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Switch to Forum Live View Abuse was swept under the rug.
5 years ago  ::  Nov 19, 2009 - 3:37PM #1
Shineyourlight_x
Posts: 8

At age ten, I was both sexually and physically abused. My cousin sexually abused me through a "truth and dare" game. He made me undress in front of a camera and many other things. He touched me in places I didn't feel comfortable with. Ten years have gone by and I absolutely love my cousin. I've forgiven him whole-heartedly.


At age ten, my Dad started kicking me. It started out small and then got worst over the years. I would curl up in a tiny ball while my dad was kicking my stomach. My mom ignored it, my brothers ignored it, they said it was my fault. That my actions led my Dad to do this. I tried telling two of my friends and a school counselor, but they didn't believe me. There weren't any bruises, so they thought I was lying. Ages 10-12, he was still kicking me. One day, I was in my room. I had an empty fish bowl and I broke it because I was angry because of my Dad. I never knew what self-mutilating was, but for some odd reason, I just had the urge to do it. I never knew there was a name for it or anything. As I was cutting, my mind was just set on making me bleed so I can feel at least something.  My mom came in at that moment without knocking, and she asked me what she was doing. She started crying. And I guess she called my Dad in, and my Dad looked at me and called me "crazy." I wouldn't expect them to understand. I was sent to a psychiatric unit and they asked if I was abused. I said nothing. They asked again, and I was still silent. Then they asked for the third time, and I told them. My Dad was reported to CPS and my Dad made a promise never to hit me again (right...). CPS found him innocent. I'm sure my family was covering up the abuse and just told the people of the CPS what they wanted to hear. That my Dad did not kick or hit me.


My Dad kept his promise for a year. He didn't lay his hands on me. He tried looking into "depression", but it didn't teach him to control his anger. In ninth grade, he had enough of me. I was different from the rest of the family. I struggled with depression, PTSD (but I didn't find that out until much later), and I reacted differently to many things. I was being bullied and I was being threatened at school. My Dad started to punch me. I've never been punched until ninth grade (ages 14-15). Man, I'm tearing up now. GAH. Anyways, he used to give me plenty of bloody noses. The carpet in the living room is literally stained from my own blood. I never fought back until much later. When he laid his hands on me, I swung at him and missed. Instead, I grabbed his shirt and ripped it. He was on top of me, punching me, and I was trying to grab him to push me off since my Mom and brothers weren't being supportive. They just stood there. When I ripped his shirt, he blamed me and said "Why did you do that? FREAK." And punched me again. He did this many times.


I went to school with a bruise on my face. CPS was again notified, and again, my Dad was found innocent. I was hospitalized many times, into the psych ward, during my freshman year in high school because of it. Because I used to "get out of control." The abuse was wept under the rug. Therapists blamed me, friends blamed me, my family blamed me, I was utterly alone. I wasn't a Christian at the time because I turned my back on God because of the abuse and the bullying.


I was sent to a residential facility. I was the scapegoat. I was the one that was blamed. I used to shut down in therapy sessions because it was all blaming me and everything I said, it just went into my face. I wanted to kill my Dad. I wanted to make him suffer. I had so much anger and so much hatred towards this man. He didn't deserve the title "Dad". He was a monster.


I was in the residential facility for 2 years. I changed a lot. But my Dad, he was the same. When I returned home in September 2006, he didn't start hurting me until 2007. He got mad because I wouldn't eat a salad, so he pinned me against the wall and said, "You deserve to be punched." I left the house. It was January, and I only had socks on. I walk walking on the side of the road with no shoes, no winter coat, and I was trying to find a place to stay. My Dad put his hands on me a lot.


When i was younger, I tried calling the police. But my Dad would always pull me away from the phone and hit me harder because I "tried to get him in trouble." Anyways, my Dad has stopped hurting me. I told him that if he ever puts his filthy hands on me again, that I WILL call the police. He put his hands on me again, but then I chickened out NOT to call the police. But the last time he did, I told him again that I will call the police and that I'm not some "little girl" anymore.


Do I hate my Dad as much as I used to? No. But I do have PTSD over this, because the abuse was and STILL IS swept under the rug. Sorry that this was so long. But I thought I'd share. But I am slowly learning to love my Dad. He never apologized, and neither have my family for not reporting my Dad to the authorities. I have a lot of hidden anger towards my Mom and my brothers.

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 23, 2009 - 10:13PM #2
belleo
Posts: 2,865

Sharing is therapeutic it has been for me . Your father was a sick man to hit you the way he did . I too  figured  that  there was no God because for me it was my mother who was abusive . I got to see my mother in a different kight when she came to me with a prayer on self forgiveness and on forgiving all my abusers . At first I felt it wasn't  up to me to forgive . Forgiveness freed me of many nightmares . The best to you dear.

Just me
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5 years ago  ::  Jan 14, 2010 - 10:20PM #3
dameqq
Posts: 18

Hi, am sorry to hear about your abuse. And i understand the way you feel towards your family as i was kind of in a similar situation.


In my case i was sexually abused on three different occasions by my cousin, my brother and a close family friend. Then i was between the ages of 5 and 7. I never told anyone. But when i grew up,it haunted me and the reality of what had been done to me hit me right in the face. Anyways,i comfronted my abusers and they denied it,but my brother later admitted asked for forgiveness and was willing to help me in the healing process if at all he could help.


Before this though,i spoke to my mum about it and she told me i was full of nothing but lies. She called me a prostitute desparate to destroy peoples lives. I was hurt, suicidal, i hated my whole family. I was the youngest in a family of 5 and i felt they should have been protecting me but they didnt.


Anyways,i have forgiven them and i went to counselling and had lots of people pray for me. Am totally healed now.


Back to you, my advice is that you concentrate on your personal healing. Go to a counsellor,surround yourself with people and friends that believe in you. And remember, God will always be for you, no matter how much you feel unwanted. To be honest i believe every word you have said, coz i have been there.


keep praying and i will keep you in my prayers.

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5 years ago  ::  Jan 18, 2010 - 9:34PM #4
Huggieangel
Posts: 12

Hi,


This a very brave thing you have done by posting on here and I think that is so awesome. :D


I found by talking to people who understand and have been in your situation helps so much with the healing process. That is the first place to start is self healing. I have been doing that for the past 3 years and still have a long way to go but each day gets me closer.


There is an old saying ' Time heals' and it does even though some days it does not feel like it.


You have taken the first step and just take baby steps from here. I think you are a brave lady and wish you all the best.


Smiles and hugs for you.


Huggieangel

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