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Switch to Forum Live View Missing my mama so very much...
3 years ago  ::  Dec 15, 2010 - 7:49PM #1
HulaGirlAtHeart
Posts: 1

Hi there,


This is my first post here. I am just looking to "vent" a bit I guess.  My mom passed away very suddenly two weeks ago. She was only 47 years old and I am only 26. I still really need my mom.


This is my first major loss of any family member. My great-grandma died when I was 12 but we weren't all that close. I am not sure if I am dealing properly. I guess I'll start with a little background on her passing...


For the past 6 months or so, I had been begging my mom daily to get an MRI. I just had this weird nagging feeling that wouldn't go away. Something was wrong. My intuition told me.  She had been having these "episodes." She would be talking normally and all of the sudden would for lack of a better word, black-out. I had seen this several times. Once in my kitchen. My boyfriends family was in town and I invited her over to hang out with us and have a big cookout this summer. She came and brought a watermelon. All of James' family was in the backyard but she wouldn't go out. Over the past few years, she had developed social anxiety. Anyway, I was just as happy to have her in the kitchen to talk to while I cooked. I had on a new dress. Over the course of five minutes she asked me THREE times if my dress was new and where I bought it. James and I looked at each other and I asked her if she was ok. The next day, I had a long talk with her about how worried I was and she told me she felt like she was having an anxiety attack. She has a history of those. So I chalked it up to that (although it kept nagging at me).


Several months later, she lost her job. That day, she met me at the hospital I work at and I took her to lunch. When we returned to her truck we sat in the car and talked a bit. During the conversation, she suddenly said she didn't feel good and once again "blacked-out". Her eyes changed and she was unresponsive to anything I said for a good 2 or 3 mins. I got out of the car (sobbing hysterically) and literally tried to drag her into the ER when she finally came to.  She became violent and made it perfectly clear that she was NOT going. I spent HOURS crying and begging her to please go in with me. Everytime I tried to go get help or call for help she would threaten to get in her truck and drive off. I didn't want that either. She promised me she would talk to her doctor about it at her next appointment a week away. I settled for that.


She did indeed talk to her doctor and he told her it was stress. I wasn't happy with this and continued to nag her about an MRI. She refused and one-day told me if I didn't stop she was going to have to quit talking to me for a while. She told me she couldnt take the constant nagging. I only nagged because I love(d) her...


Two weeks ago tomorrow, I was at work and my grandmother called me at 8 pm. She wanted to know if I had heard from my mom. She had talked to her at noon and my mom told her she would be coming over at 2 oclock. My grandparents tried calling and calling and got no response which was VERY strange. I left work to go check on her. I figured she had fallen asleep or had a friend over or whatever. When I went in her house her phone was still out, purse was still there but she was nowhere to be found. I checked the bathroom. The door was closed and locked. My mother lives alone and NEVER locked the bathroom door. I called out for her--nothing. I tried breaking the door down. Kicking it. Hitting the knob with a wrench. Nothing. I called 911. While waiting for the police, I also called James (my boyfriend of 4 years). He is a paramedic. He arrived about two minutes after the police and was the first medical professional on scene. He had to tell me my mom was dead. She had an undiagnosed brain tumor that killed her.


Hindsight is always twenty-twenty, right? Aside from the "episodes," there were other signs. I didnt recognize them as signs though. She had been depressed for the past few years and had high anxiety. I attributed this to her job. She had become irrational in her behavior. Angry for the silliest reasons. Her eyesite was going. She had been going blind in the mornings for 20 mins or so (this was another reason I begged for an MRI but her doctor told her it was the onset of diabetes. She had an appointment for an optimitrist the day after she died--he would have been able to recognize the seriousness and tell her it wasn't her eyes and hopefully refer her out). Her memory had gone. With me it was always short-term memory so I thought she just wasnt listening. My grandparents have since told me that she was forgetting big, important things--like what happened to our dog Summer. Summer was hit by a car and killed 10 years ago. My mom and I had just talked about it a month ago. But when she talked to my grandma she had to ask what happened. She remembered nothing about it.


Anyway...I'm full of guilt. I shouldn't have accepted her doctors answers. I KNEW she had a brain tumor. Back in July I cried to James telling him I just knew she had one. Everyone told me I was the crazy one--that her doctor had explained her behavior. But I KNEW. I could have done more. I should have called him and demanded he recheck her. I should have dragged her into the ER that day no matter how much she struggled. I should have...


