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Switch to Forum Live View Letting Go and letting go of Guilt
7 years ago  ::  Jul 08, 2011 - 9:54AM #11
Posts: 4

Jul 1, 2011 -- 10:26AM, Estacia wrote:


I'm so sorry to hear what had happended to you. I had to start over a few times in my lifetime too. My uncle once told me " Even if it costs someone a Million bucks to get out of a bad/abusive relationship, PAY IT! IT'S worth it for your life!!" , as you already know most don't have that kind of money but his point was... what ever it takes.

I have FINALLY been able to let go trashbag loads of guilt! Praise God!

Thank you - ......... I wonder can this relationship ever be salvaged??


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7 years ago  ::  Aug 14, 2011 - 11:46AM #12
Posts: 3

Letting Go

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. If I find some person, thing, or situation as not being what I think it should be, I am creating my own discontent. I have spent a lifetime doing this to myself! I walked around feeling bewildered and confused.

Practicing this Acceptance theory is not easy at first. I had to "practice" it daily and I did not always do it right LOL...However I finally did have a breakthrough!

I needed to learn that I am not the Master of the Universe and I cannot change people places or things. But if I looked to "what was right" in my life I was soooooo much happier.

Hope this helps . Remember it is only a practice, we do not perfect it, we must day by day practice or we fall into the funky state again.

Very Sincerely

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7 years ago  ::  Nov 07, 2011 - 8:43PM #13
Posts: 1

Hi, (Sorry for the long post)
I'm in need of a way to forgive myself for how I let the choices i made while depressed lead to the demise of my relationship with my boyfriend, who i had planned on marrying.

How do you forgive yourself when you believe that you have just ruined your chances with the one person you wanted to spend your life with, and it seems like your fault because you didn't foresee the ending of the relationship if you kept repeating the same patterns?

When we met 1 year and 7 months ago, i was fairly happy and working full-time. We fell in love, and he believed early on that i was the love of his life, and we began talking about our future together - he had his eyes set on buying his first house near my family (with whom i currently live) in the next year, with the intention of me moving in with him shortly after. He was the best man i had ever been with and I knew he would be a great husband. We spoke often about our plans together for the future.

However, our relationship ended up having its challenges for the past year. About 7 months into the relationship, i fell into a depression because i had a lot of difficulty replacing my previous job and had not been working for months. That was the beginning of a year of depression for me. During the past year, I have alternated between being periods of feeling good and bouts of depression. During those episodes, i ended up quitting the jobs I had because i would become too overwhelmed and depressed (i know now that those were bad decisions).
He tried his best to understand and offer his love and support, even though my behaviour was straining and frustrating him.
He spent most of his spare time with me, taking me out, trying the best he knew how to help me feel better, but 4 or 5 times he ended up breaking up with me (ranging from 1-5 days) because he felt nothing he was doing was enough for me to get better, and he could not see me an equal partner if we ended up getting married. We would always get back together, because we both loved one another deeply and were optimistic that we would both work harder at overcoming our problems. He had never known anyone else who suffered from clinical depression, and he never could understand it - he mistakenly expected his love and support to be enough to get me through it.

Finally, several weeks after i fell into another depression following a traumatic and painful falling out with my best friend, I quit my most recent job. He had viewed this new job as our opportunity to finally move forward in our relationship, and this would be the first step in building a future together, after him feeling like our relationship was stalled the entire time i was unstable with my jobs. He would now start to save up for an engagement ring. I knew if i quit this job for any reason, he would call it quits for good. But when i experienced that traumatic falling out with my best friend a week after starting my new job, I let myself become so overwhelmed, guilty, depressed, anxious, and stressed that I felt i had no choice but to quit in order to ease my mental and emotional anguish.

That was the final straw for him. I lost the person I thought i would marry and spend the rest of my life with.

