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Switch to Forum Live View Is it time to delete and leave Belief-net? Over twenty years ago, I...
4 years ago  ::  Apr 15, 2011 - 12:17AM #1
Echo_of_me
Posts: 1,268
I wasn't sure where to post this. Though abuse is a contributor to my depression, it is no longer a primary issue. Over twenty years ago, I spent six years in various types of therapy focused on recovery. Though recovery from severe abuse and it's resultant issues is lifelong, it is rarely a primary issue for me anymore. I decided to post here because depression is what I'm dealing with now.

I stopped telling my story in detail many years ago, (and I won't now). It isn't 'pretty' and nobody wants to listen to whining. Nevertheless, I am at loss about how to cope right now. Maybe no one will read this, and I'll just get it out. It doesn't look as though there is much activity here; who wants to be brought down by some one else's issue when there are joyful things to do with one's time? I've been spinning things to be more acceptable and comfortable for others for so long, it's challenging to just say how I'm feeling, or even let myself feel it, for that matter. Even when I reference my experiences, I tell them from a distance. In the short time I've been on B-net, I've referenced this issue two or three times in the context of conversation; more than I've spoken of it in the last fives years all together!

I grew up in an affluent family, with privilege, a private school education, travel and opportunity. Underneath the nice picture was seething sickness. I was raped, tortured and whipped throughout my childhood. Still I was a successful student and held a position of good standing in school. No one knew the truth. Punishment for displeasing my father was severe. It could include being whipped daily for a certain period of time, being made to perform all the household chores, not being allowed to eat with the family, not being allowed to raise my eyes in the presence of the family, or sit in their presence, even being kept home from school so that I couldn't get relief during the punishment period. This sort of mental torture was every bit as damaging as the rape and beating, and left me partcularly sensitive to bullying. You get the picture.

So...I've dealt with depression and suicidal ideation since I was nine. I am NOT suicidal now. I'm appropriately medicated under a physicians supervision, and I've had lots o' therapy. That said, since I've been on B-net I've taken a beating. There are some wonderful things here, my husband and I both feel that this is good for me, yet...there is such cruelty here as well. I've unwittingly tripped into some toxic situations. Yes, I've pulled myself out and kept bumbling along, navigating the site, looking for a place for myself, (I'm not fully computer literate, hence the bumbling). I've really been hurt since I've been here, yet each time I've started to delete myself, some one or something truly supportive and beneficial has appeared. My spiritual path is not acceptable to the majority that dominates the community page, and during the time I was learning to navigate and trying to find like-minded people, I posted there. I was unaware that I
would be bullied, particularly after declining the attempts to convert me. They were so harsh; it left me feeling terrible. One of my father's 'reason's' for torturing, raping and beating me, was that, (he claimed), I was evil inside or there was something evil inside me. So when these people started judging and condemning, it truly knocked the breath out of me, and I started spiraling into depression.


It has been a necessary part of my ongoing recovery that I stand up and defend myself. To not do so risks my recovery, (in the same way that a recovering alcoholic taking a drink would risk their recovery). I made every attempt to plead for respect for myself by speaking to the issue of respect for diversity. It has also been a part of my recovery to lend my strength of voice to the issues of respect for diversity, protection for abused children and battered women, and freedom of religion and philosophy. I've presented workshops, lectures, local PSA's, etc.. I've written and coordinated self-esteem building programs throughout the area's school systems. Well, I've always been an overachiever. Anyway, this has been my approach to such subjects, and was my approach to being bullied here. Not a good idea. They only became more defensive. So, I just stayed as far away from all the negativity as I could. I thought that meant deleting, but a kind moderator gave me some guidance to other areas on the site. Still my depression grew deeper.


At one point I spoke forcefully about standing up to perpetrators, in the context of a conversation thread about groups that become dangerous in the pursuit of their own agendas, and target all who disagree with them. Of course that drew criticism from the like-minded folks I thought I'd found a place with. I do stand behind the point of view I presented. Having interceded on behalf of abused children and women, I am keenly aware that good intentions and peaceful, passive means will not save a victim in danger at the hands of an abuser. Sometimes more assertive means are necessary, whether that be speaking out or contacting the appropriate authorities. Well, my point of view demonstrates that I'm not enlightened and kind enough to keep company with the people on similar spiritual paths to mine. More rejection. More depression.


