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Switch to Forum Live View Letting Go and letting go of Guilt
4 years ago  ::  Nov 30, 2010 - 7:53AM #1
Reasonequine
Posts: 8

Hi All, Please if anyone has any tips on what has been helpful to them on letting go of guilt, I would love to hear them. Also , any ideas of letting go of people who are know longer beneficial to our lives and letting go of our anger toward them. I would appreciate any advice. Be Well!!!

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 02, 2010 - 12:24AM #2
karbie
Posts: 3,329

Hi reasonequine,


I'm glad you posted with us. I gaave up counting how many people find their way to beliefnet when they need it the most a few years ago. I'v found some of the most caring, supportive people I've ever met on this forum. Check out the Front Desk sometime for a sort of overview of part of the group.


Things that we blame ourselves over and feel guilty about  are double whammies. I blamed myself for my father's death for years. He was so sick that he couldn't even make it to the rehearsal for my first wedding and was in the hospital with his 3rd heart attack just 3 days later. Neither my sister or I were allowed to go back to our home town while he was in the hospital because the added stress would have killed him. He died 2 weeks after his 47th birthday. If I had thought it was my fault about the wedding, it was 100% worse when the marriage tanked. then it  became my father killing himself to be there for a marriage that only lasted a little over a year. As it turned out, I was so blind I didn't realize the "friend" who had moved in was his mistress.


My father knew he was about to have a heart attack; the doctor had told him to call Mother and go straight to the hospital. He lied to me, and to Mother when he told us the doctor said that his heart was less congested and he was getting better. I was 18; it never occurred to me to doubt him. And this was more than a week before I got married. Ultimately he gambled his life.


It took me years of blaming myself to find out no one else was blaming me over it. He'd used up all of his vacation days, sick days, and annual leave days for that year. If he could hold on until January 1st, he would have had benefits to draw on again. After that 3rd heart attack it was all borrowed time. I didn't know that part of it.


Holding on to blame, anger, and guilt is literally a "triple threat" to your health because they are all toxic emotions. You don't need to have been in a war to get Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after you've been dealing with prolonged stress in your life. Being in a situation where you have to deal with toxic people or long term stress really can make you sick. Prolonged stress can lead to clinical depression. The chemical balance of the brain is changed and that's where antidepressants can help. A diabetic uses insulin to restore ballance and no one thinks it's all in their head.


I still have things dredge themselves up about the past, but it's more about things that were done to me and less about things I've done myself. I don't mean I give myself a pass; I can't change the past. I can't undo my mistakes or anyone else's. Beating myself up emotionally over it or leting someone else do it for me doesn't help today be any better. Some people have taken more space in my brain and my life than they deserve.


Here's one of the best pieces of advice I ever got for dealing with anger. It certainly helps when you are dealing with idiots. When you are saying or thinking "BITCH!! BASTARD!!!" your blood pressure automatically goes up. Try substituting the word "Fluffy" or a variation of it. It's hard to stay mad at a Fluffy. For me that's a picture of a soft brainless kitten. This does work. I brought it up when there were over 10 of us waiting to pick up prescriptions because the pharmacy was arguing with an insurance company. It went from an angry bunch to people cracking up because everyone knows a Fluffy.


I finally realized that my own anger in dealing with trying to get things straightened out between our insurance and especially the Customer Service people with the hospital came from jealousy. I've never had a job where you could screw up so badly and still have a job. I don't know a single person who has ever had that easy a ride....and if I'm the one doing their job I want the money for it. That and sheer frustration.


All I ask as you distance people you used to have more in common with is to not just aabruptly stop answering phone calls, mail, etc without at least something as simple as "that part of my life is over and the reminders that seeing you brings up hurts." I had someone who was my first friend after we'd moved here do that to me after our sons had been best friends at one point. It would have been nice to have at least rated more than being dropped.I wouldn't have kept bothering her; it would give me closure just to know why. I still wish her and her son well whether we ever speak again or not.


the other thing that helps me cope is humor because the only people we can really change is ourselves and our kids.


And for the more of less usual welcome around here--I'm glad that you found us and sorry that you needed to. Don't worry--no one else posts novels like i do.



