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Switch to Forum Live View "Grooming" the Victim
6 years ago  ::  Mar 15, 2009 - 8:01PM #1
Wmdkitty
Posts: 2,174

I just realized that my ex, from the moment we met, was grooming me for abuse.


He started out by putting me on a pedestal, and slowly chipped away at ME, at the very core of WHO I AM, slowly testing the waters to see if I was "ready".


This starts small, with verbal jabs, intentionally "forgetting" things, making little promises and then making excuses for not following through.  "I'll fix dinner tonight, it'll be really great!" followed by, "I didn't know you'd be getting home so late!" (And this was when he KNEW my class got out around 7, and the bus ride took another hour!)


Then it moves on to more significant verbal abuse, the emotional and mental destruction of the victim, which puts her in a state where she honestly thinks "it was MY fault he was angry -- I should have said/done X, Y, or Z!" Along with this, he will twist everything -- EVERY. LITTLE. THING. -- that happens to make *him* look like the poor, suffering victim, and nothing is EVER *his* responsibility, or *his* fault, NO, it's always SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT.


And then the violence begins. Oh, it may start with a shouting match here, a knock-down-drag-out scream-fest there, but it WILL escalate into actual PHYSICAL  VIOLENCE.


What I'm interested in is the psychology of the abuser, WHY do they do this? WHAT are they thinking? How do they justify this behavior? I mean, the fact that after the matter, they will buy/say/promise ANYTHING to get back with the victim shows quite clearly that they KNOW they're doing something wrong. And yet they just go and do it again?


 


  Someone is bound to ask what triggered this little outburst, yeah? For starters, the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna thing -- and Oprah is right. If he hits you once, he WILL do it again. On top of that, my ex is out of jail after a slap-on-the-wrist seven months, and I'm honestly TERRIFIED of what he will do to me, my housemates, our property, if he ever gets the chance. The third factor was a woman and her baby were brutally murdered in Ferndale about a week ago -- the prime suspect is the boyfriend. (Did I mention I *knew* her?) I am an angry woman, a pissed off SURVIVOR, who has seen far too much incompetence and laxity on the part of the police, prosecutors, and judges... and has not seen any justice done. 

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment." -- George Carlin
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 15, 2009 - 9:49PM #2
Laurab0326
Posts: 47

There are still times that I blame myself that my husband left and ended up with his deceased friends girlfriend after only being gone a month. He used to verbally abuse me and he made me think I was worthless without him. I think now that he is only nice to me because I ended up in and out of the hospital through the separation and I still have a hard time thinking that he and that girl are together even though he says that they arent. With out me rambling on about the situation...It was a good post. I find you very intreging to say the least!

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6 years ago  ::  Mar 18, 2009 - 3:47PM #3
karbie
Posts: 3,329

Of course, the higher the pedestal, the harder the fall is going to be...which is one of the reasons for the pedestal in the first place, isn't it ladies? Then there are the things about wondering why you want to go out with your girlfriends when he doesn't want to do anything unless you are with him, so why do YOU need anyone else? Aren't you in love with him the way he loves you? Because naturally if you were, you'd do things with him like fishing even if you loathed it after a few sessions of never even being allowed to make your own casts because you don't do them right and he just can't understand why you can't remember all the things he's told you to do. It just wouldn't be any fun if you weren't with him having a miserable time.


 Fishing with my late father-in-law was a trip. Mom refused to go out on the boat with him and fished off the bank after they'd spent an afternoon where he'd kept his end of the boat in the shade and she came back so sunburned it hurt to even look at her. She'd begged him to move the boat, but he was fine and getting nibbles so he wouldn't do it. Last time I went with him he started moving the boat when I had a line snagged because my husband and I had both gotten bites and he hadn't.


The initial grooming can be romantic, can't it/ Flowers, telling you how long he's loved you, how he's dreamed of being with you--that was the abusive ex-HS boyfriend who might not have taken me in so completely at first except when my first marriage broke up, all the explanation I got was"It's not you. It isn't anything you've said or done. I just don't love you anymore." His mistress was already living with us--her mother had kicked her out for carrying on with a married man--mine, as a matter of fact. They finally told me the carefully fudged timeline--but they maried as soon as the divorce was final. At that, when Steve decided to be honest,he had HER write the letter. the part that made the whole office I worked at howl was the part about all of us being friends again. I wrote back and told her that it hadn't worked out that well for me the first time and he still owed me $300.


