Post Reply
Switch to Forum Live View This sucks so bad.....can you relate?
4 years ago  ::  Jul 30, 2010 - 2:17PM #1
inthemidstwest
Posts: 136

Hi everyone.


I'm faced with having to distance myself from someone I care about due to them not  understanding 'limitations', for lack of a better word.


 


Balancing everyday responsibilities along with pain management is challenging, but how do you help someone to realize you can't just 'change' to accomodate their immediate desires?


Sometimes you can't always just drop things and be spontaneous.


To make matters worse, we had a relationship (teen love) twenty years before I was in an accident that left me with serious spinal issues and neuropathy.  It feels like they can't accept me for who I am now. We've only been dating a few months, but the tension is already there, and I don't want to lose someone I truly care about.


 


How do you make someone understand its not that you don't want to be with them, you just have other issues you have to deal with?


 


Yes, it does suck!!!!!!!!!  Anyone been down this path and can offer some experience?


Thank you in advance.  Right now, I don't which is the best decision.......distance or unintentionally causing hurt feelings due to them not being able to relate.


 

Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Aug 02, 2010 - 5:42AM #2
karbie
Posts: 3,329

Are their any support groups in your area? I'm asking this as something you could take him to one of the meeting and he could learn that you can't just jump up and go. It's not that you don't want to, it isn't possible. (since I've been  having a bad year, I can really relate.)


I forget where I heard this line, except the phrase "My get up and go has gone up and went". There are days I get out of bed only to go to the bathroom. Show him some of the comments here and on the Depression forum so he can see why you aren't the teenager who could do things with him you can't do now.


It's frustrating, draining, and debilitating to be in chronic, unending pain. I've been doing it for almost 25 years, although it isn't the kind of milestone you celebrate. I've been out of pain if I'm having sugery and that's about it. Thank God it wasn't as confining when my son was growing up.


I don't know if you are being treated for depression, but it might be something to consider. The constant pain is a stress on your body that can actually cause a chemical imbalance in the brain, which is clinical depression. doesn't mean you are crazy, or mentally ill--it's more like a diabetic and insulin. The insulin restores the body chemistry where it needs to be.


If he truly cares for you, he'll stay around; if he doesn't the longer it goes on,the harder it will be. This year will be our 33rd anniversary; most men would have bailed on me years ago. Our son is married now, so that's no longer a factor. Good men are the ones who stay even when things are rough. i hope your past and present boyfriend has matured enough to want to be in your future as well.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Aug 03, 2010 - 4:42PM #3
inthemidstwest
Posts: 136

*we've known each other for over twenty years, and have always been friends, even when we were in relationships/married to other people.  We have always been close.


The biggest problem is that he was married to someone with severe depression that also had pain management issues.  In his own words, a big mistake, that he rushed into.


 


Now that that's over, he needs to understand that its not self-esteem, depression, or any other stigma attached to chronic pain management other than what it TRULY is:  taking everything one day at a time, lots of dr.'s appts.,  and sometimes having to bail on things at the last minute.  It has nothing to do with not wanting to be with him.  But this isn't what I chose, it's what I have to deal with.


I have come to accept certain changes in my life, but really don't think I can handle being with someone who can't accept me 'as is', with no labels.


 


Thanks for your input, Karbie.  If I didn't truly care about him, this wouldn't be so hard.  Some people can't relate unless they are in certain situations first hand.  I hope he is willing to put in the effort and understand that each individual circumstance is different before coming to any decisions.  I'm not his wife, and he needs to overcome some insecurities if we're going to last.


 

Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Aug 03, 2010 - 10:33PM #4
karbie
Posts: 3,329

I've had a spinal fusion on the upper spine because instead of bulging discs I had debris and a bone spur pressing on the spinal chord. I've had my spinal cord accidently brushed and the resulting spasm made the needle fly out and across the room. It was the first time I really understood why people will kill themselves to escape the pain.


At that, the next runner up was having broken my tailbone just a few days before the surgery on my spine. I don't recommend having a neck brace, broken tailbone, and vanishing night nurse. I was allowed morphine shots-one per hour---and got to go home the next day because I'd only had 3. If I'd started screaming, maybe--as it was, when she'd left my control on the floor behind my bed, I took the oxygen sensor off to make the alarm go off.


I have had nerve blocks over the years and they do help with both pain and mobility. Eating cherries or any other fruit high in antioxidants will also help this.


I'm sorry that your boyfriend was burned before--but he's known you long enough to know that you aren't like that. I'm sure his disbelief didn't help that poor woman any. When one friend found out how bad my back was, she asked me why I hadn't said something--I told her it would have been boring. Besides, at that point hers was worse than mine and it wasn't a competition.


All you have to do to see how many things aren't "harmless fun' is go to a fairground midway or an amusement park and see all the rides they tell people with bad backs and other health problems to not get on. Even Disney World had rides like that--and most roller coasters are off limits.


Ask him if he's ever pulled a muscle badly; then have him try to imagine the pain not stopping even after it healed. That's chronic pain. (If I were being crass, I'd use groin muscle or getting kneed...and I've pulled a groin muscle...I'm just trying to get it in a framework of extreme agony he'd understand.)


