This is the first time I am telling anyone about what is going on inside me. I am completely and utterly broken. Spiritually I am obliterated. All I once held as truth has been shaken to its foundation and now I know not what is real.
I have lost faith in God. In my greatest hour of need I felt as if I was abandoned. To the pits of depression I sank, no help no matter how hard I prayed. All I was ever taught about God was turned on its head. I fasted, I repented, I immersed myself in scripture and prayer, I consulted with my pastor. The promises I found in the Bible felt like they were letting me down...still do feel that way.
I just feel so abandoned by God (I know many of you will try to talk me out of my feeling this way, please just respect my feelings it this time). I feel so ANGRY with God. I feel so HELPLESS. Damned if I do, damned if I dont.
I have, in recent time, been drawn to paganism. A more open, experiential spiritual practice. But the GUILT implodes my mind. The fact is, I dont want to miss God, I dont want to offend God, I dont want to slander God. I just want to KNOW God. My heat YEARNS for God...or Goddess...or Creator...or whatever is REAL.
I am TIRED of the your wrong and I am right mentalities. I am tired of the 'no matter how hard you try you will always fail' but if you dont 'follow me' you'll be cast into eternal punishment.
I am TIRED of trying to be perfect for You. I am TIRED of going through all the religious motions, TIRED of reading 'scripture' that supposedly is THE authority.
ALL I know is what I experience spiritually. ALL I know, is that when I put my faith in You...as I was taught...I was left wanting.
Is my anger and resentment clouding my judgement? I dont know, maybe. Maybe You were here all along. But at present, I cant see you, feel you , hear you, sense you, etc. I am lost.
I NEED it to be ok for me to seek You out wherever you ARE...if that means moving away from Christianity...then so be it. I just need you to know that I am really LOOKING for You...isnt that enough? Search my heart and you'll see I am genuine.
For what its worth, I am Christian, but firmly believe in religious diversity. There is so much to be learned from other religions and spiritual paths.
My later-life spiritual path (I'm only 45, btw) has been influenced by the Qu'ran and Sufi (mystic) Islam; Christian mysticism, and a number of other studies. I started off by giving myself "permission" to learn about other faiths and paths. I prayed about it, too.
But, cornerstone to my faith is an idea I call "Assume Nothing." The Word is often "delivered" in very unique and little understood ways. This is God... its what he/she does. I can not assume anything when it comes to God interacting with me. This includes assumptions about doctrine, church, pastors, situations, locations, people.... the world... and the entirety of the Universe. God defines his/her relationship with me. Without regard to my surface preferences. And I try, but often am not, to be prepared for that.
Its lead to some interesting and even very funny occurrences.
I feel your pain and confusion, I really do. I'm still on my own search, but I have come across some partial answers that have helped give me a little relief. Maybe they're only useful to me but I am more than happy to share.
One big part of my original confusion was the implied equation on God and Church. There is only "one"* God, but many Churches. The Churches are man-made and are therefore prone to being messy, and venal, and parochial. There were (are?) even two separate religious crimes: blasphemy (offending God) and heresy (offending the Church). A survey of history shows that heresy was punished far more severely, and more often. Why? Because heresy was a threat to a Church's authority and therefore power and wealth.
So don't be afraid to divest yourself of what Churches tell you is the Truth. As the Buddhists and Hindus have figured out long ago, there are many truths, and they are all a part of the Truth.
*"One" God could be best definied as what Panentheism defines as God.
Be blessed. I wish you peace and hope you find your path again soon. Also, pay heed to what Karl posted. He's a wise one, much wiser than a cricket like me.
Welcome to Beliefnet’s multi-faith depression support where those of all faiths participate, and where no single faith is more dominant than another.
I am so sorry you're having such a tough time... Your angst is palpable… In my tradition, we are taught that often times such a place that you now find yourself in develops in one’s spiritual life that we might be ‘awakened’ by the shock of such seemingly free-fall… keeping in mind we are never given more than we can handle. one of my teachers used to drop a large book to the floor as a means to shift students’ perspective and get their attention … it always worked.
This link is to a non-denominational site called “Faith Crisis.” May it offer you some insight …
Also I invite you to click here to get to our thread titled “Newcomers Corner.” In addition to providing links to informative discussions on the board, it also contains a number of helpful, simple yet commonly overlooked remedies and strategies for coping with depression.
Additionally you might like to check out this thread titled “Nutritional Support” and discover how closely related nutrition is to our mental health and how you can enhance your sense of well-being. I’m sensing that your nutrition is probably pretty crappy…
Again, welcome to the board. We’re very happy to have you with us. May you find support, comfort, and friendship here.
Thank you to all who have replied. I very much appreciate all that has been said. I am very much stuck between my hard-core southern baptist upbrining (ie The Bible is the inerrant word of God, there is only ONE way to God (Jesus), and if you do not 'believe' in Jesus you will be punished forever in Hell) and a more diverse, universal, spirituality.