"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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4 years ago  ::  Dec 02, 2010 - 4:37PM #3
JoyceB53
Posts: 2,378

Reason, I'm glad to meet you.  Karbie said all I would say about the board, so I'm not going to repeat it, just agree with it.  Post with us on The Front Desk and don't forget to check out the Newcomer's Corner.  And, just for the record, I love it here.  There's just something about this forum that really makes me feel good.  It's usually the first place I go when I come online.  Welcome.


My only way to get over guilt feelings is to realize that I'm probably not going to get over them.  Mine are all because of my children, and the things I did/didn't do when they were little...and no, I'm not going to share any of that right now.  Maybe some other time.  What I have to tell myself, and I do, is that what I did/didn't do is in the past, and there is not one single thing i can do about it now.  Therefore, let it go.  My way of letting go is to just force myself to start thinking about something else, and to realize that, in spite of everything, my son loves me with all his heart...which is probably more than I deserve.  I think my younger son would love me, too, but sadly, he died at the age of 24 in October of '98.  And of course I have guilt feelings about that, too, but I think most parents of deceased children deal with that, not just me.


The most important thing to remember, or at least I think so, is that what's done, well, it's done.  It's over.  Move on.  Let it go.  Train yourself to move away from the negative thoughts, and go on to something happier.


Stay with us, keep posting, ok?  God bless.   And btw, I don't always write novels like Karbie, but I do a lot of novelettes, lol.  You can, too, if you want to...feel free.

Today is the day that the Lord hath made; we shall rejoice and be glad in it.

---Psalm 118:24
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4 years ago  ::  Dec 03, 2010 - 6:28AM #4
Reasonequine
Posts: 8

Thank you both so much for your encouraging words , they are appreciated more than you know. I can not begin to tell you the events that have happened in my life in the last two years but all these things that have happened have in some way brought me closer to who I really am. I do not want to be a victim, I want to take these experiences and what I have learned from them and move on. However, I still feel traumatized and am constantly waiting for the "what next?' In my heart I know that I had to go through these things in order to grow and learn, but I am stuck reliving alot of them daily. I do not know how to forgive myself even though I am proud of how I handled some of the things that happened. I know that I can not change anything I did in the past only what I do now and from now on. One thing that I will mention is that I was betrayed by a group of people that I thought were my friends during a time in my life that could only be described as horrific. I am angry at these people and can not let it go even though I no longer have contact with them. With one of them particulary I just want them to take ownership of how much they hurt me. How the ripple effects of this betrayal affected so many areas of my life and the things that are important to me. This is ridiculous because every time I relive it , I am "picking a scab" and only hurting myself. I fully realize that you can not make others feel what you want them to but I still want them to just accept their part in the betrayal. This is one area that I need to just let go and say "good riddance"!!! The funny and ironic thing is that it is definitely more beneficial to me and my growth as a person not to have these people in my life. Their friendship was an illusion that actually caused me more harm than good. I know this,  so where is the problem?? I am stuck even though I know that everything happens for a reason. I just want to stop being angry at them and be grateful they are outta here LOL!! This situation is actually quite minor compared to some of the other things that happened however it is the one I am most angry about, Go Figure!!! I am happy to have found this group and will keep posting. Again, I appreciate the feedback and am looking forward to more!! PEACE!!!

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 15, 2010 - 9:40AM #5
lovecatt
Posts: 6

Letting go of guilt.


There is a natural guilt and an artificial guilt.  Natural guilt occurs when something happens that is seemingly out of our "control", eg an animal running in front of your car.  Our intent was not to hit the animal, on some level it was unavoidable.  That is natural.  Affirming the basic truth that everything happens for a reason, in the bigger picture there may be a hidden significance for this event.


However the artificial guilt occurs when we take on the responsibility for something that is not our responsibility.   The truth is, our only responsibility is to our own emotional well being - to love self.  It is not our actions or words that hurt others ... we are hurt by what we believe about the actions.  What we make it mean.  Often it is the identification at the individual level that creates pain and turmoil in our lives.  It is part of the human condition.  The wonderful news is that we can change our beliefs.  By listening to your feelings, you will be guided to the belief that is causing such emotional pain.


