I'm sorry that you lost your granddad. He sounds like someone who loved you enough to be honest with you and try to help you get a grip on your drinking. this isn't meant to be judgemental--but how do you feel about the family and friends you get abusive toward when you drink when you are sober? Are you trying to make them get upset enough to see that you need help, or just living down to what they think of you?

So many people find their way to beliefnet when they need help the most that there's more to it than chance. Which is why I'm glad you found your way here. Besides and/or in addition to the depression forum there's also one for alcoholics;  that's up to you to check out if you want to.

The timing of your binge drinking seem to coincide with the lack of sunlight. a lot of people here use light therapy and say it's made a huge difference in their lives. even with just light bulbs in that spectrum has helped me. There are a lot of caring, compassionate people here who will be around to help you. The fact that you want to change is the most important thing, because without that it isn't going to get better.

We can't choose our biological family, but as adults we can limit the time we spend with them if they set off self-destructive behavior. Same thing for friends--if these people have seen you at your worst and just stood by and watched--they aren't your friends. they are using your behaviour so they can feel superior over any of their own. "Well, at least I don't get drunk"....I mean, they all know what will happen if they are around you when you get drunk, yet they continue to be there? I'm sorry the married guy used you, but that's  why a lot of men are hanging out in bars. I'd get tested for STDs if the relationship went that far. sorry to sound harsh, but if I'm judging anyone's behaviour, it's his and not yours, okay?

Please keep in touch. Take it every day, or every hour, or however you ned to do things. Stay away from people who trigger the self-destructive energy so you don't fall back into it.