|5 years ago :: Mar 01, 2010 - 8:23PM #1|
Let me first say I am new here, and hope maybe I can find some direction... Two years ago, my now ex, broke into my home and held me against my will. I immediately got a restraining order and for about a year, had to look over my shoulder. I had little help from the police in my city, which hurt probably more than the abuse did... So here it is two years later, and I am still alone. I have met men, but none that just do it for me. I am a strong and independent woman, but I am incredibly insecure when it comes to dating after all I have been through. I give men a chance, and am greatly disappointed. Most recently, I had met one, who repeatedly called me spoiled and stated he could understand why I was single. Then blamed it on alcohol. I let him know I forgarve him, but that we could not proceed, as this was a trigger for me, as my ex would say mean things and later apologize profusely, and if I didn't accept it right out, it was because something was wrong with me.
ALthough I have tremendous friends, all of different backgrounds, and status, and fit with them and have things I can do with them, I get so lonely. My ex, regardless of all the abuse, he was my best friend, and so when I walked away from that relationship, I lost a best friend as well. I know that how he treated me was wrong, but he also really was there for me, at least more than anyone else ever has been in my life.
I just want to get past the pain of being alone. I am active, I am involved in lots of things, I work full time, and am in leagues with friends. I go to the theater with other friends, and will also go to the gym when I don't have a bum foot, or leg or what ever.
And although I have great friends, they really don't understand that in reality, I am really sad being alone. Most of my friends are in relationships or are reasonably content being single. They also all have family that occupies their time, whether it is siblings, kids, nieces/nephews, parents, etc where as my family all live hours away.
How do I accept that I am alone and may stay that way. How do I just trust that this is what God has planned for me? I have been in counseling, and the therapists didn't seem to really help. They said my feelings and fears were founded on what had happened.
I guess maybe I just need to keep talking to God, and asking for a strength to get through.