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Switch to Forum Live View Hello. I'm new to the forum
9 years ago  ::  Apr 22, 2009 - 7:35AM #1
Posts: 670

Last month I had a small lump removed from my throat. It diagnosed as metastatic squamous cell carcinoma. Since then I have had a PET scan to look for the source, but none was found. Tomorrow I go for a tonsillectomy, several biopsies, and a laryngoscopy. If the source is found, my prognosis is not half bad.

I've spent a lot of time in denial. Oh, I could say I have cancer, but it meant nothing more serious than I have dandruff. Occassionally, I have felt overwhelmed with fear. At other times, I have a bittersweet feeling about my life and my surroundings.

I also feel shame and guilt. Squamous cell cancers of the head and neck are often caused by smoking and drinking, and I have done more than my fair share of both. So there's guilt because the cancer very likely was caused by my behavior, and shame because I should not have let this happen to me. I think what I want to know is if these feelings are normal?

I admire the people here. You all have such courage to go through all you have gone through. And you maintain a sense of humor. I hope I can be as brave as you all are.


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9 years ago  ::  Apr 22, 2009 - 3:53PM #2
Posts: 339

I hope your appointments went ok today. God bless

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9 years ago  ::  Apr 24, 2009 - 11:09AM #3
Posts: 8

Hello, may peace be upon you. I could only imagine what any of us could go through when being diagnosed with cancer. Your feelings sound only too normal...I mean to say that I would feel like you too. When you mentioned "feeling guilty" about the cancer.....hit a cord with me, because I think that any of us would feel that way.....there must be so many feelings and thoughts associated now with your diagnosis and health. Try not to be overwhelmed, but accept your array of thoughts and feelings as normal. Be easy and gentle on yourself, you are only human.

Yes, other people are strengths for us..........all of us. And we are all part of the human family. God help you heal and just do your best. Keep enjoying what gives you joy! (healthy hobbies), or walks in nature...what ever it is!

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9 years ago  ::  Apr 24, 2009 - 11:01PM #4
Posts: 2

I will be having breast cancer surgery April 30th and with all the anxiety prior to having surgery, I hope and pray guilt doesn't come after.  I will pray for you to let go of the guilt.  I understand it, as I am a smoker too.  I hate loving cigarettes, it's an addiction and a horrible one that I am struggling with.  I thought that if the day ever came that I heard the "C" word, that I would immediately quit, the joke was on me.  All I know is I have quit several times and I will continue to try quitting until I succeed.  Forgiving yourself is a hard thing to do, harder than quitting smoking and it's addictive too.

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9 years ago  ::  Apr 25, 2009 - 11:54PM #5
Posts: 1

I am also new to this site. I am sending all my positive thoughts and prayers to you. I'm not sure where I am with my situation but I keep telling myself that it is what it is and I have to deal with it.  Maybe I'm in denial but I just take each day as it comes.  I keep real busy so I don't let myself get caught up in what I'm going through. I have found I don't like to talk about it to my friends because they start feeling sorry for me or act different. May 6th they will be removing 18" of  my colon.  I hope all works well with you.

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9 years ago  ::  Apr 26, 2009 - 11:19AM #6
Posts: 339

I am new to this forum, and I wanted to wish everyone health, mental, physical, and spiritual.  My wife is undergoing Chemo for lymphoma, and watching the changes in her, and being a support for her, I see she is still a support for me as well.  "C" cancer effects everyone in your family, and this awareness can help our understanding of their reaction when the family and friends re-act to us differently than they did before.  It isn't you they are re-acting to but their own fear of what "if", so do take the time to be patience and understanding with others, it is natural re-action to seeing a loved one sick.  We all love you, and we all want to live a healthy existence, but getting cancer isn't anyones "fault", it will happen regardless if someone smokes, or drinks, or eats fatty food, or whatever "someone" ie authority figure, may point to as a cause for cancer.  To my knowledge no one has found a reason yet for the existence of cancer, because once we know the cause then the cure is within reach. 

So love yourselves, you are so worth the blessing of life, and stay positive and know you are eternal, always have been, always will be.  Creator loves unconditionally, and does not judge anyone for being a human animal upon this planet, existing in this galaxy, held within this Universe, expanding unconditional Love we are all such a small part. 



Whatever the question Love is the answer
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9 years ago  ::  Apr 26, 2009 - 3:31PM #7
Posts: 682


Guilt is a totally normal reaction to the diagnosis.  When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1996, I called my Mom and Dad to tell them.  The first words out of my Mom's mouth were "Will you quit smoking now??"  So yes, I felt guilt for a long time.  I did eventually quit.  Only because my reconstruction surgeon said he wouldn't do the surgery unless I did.  Great motivation!!  That was in 97.  I haven't smoked since.

