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Switch to Forum Live View How do I go on without my other half?
4 years ago  ::  Jun 06, 2010 - 11:00AM #1
Lisa
Posts: 5

I just lost my husband of 23yr's 2mth's ago,and it is so hard. That man was my world.We were together 24/7.That is why I'm finding it so hard because I'm just realizing that I'm ALONE!I grew up as an only child and feel like my whole life was chasing to alway's be with someone.And after 23yr's of being blessed with someone it was taken away.Coming from the Boston area and moving to Atlanta 3yr's ago I haven't met any people. My husband and I were loner's.I have his family down here and really would like to continue living here, but I have no social life or skill's.I stay in the house everyday and watch tv and eat, talk to my cat, and I'm starting to get as big as the house and I'm so bored. I'm also pending disability so I'm really strapped for cash so to go out to have a night out is hard. I've been depending on Family as far as bill's and housing goes and that get's me even more depressed.I know they mean well, but it's just not the same as when you have you're own. I'm not looking for another companion, just a friend maybe.I'm in my late 40's and feel I do still have some life in me.I have found myself talking to his ashes everyday and he has a Facebook account that I write on his wall daily, that tend's to help. But I do cry a few times a day just little thing's I'll think of that we've done.I speak with his kid's on a regular,but they are living in all different state's.I'm starting to feel like a burden to some, because that's really all I have to talk about is him.If anyone know's of thing's I can do that are FREE please let me know.

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 08, 2010 - 12:32PM #2
Tolerant Sis
Posts: 4,201

Lisa,


First of all, give yourself time to grieve.  It is very early days yet.  Grief is a natural and normal reaction to this kind of loss.


When you are through the worst of things, the next step is to STOP being a loner and get into the rhythm of life.  Take baby steps.  Make sure you have somewhere to go, every single day, even if it is just to the library, to the park, to the gym or swimming pool, to the grocery store, to church if that is appropriate.  


it is vitally important for you to get a job.  It doesn't have to be the most wonderful job in the world ... it just has to be a place where you have to go every day to be with other people.  Everyone starts with a small step, and nobody is born with job skills.  However, there are ways to get skills inexpensively.  Talk to a temp agency, or a local jobs office.  Our local career center, run by the government, gives lessons in office skills, telephone skills, etc. for free.  Call your local career center and see what they can do for you.


Accept the help your relatives are offering in the spirit in which it is given, but let them know you are working to become independent.  They will respect that.


It is so important that you find people in your situation to talk to.  Many churches offer grief groups or counseling sessions for free.  You'll find other widows or widowers in such groups, and you'll already have something in common.  Go out for coffee afterwards.  Make friends.  


Get yourself on a personal fitness schedule, even if it is just going for a brisk walk every morning, and eat foods that are healthy for you.  While comfort food sounds tempting, it will be very hard at your age to get those pounds off in the future.  


Keep a journal.  Write to your husband every night, or just record your own feelings.  A record of them will demonstrate clearly when you start feeling better.


There is no immediate cure, Lisa ... time is the only healer.  But small actions on your part can move you from the despair you are in today to a healthy, independent tomorrow, with friends and loving relatives.  And if the time comes, to recommit to another relationship.  But give that idea lots and lots of time.


 

First amendment fan since 1793.
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4 years ago  ::  Jun 08, 2010 - 1:44PM #3
Dunamus3
Posts: 557

Lisa, believe me, I feel you.  You see, I am a widow too.  My deceased husband taught me all I basically know about life.  He was in my life for 30yrs. and sheltered me very much.  His lingering was not more than a week before he passed.  I was left with two left hands and a big hole in my heart.  As much as I do not like to use the word "fear' this left me very frightened.  It took me five years before I felt competent enough to make a big decision.  Then, I realized that he was really not coming back and that I had the choice to either sink or swim.  I began to distance myself as much as possible from the things that reminded me so much of him. The family pictures came off the wall.  All of his pictures except historical certificates and medals were removed.  This gave me some relief because it is a tormenting thing to long for something that you know will never be. I did not know how much attention I gave the family picture until it was removed and I found myself stareing at the wall and went through a brief shock that it wasn't there.  My next step was to really get in contact with myself, to explore myself between me and God, the things I found out were mind boggleing.  Much time was, and continues to be spent in prayer.  God placed sincere folk in my life who were very instrumental in helping me gain strength.  Simply because I wanted strength.  They did not "pity" me, I am thankful because pity has a way of zapping strength.   After twelve years, I remain single and have not entered into a relationship.  My deceased husband left quiet an honorable record, but I learned that I cannot live off his record.  My faith in God tells me that God is too wise to make a mistake,and too kind to be cruel.  If He did not have a plan for me, He would not have left me.  Please know that I am not trying to play your pain down, I have been there.  Being single has its merits, but after being married so long, singleness initially was a culture shock for me.   Even now, I am tempted and to cry, but the pain is not as strong as it has been.  In every day and in every way I strive to be better and better. Just wanted to share that with you.