Another thing I've got is called an Alpha Stim unit--it's about the size of a casette player, with padded clips for your ears and varying levels from 0-5. It can be set for 20 or 60 minutes, and what it does is interrupt the pain message the nerves are sending to the brain. Thank God we had insurance then because they cost $400, although by now they may be cheaper. It does help.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Aug 04, 2010 - 1:03AM #5
inthemidstwest
Posts: 136

WOW- that's alot for anyone to go through....you're lucky to have a caring husband that can relate to the hell you've had to go through medically.


 


I had been with someone two years when i was in the auto accident.  Long story short, they couldn't handle the stress and everything involved.  We split amicably, but it still really hurt.  And taught me alot about priorities and acceptance.


I haven't been in a serious relationship for almost five years.  He was burnt by a wife with painkiller addiction that relied on him to wait on her hand and foot. She refused counseling of any shape or form.  And her 'pain' wasn't debilitating enough to cause any restrictions.  I know this hurt him and he's reluctant to enter into anything resembling the past.


Everything was great for three weeks....then I had to bail at the last minute (1st time) from going out of town for a few days. I told him why, but he didn't think it was serious enough to warrant me cancelling.  *sigh*


A week ago, he had wanted to go out.  I was having intense pain in my leg, but sucked it up.  When he noticed me moving slowly and wincing, he just abruptly said he had to go home early and get up early in the morning.  *sigh*


We've talked for the first time in almost a week, and I know he wants to see me, but it really feels like there's alot of hesitation on his part.  I don't have any desire to hurt him, but he won't talk about it. 


I've tried to talk to him about what I have to deal with pain management wise on bad days........he doesn't want to talk about it. 


I guess time will tell.  But as long as I've known him, it feels like there's an awful lot of tension that has arose since having to bail once last minute.  I guess experiences define who we become, but it also seems like some of his past should be put in its proper place.  I'm not her.


 


 

Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Aug 04, 2010 - 4:31PM #6
Drdiana
Posts: 4

If you've already told your friend why you can't do the things they want to do and they refuse to listen, then maybe it's time you create a little distance between the two of you. You have fully expressed yourself, don't beat yourself up because they are chosing not to listen. You need to honor YOUR feelings and abilities.


Only you can set boundaries for yourself. But you must be willing to stick to them. It is ok to take time for yourself, to chose the people you want to be around and to chose how you want to interact with your friend. This might be a friend who is a better friend by telephone and internet than in person. 


Hang in there and Have a Blessed Day!

Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Aug 08, 2010 - 2:22PM #7
Brownowl33
Posts: 443

I'm afraid I know what you mean.  I've had to distance myself from people who couldn't (or wouldn't) understand that I couldn't do the same things I used to do.  They would get annoyed when I had to cancel plans, or alter them to make allowances for my limitations.  It's sad,but not everybody is cut out to handle chronic illness in others.

Quick Reply
Cancel
4 years ago  ::  Aug 23, 2010 - 8:08PM #8
karbie
Posts: 3,329

Grandma said that old age isn't for wimps..and neither is chronic pain. Remember all the old war movies where you waved a white flag, surrendered, and then sat things out? I can't count how many times I'd have waved that flag, but it doesn't work in real life. I'm still ticked at the shoemaker's wife for making clothes for the little elves and spoiling getting free overnight help for the rest of us.  And as for Samantha on Bewitched--all twitching my nose does is make me sneeze. I loved the show....but I think that housework and drudgery are less fulfilling when you don't have a choice about doing things the hard way.


I don't think this guy was ever that supportive of his ex if he's ready to bolt or get sulky and run if you exhibit any sign of the pain that you are struggling with. Frankly, since tension and stress tend to mae chronic pain worse, seeing him is causing you both physical and emotional pain on top of what you had to begin with.


I get the idea that you are supposed to be comforting him when you are the one in pain. It's the "poor me" show, and he seems to think that having been involved with someone who had pain before should mean that from then on he's supposed t o be told how wonderful he was, how hard it was to actually be mature and supportive, and --oh!-how hard it had been for him....the uninjured, not-in-pain-one, to deal with that selfish bitch who was so concentrated on her own pain instead of being nurturing to him and doing the things he wanted to do when he wanted to do them?


And for all the years you've known him, is now running again and maing you feel guilty for being in pain and cancelling on him?


My husband, son, and daughter-in-law went back to my home town 2 weeks ago. I couldn't go with them because I would have ended up in the hospital. I can't handle spending 8 hours on the road with a pinched nerve down one side and one that goes across from the middle of my back to the hip. It's bad enough being at home with it. I would have loved to see both sides of the family. It was a very hard decision to make, especially since my husband was afraid to leave me here alone. My pain doctor agreed when I saw him a few days after the trip that it would have been a very bad idea for me to travel in my shape. By the way--if any of you are having pain that seems like an electric shock, that usually comes from a pinched nerve. My pain doctor gave me a steroid pack and things have calmed down a bit.


I do indeed know just how lucky I am--and I make sure my husband knows both how thankful I am and that I tend to brag on him. (That last was apparently a surprise to him, but he deserves it.) I will admit that when I am feeling particularly bitchy I'll go on hot topics or a forum where there are people who are both opinionated and have an ego larger than our planet...so many egos, so little time....but if I'm going to take it out on someone, it should at least be someone who deserves the honor.  Fortunately, most of them have either bullet-proof egos or impenetrable minds. At least it takes my mind off the pain.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
Quick Reply
Cancel
 
    Viewing this thread :: 0 registered and 1 guest
    No registered users viewing
    Advertisement

    Beliefnet On Facebook