Hello all,

I am new to this thread, but not new to B-net. Was a member years ago, and decided to return. 

I wanted to share my recent realizations about my abuse experiences; and also my appreciation for my therapist.

I began seeing a therapist about 10 months ago. For years I admitted to myself that my mother (who raised me alone) was a very strict, and for some reason still frightened me (even at the age of 30 y/o). I've also always been a person that can fly into a rage, and also be severely critical of myself (calling myself names, wanting to hurt myself when I get very agitated, etc). After weekly sessions with my therapist for months, she said the words to me out loud, "I believe you are a victim of child abuse." It was a profound realization for me. Horrifying, freeing, and confusing all at once. As I began to mentally review my own childhood, I recognized that she was right. My mother would lash out at me over small things I did and she would hit me, throw things at me, break my toys, etc. She was, in my words, a terrorist.

My therapist also helped me to realize that my inner anger over sometimes trivial things was likely due to the abuse. I call it my "undercurrent of rage." I now understand that this fury results from my frustrations with my mother as a child, and never being able to stand up to her. It's amazing to me that the rage is connected to *my childhood*.

I've always criticized myself for being different, blaming myself for my faults, my quirks, and my confused nature. It's a long process for me to forgive myself; and further to attempt to accept and love myself. I realize I've been telling myself for 30 years that "if only I was prettier, smarter, better... she wouldn't have been so cruel to me." Now I realize it wouldn't have mattered how perfect I was - she would have likely abused me anyway. This is such an epiphany!! It's not my fault!!

I want to encourage any of you that have not been to a therapist to check one out. Mine truly saved my life. I was at the end of my rope. Yes, I was already on antidepressants, but I still couldn't get a hold on my anger, my depression, my hopelessness... But my therapist saw the scars on my heart. She was patient. And she helps me without judgment. She is a gift!!

I want to send love to all of you fellow survivors of abuse. I want to remind you, it was never your fault. No matter what your parent was going through, or what type of childhood they had - the abuse was unacceptable. You deserve love, respect, and nurturing.

Dear Stargazer,

Read your post and I cnat tell you how proud of you I feel right now.  I am amazed at your courage in seeking a therapist's help and managing to confront the issues within.  Good luck and God Bless for the future and all that you do.

For your benefit and that of others who read this, I would like to share how therapy helped me too although not exactly the same way as it did for you. 

I have  been sole caregiver to my bipolar husband for the past 8 years and suffered the blues and severe victimization before his diagnosis.  It was a problem getting him to a doctor and impossible to get him to therapy.  I coul dnot go myself since there was nobody else to take care of him in my absence.

My kid had told me about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy so I explored that with a psychologist and then began doing the exercises myself.  Soon I became more confident, more organised.  I even wrote a book on Caregiving for the mentally ill. 

Today some 4 years later, I still keep up CBT, and my husband joins me now.  This gives him a sense of control over his own mental health and well-being even as it boosts up my morale.  At times I feel so confident that the future seems a routine thing to get through!!!  Other times I wonder how things will be for us...

Best of all, my husband is so very confident that he no longer displays anxiety about the future. 

Cheers!

Betashe