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 09, 2010 - 1:10AM #4
Greenman
Posts: 2

Lisa, take time to cry and morn your husband's loss. It is natural to feel an emptiness in your life. We are the ones who are in pain for our loved ones who have gone. They don't need our morning. We do. It is OK to morn.


Your husband is not dead as long as he is still in your heart and memory, and in the spirit of those who loved him. You can see him in every new-born child and every blooming flower. Some people believe that we return in physical form, while others say that it is only in spirit. Yet we always live again through the lives of those we have touched.


Visit a park. Walk beneath a tree. Summer is here, and there is beauty to be seen in the world. 


You are only part way on your journey through life. You are still young and have time to meet new friends and rebuild your life. You can survive.


I'm 62 and a cancer survivor, yet I still feel younger than some people who were born long after I was. What is my secret? I go out of my way to appreciate the joy of life around me, and I take every effort to help those in need. In addition to working a full-time job, I lead religious services for inmates in state prisons. When I see these men and their broken lives, I can't help but think how abundantly lucky I am to have made a few better choices in life.


You don't have to do the same things I do. You need to find you own path and seek your own happiness.

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 09, 2010 - 7:51AM #5
nillawafer
Posts: 587

dear lisa,


i wish i knew the right words to say to you to help. i remember how often people didn't say or do the right things when i lost my husband eight years ago to suicide. we had spent 20 years together and had three children between the ages of 8 and 16 when he died. i have been consumed by grief and confusion for all these years. how do i survive everyday? i rest in god. god holds me and gives me strength for the journey. i also take time for myself to nurture myself through prayer, walks in nature, candlelight baths, read inspirational literature, etc. i try to treat my lost, broken self like a would a sad friend, with gentleness and kindness. sometimes i fall apart and feel like giving up, but i take care of myself until the spell is over.


although i, too, thought of my husband as my other half and loved him very much, our situation was more complicated than yours. we had been separated on and off for 3 years and were about to divorce. although he was a mental health therapist, he refused therapy for us or himself. much is shrouded in mystery and i don't understand everything that happened. i cope with the confusing emotions of guilt and hurt, but do keep the happy memories in my heart. 


i have no advice for how to move forward because i seem to have trouble with imagining a future for myself. i live a mindful life in the moment, remembering to give thanks for the gifts of the day. i hope you more than survive, but are able to thrive. god bless you on your journey.

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 09, 2010 - 8:56AM #6
annie
Posts: 7,707

 lisa , It is ok to cry and feel sad . It took my 6 months to get over my dad passing. you can write me any time, annie

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 09, 2010 - 9:52AM #7
Jim
Posts: 3

Hi Lisa,


First, let me offer my concolenses for your loss.  To lose a life partner after 23 years is a sad event; it must feel like a big part of your foundation has veen ripped out from underneath you.  As others have mentioned, grief is niormal, and tears can be healing.  It may not feel 'normal' but then these aren't normal corcumstances, either. 


There's a lot of wisdom in the posts above.  I would second what Tolerant Sis has written.  Please do take care of yourself.  You're worth it.


As others have mentioned, it'll take some time to work through it all.  It's a hard road to travel and often a lonely road, but you aren't alone.  Though it may noit feel like it right now, this time may actually be good.  You may find reservoirs of strength, courage and ability you may never have known were in you.


Wishing you strength and hope.


Peace, Jim

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 09, 2010 - 11:15AM #8
David
Posts: 287

May God Almighty hold you and yours in the hollow of His Hand...  

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 09, 2010 - 12:09PM #9
Paul43
Posts: 3

   Hi Lisa, I'm just someone with the same common thread. I commend you on reaching out like you are, hope you keep doing that,as you can see "YOUR NOT ALONE" we can draw strength from one another.


   What you do on Face book I understand,I do same on My space to honor my Sweetie. You mentioned " you feel like a burden to many, just talking about your Hubby" [I do the same]  Might I sugg. you look at that as a witness to a beautiful marriage.


    My Addy. is always open to any one with the same common thread, please don't hesitate touching base, just to vent.    Stay Well, God Bless   Paul

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4 years ago  ::  Jun 09, 2010 - 6:09PM #10
Valarie
Posts: 9

Dearest Lisa,


                    Just close your eyes for a moment and yield yourself to your Father above. Allow Him to hold you securely in His love. With Him, there is always a door that is open for you. He is constantly close even when you feel lonely and blue. When you bow in His presence, tell Him exactly how you feel. He will bring you peace,sweet peace. I know this a tough time but god's strength is made perfect in your weakness. One day the sun will shine again. I will keep you in my prayers daily as God continues to comfort you.

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