I suppose what initially set this depression and spiritual free fall was at a time in my life were I was at my most zealous and doing all that I was taught to do, as per church doctrine. Since the Bible was inerrant, I put all faith in it, and in a time of great crisis I leaned on my faith and found that it was not solid. I fell hard. I have never felt so abandoned by God...and so my questions began. I tried every angle...particularly the 'I am a sinner' and 'hidden sin' angle...and found nothing that supported what I was taught. However, I still had an inner drive to know "God"...I KNOW there is something divine...if not Jesus, then what? Or if Jesus, not in the way of church doctrine. I dont know. Guess its spiritual growing pangs Im going through.
In any case, I AM openly seeking Truth. I guess I am diappointed that God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit doesnt manifest to me as my heart is open and waiting. The bad part is that I WANT to believe, my experiences though are disheartening. Ill find a way. One way or another.
Anytime any religion or any sect that repeatedly rams home the lesson that if you don't believe EXACTLY as they tell you God is going to send you to Hell it is one to leave. If I believed my in-laws views, Harry Potter books are all Satanic influences and watching Rugrats means you are going straight to Hell. They've never read any of the books, but they are sure these things are evil.
My mother sent my son some of the Harry Potter books after she was through discussing them at a church book club discussing the fact they still followed letting those on the side of Good prevail. Trust me, the idea of Mother and "Satanic influence" appearing in the same sentence is about as crazy as you can get.
Even the people in the Bible have doubts--King David especially has written psalms asking God why he's been forsaken just when he needed help most. I don't think that exploring other faiths will be a reason to cast you into Hell. I was in the choir for years at my home church and I don't remember a single sermon full of threats and damnation. In fact we were taught that there were as many paths to God as there were devout people of different faiths, and we needed to all find common ground to work together for a better world.
To many my beliefs would be contradictory because I believe in Jesus, the Virgin Mary, the Father God, the Mothe God, angels, and reincarnation. I believe that love and who we were goes on past death. If the Pagan speak more to you, there's nothing wrong with it. They've been worshiping Nature for a very long time and they have an appreciation of the Gifts we've been given. They didn't become automatically "Evil" just because the Church wanted to get rid of the competition.
Nobody on this planet can cast you into Hell, or tell you that's where you'll end up. When my son met his BF they were both 9 and his father had died just a few months ago. His father was a Buddhahist , and the couple who had been baby sitting him took him aside, but not to comfort him. They just told a grieving child his father had gone straight to burn in Hell.
Look around our world and think of all the people here who have had other views and other ways of worshipping throughout history and equate it with a loving God. Why would anyone think everyone who believes differently is going to be punished for it by God? "It does not compute". Whatever you are going through, you will find a lot of warm caring, supportive people here. We all vent when we need to and you won't be judged for it. I'm glad you found us and I hope we see more of you.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again." 'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." these are both from my father.
I'm praying that you get some sense of peace of some sort. Something in accordance with your need.
So, I'm gonna tell you something that is strictly my thoughts, and definitely take it for what its worth to you. My sense is that you'll not find a quick fix to this. You probably already know that.
And perhaps "fix" is not the right word. Maybe "re-synthesize" your personal theology...? "Re-work" sounds pretty good, because it will take (truly) work. I so hope you're able to do this in your current environment. Only you can determine the cost of re-synthesis. That cost/benefit analysis is yours and God's alone.
I have a personal belief that is the foundation of all that I believe - there is no fear in love. God is love. God simply doesn't use negative reinforcement. Some people do, however.
Thanks yall for all the support. I can not say it enough. I think it is difficult because all this "stuff" has been ingrained in me over 30 years...kinda like brainwashing. Green, you are right, there is no quick fix...it is hard work. I am wrestling with God/Goddess whichever. I think in the end it will result in a lot of spiritual growth.
You know, as a parent, I think about my daughter and what if she felt called to an alternative lifestyle (that which is opposite of what I have, or believe)...I couldnt reject her, I couldnt damn her. So, if God is all loving...it just isnt congruent. So many negative messages I have recieved. Ugg..the struggle goes on.
I have always felt the Divine more as a dual being Male/Female counterparts...and particular closer to the Feminie aspects. So naturally, paganism is an easier fit for me. I guess I will meditate and pray and continue seeking. Pray for me.
I think the closest we come here on Earth to understanding the love of the God/Goddess is looking down at a baby in our arms. Or when a toddler comes running to put their arms to be hugged--those little arms are magic, even when that child is an adult. Just the memory of that unquestioning love is still there.
We've all been in waiting rooms where some people look like their faces would break if they smiled or interacted with anyone. Bring a baby/toddler in the mix and the emotional index in the room becomes warmer and friendlier as everyone smiles.
there is no way a rational Being would want anything negative to happen to them.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again." 'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." these are both from my father.
It took me 30 years to really feel at home with the Lord. And even now, I'd be lying if I said my faith didn't get shaken sometimes.
Like others here I'm a Christian but believe in religious diversity. Find what you need to feel at peace. and am also tormented by the mentality of "what I believe is right and everything else is WRONG"
I know where you are and how confusing and scary and frustrating and angering it is. Just know God is with you, even when you can't feel Him.
Good luck. We're here for you if you need help on your journey. Hugs and prayers.