There are circumstances in life that will create a natural guilt and and artificial guilt... a little more challenging.  In the event that a pregnancy needs to be terminated, both guilts will be felt.  We all have freedom of choice ... one might argue that the unborn child didn't have a choice... that would be incorrect.  As soul we all have the freedom to choose.  Younger souls will often choose a brief incarnation to experience the physical reality, these choices are always agreed upon before we go through the veil and forget our true nature as soul. We all have specific lessons preplanned for the life time ... thats not to say that how it will unfold is prechosen, just that lesson itself :)  Everything that happens in this life, is about growth and learning and the emotional evolvement of the soul.  There truly is no Right or Wrong ... only growth and learning.  As there are no seperations within the self, we are all the same self and growth and learning is always shared.  There truly are no victims, just challenging growth.


If it is not Love it is not Truth :) 

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 20, 2010 - 4:49PM #6
karbie
Posts: 3,329

As long as my posts are, saying I forgot to say something sounds unreal--but is a huge step.


When I had been through something very traumatic, every time I thought about it or talked about it was like a flashback, where I experienced all the emotions and relived the pain in glorious Technicolor. I had to learn to tell the event but not experience it as well. It doesn't mean that you are over it but it does give you a level of protection. Think of it like those old Pepto-Bismal commercials when they showed it coating your stomach lining in that putrid pink color.


Or consider yourself in a bubble like the one Glinda uses in The Wizard of Oz. The bubble visualization also works in imagining yourself bathed in the white light of the Holy Spirit to protect you from evil or harm.


I'm very sorry that you were betrayed, but give this a thought...how many of those people can trust each other after the hatchet job they did on you? You are past them and I can't think of anything more fitting than all the worrying they have to do about who will be the next target. Especially since you aren't on the menu any more.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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4 years ago  ::  Mar 03, 2011 - 5:09PM #7
Bob_Bennett
Posts: 916

You might try studying some esoteric books which champion the idea of letting go of guilt, such as "The Way of Mastery".  It's expensive and time consuming.


For a lot less money and far more time consuming, try "A Course in Miracles".  While it is a maximus spiritual path, it also gets rid of guilt in the course of studying it, usually in study groups.


 

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3 years ago  ::  Jun 28, 2011 - 8:18AM #8
Lynn
Posts: 2

Guilt and shame will kill us.


 


It is very hard to let go. I have had alot of betrayl in my life time. I learned that by my reaction to it was the key. If I was angry and played things over and over in my head. I became sick, and toxic. I learned that seeing the other person or situation for what it truly was helped me.


My ex husband had a girl friend for five years. I lost my house, my credit, he threw away my personal belongings and got a bogus restraining order to get me out my home. I lost a 25yo marriage. While going to court, I lost my mother to cancer. For two years, I lived in a toxic mind. I realized that what he did had nothing to do with me, but it was him that was ill.  With a therapist, I walked the journey into forgiving him for his hurting me. He lived a life of greed, intolerance and ego. I learned I don't have to live that life!


Believe you me; forgiving him and loving him, being grateful that I have children with him was the hardest thing. I learned that accepting my situation, even thou I don't like it has freed me.


I have let family members go because they were toxic as well. I have the right to pick and choose who is in my life. It is my journey.


I life in the day, dream about tomorrow. I never go back in time unless it is a good memory.


Life everything, it takes practice. I have my days.


I wish you serenity..


Lynn

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3 years ago  ::  Jul 01, 2011 - 10:26AM #9
Estacia
Posts: 2,209

Lynn,


I'm so sorry to hear what had happended to you. I had to start over a few times in my lifetime too. My uncle once told me " Even if it costs someone a Million bucks to get out of a bad/abusive relationship, PAY IT! IT'S worth it for your life!!" , as you already know most don't have that kind of money but his point was... what ever it takes.


I have FINALLY been able to let go trashbag loads of guilt! Praise God!


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3 years ago  ::  Jul 08, 2011 - 9:44AM #10
changeforgood2011
Posts: 4

I have had a life changing experience in the past year. That involved some people who were very close to me, some of these people are no longer in my life. I am still struggling daily with the death of a person close to me and the loss of two close relationships. I sought out professional therapy and it is helping but I feel that progress is sloooooooowww. I feel like im in a constant subconscious state. Never engaging in conversation just filtering through conversations that are going on around me, find it very hard to focus at work because Im always thinking about the relationship that went wrong- and who did what. I know that I need to let go and move on ,but just the thought of letting go of a failed relationship that I wanted so badly makes the sadness even harder. I know I need to start anew, but Im unsure of how and what im suppose to be doing , to make that happen - Im just here - sitting thinking about the pain instead of trying to feel better about myself. I want to love myself but find it very hard to do.

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