Deleting may be my only option. However, am I not worthy to be anywhere? I was raised to believe that I don't have a right to be alive and use resources that good people need. My healing has been all about teaching myself that that was a lie, that I am a good person, I deserve to be accepted and even loved; that's a tough one when your parents don't love you, (my father
proudly tells the story of spanking me at six weeks old because I cried for no reason, and didn't need to be picked up). I'm not acceptable to the mainstream religions, or the spiritual paths like mine. I truly wanted to find more support to grow spiritually, and continue my healing; to learn more. Belief-net is so big, isn't there room for me someplace? It feels like if even here, where there is something for everybody, I am not acceptable or welcome to participate where my interests and spiritual path are addressed, I must truly be bad. It hurts. I am so very very sad.
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4 years ago  ::  Apr 15, 2011 - 9:59AM #2
Sally
Posts: 1

While I can't say "I know how you feel" (because no one totally knows how you feel other than you!), I just wanted to draw attention to the fact that online forums are rife with negativity. I think it's mostly due to the anonymous nature of posting online. I think people take out the frustrations in their lives on people they find online because it's easier than dealing with their problems in a healthy way. This results in people like you being hurt and feeling trampled upon.


I think maybe the thing to do is to separate yourself a bit from these posts. If that's possible. I mean perhaps you could try to put on a sort of soft exterior battle garb before posting your thoughts online? I hate to say it this way, but otherwise you'll take as much negativity and abuse online as you will productive and helpful advice and support.


I wouldn't say posting on B-net is necessarily something to quit, but if you find it hurting and injuring you, or bringing up some of those bad feelings and blame again, maybe take a few steps back and stay off for a couple months. If you find that you're feeling more positive and secure in your life after staying away from the forums during this time...don't come back and subject yourself to more pain. If you find that you miss the support during these months, do come back and try to focus on those people who want to help you or empathize with you, over the anonymous jerks that are just wanting to pick fights and debate their own issues online.


Take care and I hope that you do find solace and peace!


~Sallybranwyn

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4 years ago  ::  Apr 15, 2011 - 1:01PM #3
Echo_of_me
Posts: 1,268
Thank you Sally.
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4 years ago  ::  Apr 15, 2011 - 11:29PM #4
JoyceB53
Posts: 2,370

I don't have a lot to say, because I've never been in the situations you've described, either here on bnet or in your past.  What i will say, tho, is that here on the depression forum, I've not had to deal with any kind of abuse or cyber-attacks.  While I can't say it doesn't happen here, I've never seen it, and hopefully that's because it doesn't happen here.  I certainly hope not.


Perhaps pulling back from the forums where you've been attacked, for a while, and just coming here to vent and talk, might ease some of the frustration and pain you're feeling.  Just my opinion, yours may vary.


Whatever you do, I hope it finds you some peace.  God bless.

Today is the day that the Lord hath made; we shall rejoice and be glad in it.

---Psalm 118:24
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4 years ago  ::  Apr 16, 2011 - 7:43PM #5
karbie
Posts: 3,329

I checked your home page--and you and I seem to share a belief that there are as many paths to Heaven as there are people who believe in God, Godesses, Mother God, Islam, Christianity--but only the type that doesn't spend all of their time gloating over who is burning in Hell for not being a member of their church. Or whipping innocent children for the reflection of their own evil.


I'm sorry that you had such a horrible, torturous childhood at the hands of the ones who should have been teaching you about love and trust. You are amazing to have just survived it.


I'm also sad that you again went for help and were bullied instead. I remember my son getting upset when there was a flyer "inviting" us to attend their church. His shock had to do with the part that told us if we didn't go to their church we would go to Hell. I reminded him that no one on Earth has the power to decide that, and any time he was invited to that type of church to get as far away from them as possible.


While I'd be honored to do this for you, if there's someone you feel a connection with here, you can always request they become your friend and then you can use member to member e-mail for anything you want to talk about you'd prefer to keep as private as possible. I can't think of anyone here who wouldn't be willing to do that.


I think you see more of our problems here is because it's a safe place to vent. You aren't going to be bullied about anything here because we don't allow it. If you feel anyone of us has hurt you or be unfair, report us or call us on it. Really. We've had people wander in who think they can sell us a depression cure. We know it doesn't work that way.


 We lend each other support, caring, prayers, and love. It doesn't matter what religion you are here--Lap is a Buddhist and while I was raised an Episcopalian, I'm more of a Spiritualist now if anything. the lovely children I went from 1-8th grades with certainly didn't consider it as a real religion. I guess I'm simplistic in not believing any religious group that preaches hatred of others as being valid.