I am an only child. My father has never really been in the picture since they divorced when I was three (although now he is using this as an excuse to contact me). I am lost. I am surrounded by some of the greatest people in the world and have never in my whole life felt so lonely. I don't know what to do. I just went back to work Monday. Its hard for me to realize that "life goes on" when I feel like the world has stopped. I go from being okay to hysterical in seconds flat. The only member of my family to contact me since the funeral is my Uncle Dan. He calls me daily to check on me but thats it. My grandparents and I have always been extremely close. I feel like they don't want me anymore--maybe I remind them to much of her. I don't feel like I have any real connection to my family anymore. My mom was the tie to them--now she's gone. My friends were so great the first week but now I feel like I am burdening them.


I know this has ended up SOOOOO long. I am sorry. It just felt good to write it all out...

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3 years ago  ::  Dec 16, 2010 - 4:13AM #2
karbie
Posts: 3,300

Don't worry about long posts--mine are usually mammoth. I lost my father 2 weeks past his 47th birthday. He had a picture taken of him 4 days before that looked like he was the picture of health. I was 19 and this was my first real loss. The guilt I felt over it was bad enough at the time and worse a year later. My first marriage was on January 5th. Daddy was so sick he couldn't even go to the rehearsal. He had a major heart attack-his 3rd--on January 7th. My sister and I were both told not to come home because the stress from seeing us would kill him. After that heart attack, every moment was on borrowed time.


Our doctor and dentist co-owned the building. While I was getting stitches out at the dentist. the doctor told Daddy that he was about to have a heart attack and needed to go home and call Mother to take him to the hospital. He came out, looked me in the eye and said "The doctor said my heart was down and I was improving."


We had planned on getting married on New Year's Eve and Daddy had begged us to wait because he had to be able to claim me on taxes that year. The pnuemonia that started the process was from me...I got it and gave it to Mother. We both had double pneumonia and Daddy didn't cook. We ended up at my maternal grandparents so Grandma  could take care of us.


My consolation was that my sister had come from Hawaii for the wedding and we got a final Christmas together as a family. Now as guilty as I felt over him killing himself to walk me down the aisle, when that marriage blew up in a little over a year that guilt became "He killed himself--and for what?" I hadn't learned yet that the friend who was staying with us happened to be his mistress by then.


Here's what I've learned; that guilt is corrosive and will eat you up inside. Watching my grandparents bury their last child...I wasn't trying to edge my sister out, but they looked ready to fall down and I went to hold them up. I learned later that Grandma hadn't gotten any sleep or comfort the night before because my aunt was having hysterics all night and Grandma had to comfort her. (Auntie told Mother at the grave that she could always get another husband, but she'd never get another nephew.) I also learned that my wedding was only part of why Daddy had lied about it; he'd used up all of his sick time, vacation days, personal days, and annual leave. If he could just make it to January 1st he had a whole  year's leave to draw on. Then it was just 4 days...


The doctor asked Mother why she hadn't called them or taken him to the hospital that day. But that works both ways--why hadn't they called Mother? The doctor really grieved for my father.When Mother finally got a chec from the insurance company and asked how much she owed them on Daddy....and all they told her was that it was taken care of. Wouldn't take so much as a dime. they donated memorial trees in Israel for him.


What happened to your mother isn't your fault. If anything, you were the only person trying to get your mother help. With a brain tumor so large it would have been difficult to remove and your mother would have to undergo surgery, chemo therapy, and probably radiation treatments as well. My husband' Mom had to undergo radiation treatments for breast cancer.And the people who were on both were dropping weight  practically every visit.


Your mother might have been having mini strokes as the tumor grew. You couldn't have done any more than you did. You did more than everyone else. Remember that. But remember that it might have just made your mother go through extra pain and that the areas she had lost--short term and long term memories-probably were gone forever because the tumor would have destroyed them. Be proud that you were a loving,caring daughter for her. You battled her, and stood up for her. I don't think she would have been happier with that much brain loss, do you? Sometimes letting go is the hardest part of love.


Love survives death. Once your Mom was removed from her body she was able to see just how hard you tried. I was afraid of death when my father died. But when his father died he gave me a final gift. I was home alone and was suddenly wrapped completely around by love. It was like getting a head to toe  hug from Grandpa. I got the call about him dying 150 miles away about 10 minutes later. I haven't been afraid since because he showed me that who we are and who we love survives.


