicide attempt ...the details aren't important, but what is important is that you don't wait till it comes to that before you get help. If one doctor or therapist doesn't help, find another. Never give up...there are caring people around to help. Sometimes it is one day at a time...sometimes one hour...sometimes one minute. You are in my thoughts and prayers..please let us know how you are doing.

God Bless! *hugs*

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7 years ago  ::  Jun 28, 2011 - 2:19AM #6
Posts: 50


When I first came on to this site, I came on to the thread titled the Front Desk.

As lovely a community as those people are, I soon realized that my issues might be more intense.  There is one lady that has friended me on this forum, from that thread, who I now term my Cybermom.

The reason I write with such a preamble is because, in a nutshell, I am in the process of being diagnosed for a dissassociative disorder, depressive disorder, Bipolar disorder - I don't even know if you can have those all together or under just one term.  I'm sorta new to this whole mental health world.  It was this community, this one Cybermom, who gives me more support that my own blood kin.

 I can't tell you how many times I just go through my days wondering why I'm here - yet I do. I haven't gotten to a razor blade - to much of a coward - but I have resorted to self-harm.  Either way, I'm getting the message that it is not good.  Especially since  I have  a 12 year old son to think about. But he is living with his father now, and I don't care how you spin it, a knife in the heart would probably be more comfortable.  I have yet to try that.  

I'm not sure where you're at, with you're struggles, so I will not continue with my very graphic yet verbal ideas.  I will say though, that I for one am glad your here.  This is a community where you can vent and your vents and emails will not go disregarded (at least not by me, that has been my experience so far).

I'm sending prayers and positive vibes your way,                                                                      Take Care,


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7 years ago  ::  Oct 04, 2011 - 11:29PM #7
Posts: 8


I am new to the site, so I don't know how this works, but it appears that know one has responded in months?

How is everyone doing?  I pray everyone is well to date and fighting at least one minute, hour, day at a time!!!!

I to struggle with your same thoughts, depression states and have for at least 6 years now, well except when I was young.  I struggled with sucidal thoughts as a child.  I thought I was over depression but it has come back with holy war.

It's like the demonic forces are trying to rain/pour!  The only One who has kept me alive is my Savior!  This past Saturday was a close one, but He saved me again. 

I don't know how long He will keep protecting me, I guess as long as it takes for His plan to prevail.

Anyway, I am sorry, it's not about me, but you guys!!!  I don't know if you guys believe in "I AM", but I will pray for you, well already have and will continue.

I don't have the answers, but know that like others have said, you are not alone.  I am here to listen.  I may give some advice, and I pray it comes not from me, but from the One that can do all things and nothing is impossible through Him.

Please do update your status!!!!

"Little is much, if "I AM" is in it."

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7 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2011 - 3:11PM #8
Posts: 2,809

Travis, are you still reading here?  How are you doing?  Please come to the first thread on the board, the Front Desk, and post there with us, let us know how you're doing, ok?

IAM, hello, welcome to beliefnet's depression forum.  It would be good to see you also posting on the Front Desk, ok?  Good people, lots of sharing, and understanding, as well. 

Please check it out.  Take care of yourselves, hear?  God bless.

Today is the day that the Lord hath made; we shall rejoice and be glad in it.

---Psalm 118:24
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7 years ago  ::  Oct 13, 2011 - 1:55AM #9
Posts: 8

Oct 7, 2011 -- 3:11PM, JoyceB53 wrote:

Travis, are you still reading here?  How are you doing?  Please come to the first thread on the board, the Front Desk, and post there with us, let us know how you're doing, ok?

IAM, hello, welcome to beliefnet's depression forum.  It would be good to see you also posting on the Front Desk, ok?  Good people, lots of sharing, and understanding, as well. 

Please check it out.  Take care of yourselves, hear?  God bless.

Thanks Joyce.  I tried posting on the Front Desk???  I hope/think it worked.  I really don't understand this site yet???  Can't figure how to post, get to etc  put if it worked  I gave a ear full.  Thank You!!!!

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