You didn't do this to yourself.  We get cancer because we live in human bodies.  We are all subject to the same ills and diseases.  What we do, how we live, who we know, where we work, all play a part in our health issues.   But be assured that you did not do this to yourself.  Our bodies betray us in a million ways.  Then there are folks like George Burns.  Lived to over 100.  Did he deserve to be healthy in spite of what he did to his body?  No more than any of us deserve to be healthy or ill.  We don't.  Our bodies betray us.

Someone once told me that my cancer was judgement from God.  Bullshit.  My cancer was from being human.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I'm sure that God allowed it to happen for whatever reason, and I did learn from the experience.  I've been blessed to be a part of the lives of the folks here on this board because of my experience.  It has definitely been a double edged sword.  Tremendous pain, and tremendous blessings. 

Learn from your experiences!!!  Live your life to the fullest each day!!  Decide what is important to you.  Make your life peaceful and happy for YOU!  You can't change your past, and guilt is the worst way to spin your wheels.  Forgive yourself, realize you have nothing to be guilty over, and make today new and better every day.

And know you are not alone.  We, on this board, are here for you.  You are all always in my prayers.


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9 years ago  ::  Apr 26, 2009 - 5:24PM #8
Posts: 1


I donot know what to say. It is hard for you. But I will pary for you. I hope thing well with you.


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9 years ago  ::  Apr 30, 2009 - 8:21AM #9
Posts: 19


Guilt is a tool in the moment of a decision to guide you toward making the right choice. Guilt is a tool that leads you to repentance. Shame is a tool Satan uses to manipulate and destroy. Guilt beyond its usefulness is a tool to put and keep you in bondage. Guilt and shame are a cancer and will destroy you if you entertain them.

My mother had oral cancer. She continued to smoke. Her choices did kill her!  She carried a great deal of guilt and shame about many different things and it destroyed her. It was extremely painful, as her daughter, to witness and experience that bondage.

I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are but the truth is if anybody does something they know is contrary to good health (in all regards) then they have contributed to destruction in their life. That destruction will manifest in different ways for each person.

You have a choice, you can wallow in feeling bad or you can step up and make a difference in what you are thinking, what you are speaking, how you are living. God loves all of us, but if we are disobedient to His will then "we" bring hardship on ourselves. We suffer the consequences of our own choices.  I am not saying you deserve to get cancer; I'm truly sorry you are going through that.

What I am saying is that you have the ability to make some changes that will empower you and heal you in all areas. Our society teaches that it is okay to feed our emotions of worry, doubt, fear, disbelief, etc...But, God's word is very contrary to that. God's word teaches that faith is the answer. God's word tells us to be obedient to His will and we will be set free. His word tells us not to linger over anything that is contrary to obedience and faith.

Yes, you have to do your part to be healthy. That means having a faith based thought life which means speaking as though you truly have faith over what God is doing in you, that means you have to make choices that honor God's will and reflect you are taking responsibility for your part in the relationship.

I believe you can overcome. God created all of us to be conquerors. You can be a conqueror over anything that sets you against God's will for you. My suggestion is that you make sure you are aligning yourself with how you may overcome anything in you that separates you from faith and the truth of God's word.

Make up your mind "you are not a victim-you are a victor." God is your partner. You have to make the choice.  Stop wasting time with any negativity. There is a lot of information as to how you may make positive changes so you may claim the life God wants to give you.

Anything short of faith is a sin. Wow! That is huge for all of us, regardless of our challenges. Walk boldly with faith and honor not only God with your choices but yourself.

Just so you know, I am sharing with you from my own battles. I'm not judging you; I'm holding your hand and pulling you toward what will set you free.

God loves you and He wants to bless you!

You are in my prayers.


Black Winged Angel
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9 years ago  ::  Apr 30, 2009 - 10:23AM #10
Posts: 5

I am responding because I once dealt with squamous cell carcinoma of the skin. (Not deadly. Easily treated.) But I was very frightened upon hearing the "c" word. I had been known to smoke and drink too, but the doctors believed it had a lot more to do with sun exposure than anything.

Should I feel guilty for allowing myself to be exposed the sun as a child? We all face harmful exposures (disease, pollution, natural disasters). Even if you could safeguard your health at all times, ultimately the body will simply wear out eventually anyway.

Move forward with your health treatment. Don't beat yourself up - instead be very loving and gentle with your body so you can heal. Get plenty of rest, eat (or drink) things that are very soothing for your throat. Having been through a laryngoscopy (for stomach issues) I know that will take some recovery time too (and that's just for diagnosis - not treatment).

The guilt is not helping or serving you right now. Things that happened in the past can't be changed now. Be positive and focus on regaining your health. Live in the here and now and arm yourself with the knowledge and tools to make the best decisions for yourself in the future.

God Bless You.

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