I can't write more at the moment because I'm almost asleep but saw your post and wanted you to know that you had made contact with someone. You'll be in my prayers.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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3 years ago  ::  Jan 15, 2011 - 3:17AM #3
tristan36
Posts: 1

Im so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother . I can't  imagine. I believe you are a great daughter for seeking help for your mother. I believe if you look to god he will help and comfort you . i have recently loss my daughter . At  this moment im still searching for answers it breaks my heart. i cant go into detail . because at this time i dont even have an answer and i guess im having hard time accepting what has happened. i spend days searching for answers as her mother i would like to know.  I love her with all my heart . i spend days looking at her pictures praying and crying, not able to talk , i was in shock and at times my heart hurts so bad. i cant  imagine life  without her. i cant even leave the house. So im seeking god to help me and i have no one . i mean i have friends but i dont want to bother them im trying to be strong. really im alone crying and praying. i believe i need god . i  want to understand his reasons . I pray you find peace with the loss of your mother in time you will understand her reasons. i had a father that died of a brain tumor and he didnt tell us because he didnt want to do the surgery . he ended up in a coma and we had to turn the machine off . i held his hand as he left . it hurt me it took me months to get over the way he left us.   well wish me luck with answers on my daughter. im having sleepless nights.. i miss my princess.. no one really understands until they lose someone they love . ive always been strong but this time im not able to ... praying helps..  i hope over time i will understand all of this.

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3 years ago  ::  Jan 16, 2011 - 5:43AM #4
karbie
Posts: 3,300

I know that the moment your daughter was born , she was instantly your Princess and you promised yourself and her that you would protect her. The only thing you couldn't do was keep her here when her time here was up. You were spared at least needing to turn things off. Her death is a shock to her friends as well and many of them are probably taking a hard look at their lives  and all the things they planned to get resolved later instead of now. The one blessing of the internet is that there are usually people around somewhere.


Remember that when you pray to God, you are also allowed to express how you feel. If King David could write psalms asking God why he was so far off, wasn't around when he needed God the most, and wept bitter tears over the loss of Absolem even though his son tried to seize the throne, you can tell God how much pain you and your wife are in and ask for strength. I know that my Grandpa spent a lot of time in his workshop after Daddy died so he could let go and cry. Of all the people I've lost, Grandpa was the one who helped me get over my fear of death right after he died. I was upstairs and was suddenly wrapped around in wave of love that was the way Grandpa felt to me. I got the call telling me he had died 150 miles away about 10 minutes later. Who we are, our personalities, and the love we feel for people--that doesn't stop when our bodies do.


Let your friends be there for you. I'm sure you've heard them say "Call us if we can do anything"; they'll be afraid that they'll catch you at a bad moment, or aren't sure what to say and feel awkward about it. Then they feel guilty for not doing something, feel more awkward as time goes by, and it gets strained for all of them. If all you do is meet for a cup of coffee, it allows them to be there for you and even share stories about your daughter. After all, I'm sure that many of them loved her as well.


All I can say is that the pain will go from being white-hot, down to searing, and not every-single-minute. Just dealing with the physical loss is bad enough. Or as a friend told my sister-in-law--"I'm just dead. I'm not gone.' Your daughter is in the one place she can never be hurt again. Every day of your life brings you closer to the time you and your wife will be with her forever.Thank God that you have each other to hold on to. If you need antidepressants, or to see a grief counselor, do it.


I saw a psychiatrist for several months trying to cope with being in physical pain from injuries not going away, and the fact the injuries that hurt physically had also made me miscarry my first pregnancy after being married for years. The first visit I basically just cried because I could finally cry without holding back. I knew how much it upset my husband and my Mother when I cried about it, so I tried to keep it in.  When I said something on the 3rd visit about what a relief it was to not worry about anyone being upset about it, he told me it did bother him.


Anti-depressants at a time like this actually mean that you are strong enough to function  a little. Stress--from physical and emotional pain and chronic pain--can actually alter the chemistry of your brain. I've seen the CAT scans of a normal person and a depressed person and was shocked to see how dramatic the difference is. Depression causes a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be helped--no one expects a diabetic to give up insulin.


My Grandma lived to be over 100. When I saw her at 99, she was very depressed and was losing weight she didn't have to spare. I'm not a doctor. I wasn't the first person to mention anti-depressants to her. Sshe had just lost a dear friend to a struggle with cancer.When Grandma said she couldn't understand how she could cope with things before and didn't know why she had so much trouble , I told her that she hadn't been in constant pain before. I had several family members tell me she wouldn't have made it to 100 without them. I was with her when she died. And I still cry because I still miss her.


the thing is we expect to lose our older relatives, but not our children. I got a gift from God and we had a son several years after I was told I might never be able to carry a child  to term. (Another reason I was so depressed.)


Later on look for calls where no one is there, small items have been moved, or even hearing a song that she liked or that reminds you of times with her. I originally hadn't planned to go on line tonight. I knew I had a letter to a friend to finish on another server.Normally, I would have checked in on my group at Depression support, but decided to check all the support groups and saw a grief post. Put all of that together, and it feels to me that your daughter wanted to have someone hear you and help out.


You can send the love you've always had for her to her still. She'll know.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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