I can't stop blaming myself for not seeing the writing on the wall, that he had given very clear signs that he was burnt out (the 4 previous times we had briefly broken up), and yet i was so depressed and blind to think I still had time to show him i could get better and hold down a job. Amidst my depression and anxiety, I believed i couldn't cope anymore and had to quit my job. I made yet another bad decision.

I had always resisted getting professional therapy (other than medication) because I was afraid of getting judged and being told that it was my fault for being depressed. Now i regret not getting help sooner, but it is already too late to save our relationship.

Why did it take me losing him for good to realize i need to take control and seek counseling/therapy to overcome my depression?

Why were our previous 4 break-ups not enough to show me that I was close to losing him forever?

How do i stop blaming myself for taking him for granted and not seeing that i was going to lose him? I put him through so much and feel like i betrayed his faith in me. I know that when i'm depressed, i can't give much of myself because i'm in so much pain. But i still hate myself for not seeing that i had to try harder in order to save our relationship.

The regret is killing me inside.

Has anyone gone through something similar? How did you come to let go of the self-blame and regret?  How to overcome the fear that you might not ever find anyone as good as the one you've lost?

I'd appreciate any helpful advice,

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7 years ago  ::  Nov 12, 2011 - 10:35PM #14
Posts: 3,329


I hope that you are getting therapy, because it sounds like you may be either bi-polar or obsessive/compulsive to me. And yes, therapy and the right medication and mental exercises can help you get a more even life. I didn't realize that my son's drive for perfection was a bad thing. When I was growing up, you were supposed to strive for perfection in everything you did. In my son's case, he didn't want to turn in anything that wasn't perfect...we eventually got the idea across  that getting a B was better than getting a zero. It was exhausting sometimes, but we did get him help.

Having a fight with a friend isn't worth losing a job, but when you are dealing with a chemical imbalance it isn't easy to put together. Clinical depression isn't something you can be talked out of, or loved out of. Prolonged stress--which never knowing how you will be from day to day provides-creates a chemical imbalance in the brain. You wouldn't tell a diabetic to "Cheer up!" and expect it to take the place of an insulin shot, would you? You need to find out what is causing these emotional swings.

You've looked back and seen a pattern--that will be helpful to getting a handle on things sooner. I don't know what will happen with your boyfriend, but it sounds like a combination of burn-out and frustration that his love isn't enough to fix you. I think that when you achieve a balance and hold it for several months along with holding a job, there might still be a chance if he's the man you are supposed to end up with. Just having a real diagnosis, a real cause for what has been happening to you might give him some relief as well.

Any friend who knows how easy it is to push you off-balance shouldn't have started a fight your first week on the job. With your next job, whatever that may be, try to focus on just the job during working hours. If it is too difficult to work at the same job every day, sign up with a temporary agency. (I know that at one job, I even broke down how much a minute it was.) We were told that we were supposed to leave our problems at home and go back to them on our own time. It sounds harsh, but it can be like a sanctuary at times. When you are there, it is a time apart from the rest of your life and every hour you work is a step toward getting better.

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain right now.Your boyfriend doesn't sound like the type of man who could dismiss you out of his life if he knew what the actual reasons for your moods was. that it wasn't a lack of love on either of your parts, but a physical imbalance that can respond to treatment. Many  doctors and clinics have sliding scales for payment for those who need help but can't afford it. Odd as it may sound, the delightful woman our son married is also o/c. they balance each other out--she can sense when he's going in that direction and he can do the same for her. they dated for almost 2 years before getting married.

You can check in at the Front Desk thread to see what more of the people here are lie. This is a very supportive, non-judgmental group of people here and we vary with what causes our depressions, but we try to help each other muddle through. So many of us have found our way to beliefnet when we needed help the most it can't just be chance. I'm sorry that you need us, but I can promise you that you are very welcome with all of us. You aren't in this alone--I'm glad that your family has your back. these people are my electronic family.Good luck.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 15, 2011 - 8:30AM #15
Posts: 3,065

Good advice, Karbie.

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