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4 years ago  ::  Jan 31, 2011 - 10:22PM #1
Amber
Posts: 1
Ok, where do i start with this...i'm a bit new.

I am in my late 20's, married, and have 2 wonderfull girls. I've been married for 6 yrs now, our first girl was born shortly before our first anniversary, she is now 5 . Our other daughter is 3 . My job is to stay home and raise my girls....here comes the problem...i allways seem to feel alone. It just seems like its me and them all day. My husband leaves for work before i wake up, and doesnt get home till 6 pm.  All my family lives min 80 min away, and i am not joking, i have no friends. I mean people seem friendly to me, but beyond talking if they seem me somewhere ,it ends there.  I've tried befriending my husbands friends, but even after 8 yrs i feel like an outsider.  I just dont know what to do. Im on facebook- no bites. Ive thought of volunteering, but cant seem to afford a babysitter.  Its come to the point where im begining to HATE my job ( i still love my girls), but staying home, alone i hate. All my husband says is just wait till the girls are in school, then you'll have all the time to do things, and i'm like, yeah if i dont loose all my nuts before then.

I've aldo tried taking classes to find some friends, but it just seems like all the other people are ( not to offend anyone) out of my age range.

Am i the only one who ever feels/ has felt this way? Maybe someone would have some encouraging words.Thank you in advance.
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4 years ago  ::  Feb 01, 2011 - 10:49PM #2
karbie
Posts: 3,329
Oh, boy do I know what you are going through. We found out that my husband was being transferred out of state just a few days before our son's first birthday. We had a brief party when he came home for a day the following week. Almost all of our families lived in the same town we did.Then when our baby was 15 months old, we moved to a very small town in Ohio where even one of the groceries were shut down on Sunday.I had to drive to one of the other towns just to have a place for him to run.Since I'm 10 years younger than my husband, all the other people were at the grandparent stage. My other problem is that those who were closer in age to me were heavy, heavy smokers.
I had to have surgery when he was 3. My in-laws came up the week I was in the hospital, and then his god-mother came up for 2 weeks until I was better. What saved my sanity was when I'd go back home with my son for a week or so and at least be around my family and in air conditioning again.We were in our present home for 5 years before we got central air. The only room with an air conditioner was one bedroom.We spent one Summer sleeping on an old sofa sleeper in the basement just to be able to rest at all.
Check out your area and see if there are any Moms Together Moms and tots, or Mothers Together groups in your area. While it only met once a week, those hours of paying for babysitting and talking to other adults helped us all because we were all dealing with the same problems.
  One of the most active forums is the Depression group--there are a bunch of people who have become friends and lifelines for each other.We don't just talk about being gloomy and sad things--many of us have a warped sense of humor.I have that, as well as a warped sense of seriousness. None of us judge each other it has made a huge difference in my life. Being depressed is not the same thing as being mentally ill.
When our bodies are under constant stress, the stress will change the chemical balance of the brain.Personally, I'd say that being a full-time Mom is as stressful as it gets. in your case, that's being on-call 24/7 x 2. I wanted a child very, very badly. I'd wanted children my whole life, especially when my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage due to a fall. I've been in chronic pain from that for about 30 years now. Had to wear a maternity back brace the whole time with my son and it was worth it. He's been married for a year now and will graduate this May with a double major.Our son calls us more than I expected. We love his wife and her family has been wonderful to us as well as our son.
  My son had severe physical problems and I home schooled him for 3 years. during that time, the 2 good friends I had stepped out of our lives because he was supposed to stay away not just from cats and dogs, but from people who owned them. both smoked and both had multi-pet families. the allergy series worked well enough that now they have a kitten. I sure appreciated the people who wrote to me after we moved. It pretty much ruined my health, but at the time I accepted it as a fair exchange for him.
Is there a library near you that has programs for kids? that was a God-send. His first friend here and best friend came because first they were in a Parks department program and then a Vacation Bible School class that reinforced it.For the very first time I had someone who kept my child while I went to the dentist. I will admit I sat and wept a moment just because it had been so long since I had a friend. I think you are probably one of the people who understands what that had meant to me.
  Some of the women have young children over at the Depression group--the best place to sort out who some of the people are there is a thread called The Front Desk. I can promise that you will be welcomed over there. that was where I was headed when I thought I should see if there was anyone on another support group who needed to know someone had seen their post. You aren't alone in this. If you don't like that group, I'll still come back to check on you.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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4 years ago  ::  Feb 03, 2011 - 6:58PM #3
Beautiful_Dreamer
Posts: 5,171
I'm not a mom yet, but God willing I will be one and I understand depression from being home alone all day. Have you ever looked at Meetup.com? You might be able to find some of the play-date groups that karbie was talking about.

**hug** if that's okay.
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4 years ago  ::  Feb 04, 2011 - 11:10AM #4
karbie
Posts: 3,329
That's a wonderful idea! I'm not on facebook or twitter--something that drives my son crazy. It's combination of having his grandmother on it and being a Computer Science major. I'm just cautious of how much time I'll be on the computer.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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4 years ago  ::  Feb 06, 2011 - 1:19AM #5
BlueAngel999
Posts: 5
Dear Amber, 

You are never alone. You are with you. 

There is a part of you waiting/ wanting to grow that is separate from your roles as wife, mother or friend. 

Try finding some part of each day to begin keeping a journal.  (The fact that you wrote this post is a good indication...)  Record your night dreams if you can remember images; even one or two images will help.  If  you don't remember your dreams, don't worry about it, now. Just record what you are thinking and feeling at the moment in your journal.  The writing process brings discovery.  If you can write in silence for a few minutes every day, it will be very helpful.  

Read a new e-book, Promise: Inspirational Fantasies by Jeannette Drake. Play with the author's questions in the appendix.  There are no right or wrong answers.  Your answers will come as you begin to discover new parts of yourself.   Your current sense of lonliness may be a signal of your many creative gifts.  Begin writing down your thoughts everyday.   My best wishes to you.
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4 years ago  ::  Feb 07, 2011 - 1:13AM #6
karbie
Posts: 3,329
Dear Amber,
 One of the speakers at group told us that we all need 20 minutes of "me' time a day to stay sane. For me that was an uninterrupted bath or a little reading while my husband and son had their own special time. whether it was playing a game or being read to and cuddled, it was great for both of them. I'd think this would work well for your girls, too.
Hope this helps.
 I didn't keep a journal then because of an episode my sister had. Her blood pressure went screwy, and all she could think of in the ambulance was how horrible it would be if the journals she kept at work were given to her husband if something happened to her. She went back to work, and they went through the shredder there.
I'd imagine that the questions from the e-book would be a lot more focussed and less crazy that your life is now. I think the dream journal is a great idea--many writers use them for the material that synthesizes in odd ways in our dreams.
When your oldest girl starts school, you'll meet a lot of moms, and you can bring your youngest along on a lot of things. When I was a room mom, I always made extra so that any younger kids got their own cookie or whatever...admittedly , it was after seeing a younger child cry because everyone else got something. After that, I did the baking.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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