Thank you for sticking around. While we have mostly known each other for a few years, it isn't a closed family and you are certainly welcome to join in whenever you feel like it and you will be welcomed with open arms and no agenda.


It's easier to vent here sometimes that we don't want to say to our regullar families, spouses, bosses, etc because we'd hear about it for years to come if we did. So yes, some toxic waste rises up, just like other scum does. We get it out here and don't have it weighing on us as heavily.


I can think of over 20 people from different forums who have found their way to bnet when they needed it the most. I'm one of them and my first friends here meant the world to me. It can't be coicindental, but I'm grateful that it happened to me. I hope you get as much help here as I have.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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4 years ago  ::  Apr 16, 2011 - 8:47PM #6
Echo_of_me
Posts: 1,268
Thank you so very much Sally, Joyce and Karbie. I truly appreciate your having taken the time to read my post and write a response, and especially for your supportive words.

I have little time to myself this weekend, so I'll have to wait until the first of the week to respond in more detail.

Karbie, thank you for your kind offer of friendship, I gratefully accept.

Thank you all again.
Echo
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4 years ago  ::  Apr 18, 2011 - 5:29PM #7
Echo_of_me
Posts: 1,268
I read a book by Mr. Rogers in which he said, when he was young and was sad over the hurt in the world, his mother told him to look for the helpers in a situation. There are always more people helping than harming. Thank you all for being among those helping me to lift out of my depression.

I was shocked to find people striking out to hurt someone they don't even know, in service of their own agendas or unresolved personal issues. I am amazed to find people reaching out to help someone they don't even know, without any agenda at all.

Things are getting better as I make changes. This is my first experience with social networking that provides the kind of anonymity that can lead to questionable behavior. I was naive and unprepared.  Being a sensitive person, it is my responsibility to protect myself. There is a line in a Jewel song that goes, " I'm sensitive and want to stay this way." That's how I feel about it, which means I need to be selective. I am avoiding any person or conversation that is negative and hurtful to me. I have changed the privacy settings on my homepage and dropped friendships with unfriendly people so they can no longer send me messages. Taking steps to protect myself from bullying is healing and strengthening.

Between the love and support of my family, your compassion, and taking steps to better protect myself in this format, I'm feeling better, and my depression is lifting. Depression will likely always be a part of my life, yet as long as I stay vigilant and use the tools available to me, I will be OK.

Many Bright and Beautiful Blessings to you Sally, Joyce, and Karbie.
Echo
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4 years ago  ::  Apr 18, 2011 - 10:08PM #8
karbie
Posts: 3,329

Echo,


what I've come to know is the people here on the depression board do as well or better for me than going to a 'real' support group for many reasons. No one is hung up with how you look, what you drive, or which religious affiliation you are. best of all, I don't have to get dressed or leave the house to get help. It's true that many people on the overall site have a need to dominate by drivel.I've blocked them and discovered they were so busy spouting the same things --excuse me here-'religiously'-that they never even noticed. Record length for a single post was 23 pages, most of it off-topic and all of it repeating over and over that he was right and anyone not agreeing with him was an idiot.


I can get enough frustration in my day-to-day life I don't need to import it.


I'm glad you've decided to stick around--these are the best people I've found. and I include you.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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4 years ago  ::  Apr 19, 2011 - 11:34PM #9
JoyceB53
Posts: 2,370

23 pages?  Wow, I'm really impressed.  I don't think I could type 23 pages for a post...for a letter...for a book...for any reason at all!!  :)


Echo, one thing you'll probably notice here is that we seem to be different, and believe me, I mean different in a wonderful way.  We do reach out, we listen, we don't judge, and no matter what you post, probably somebody here can relate to it in some way.  We're good people, easy to get along with, and we all seem to have a great sense of humour...one thing you'll learn is that laughter, even at yourself, and sometimes especially at yourself, is a fantastic thing.


And I don't think I've told you, but if you want to go somewhere to scream, yell, holler, moan, groan, whine, bitch, complain, then check out The Padded Room.  It's on the page with all the other threads...scroll down until you find it.  You can say pretty much anything you want to in there, and nobody will say anything back to you unless you ask them to.  Can be very therapeutic, I think.

Today is the day that the Lord hath made; we shall rejoice and be glad in it.

---Psalm 118:24
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4 years ago  ::  Apr 20, 2011 - 4:53PM #10
Estacia
Posts: 2,209

Echo,


I have been on B net 3 years now. My observation has been that most of these boards are designed to tell one's story.


I have told bits and peices of mine throughout the three years.


You will be ready on your terms.


with understanding, Stacey

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