So I was easy pickings for someone who kept telling me that he had been in love with me from the first time he'd seen me and had never stopped. He'd been married twice by then because he couldn't keep his pants zipped shut. Started out well, didn't end well. We lived together for almost a year and thank God my mother let me move back in with her. He'd call me at work--and the bosses could listen in on either phone on my desk. He stalked me; but there weren't stalker laws then. He'd show up where ever I was. but here's the worst part, in many ways.


We've been married over 31 years now, but the beginning was really rocky because I was stupid enough to be honest about my past--after all, his sister was my best friend but she wouldn't have left things lie there. If you want a virgin, don't marry a divorced woman you know lived with someone else...and God have I paid pennance all these years. He kept wanting me to look like I did at 17--not that easy at 22 once you stop deliberately provoking gall bladder attacks.


Problem was that ex-boyfriend lived with his brother-in-law...and he worked with my husband...who got to listen to "stupid brother-in-law" stories to continually remind him of the two of us together. No physical abuse--but verbal abuse galore. Part of my weight problem was caused by all the anger I've literally "swallowed" over the years, all the time hating myself while I did it but unable not to because I wasn't about to take it out on my son. I'm morbidly obese; it's a slow form of suicide but then I hurt so much right now I know where every bony point is on my spine and while I won't overtly kill myself I'm not sure if I'd grab a rope right now..there are more people whom I love who are dead all the time.


today i screwed up and missed my pain management appointment. I managed to get in tomoprrow. they usually call but this time they didn't call and they didn't call in the lyrica i needed either so my joints are all swollen and crunchy and on fire and I didn't even make it downstaris yesterday.


 Sorry. Time for ice and vicodin and getting off this computer.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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5 years ago  ::  Apr 17, 2009 - 12:28AM #4
Laurab0326
Posts: 47

have you bought yourself a shotgun or pistol yet?

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5 years ago  ::  Apr 17, 2009 - 12:40AM #5
Wmdkitty
Posts: 2,174

Apr 17, 2009 -- 12:28AM, Laurab0326 wrote:


have you bought yourself a shotgun or pistol yet?




No, but I triple-check the locks before going to bed, before leaving the house, and have been known to randomly check "just to be sure" in the middle of the night when I hear a noise. (I also keep a very large stick handy.)


I don't travel after dark if I can help it, carry a flashlight if I have to go out.


When I'm out about town, I keep my friends close by. I try not to travel alone.


It just galls me that the pigs are such douchebags around here, that after he was *finally* arrested, charged, and locked up, he got *seven months* on a ten year sentence.

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment." -- George Carlin
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5 years ago  ::  Apr 19, 2009 - 10:29AM #6
karbie
Posts: 3,329

Seven months?!?   Oh, but that's right, he isn't a "dangerous" criminal yet, so he got a "beat up a woman free" card? Just a little "misunderstanding" between him and the "little woman". Is he at least on probation or parole so he can be sent back?


MORONS!!!!!


  Is it horrible to wish that the next woman he lays a hand on has a lot of brothers who beat the crap out of him? Or has had combat training she hadn't mentioned yet? I'm not going to assume anything in him has changed --but maybe he's learned that he doesn't want to go back to prison bad enough to hurt someone else physically.


Stay safe. You are a very special person to a lot of us here.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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5 years ago  ::  Apr 19, 2009 - 4:51PM #7
Wmdkitty
Posts: 2,174

AFAIK, if he slips even a tiny bit, he goes back in, *but* I don't know what the conditions are other than staying the fuck away from me (and the rest of the housemates). I don't know what kind of supervision (if any) he's under, if they're doing UAs on him, or anything.

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment." -- George Carlin
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5 years ago  ::  Apr 19, 2009 - 9:52PM #8
karbie
Posts: 3,329

I just want the next person he messes up to be himself-big time! There is no excuse for what he did to you and especially no excuse for him to be walking around instead of in prison.


And they wonder why victims are afraid to come forward!!

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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5 years ago  ::  Apr 19, 2009 - 10:08PM #9
Wmdkitty
Posts: 2,174

Apr 19, 2009 -- 9:52PM, karbie wrote:


I just want the next person he messes up to be himself-big time! There is no excuse for what he did to you and especially no excuse for him to be walking around instead of in prison.


And they wonder why victims are afraid to come forward!!




I know, it's crazy, innit? All they do is give them a slap on the wrist, "don't do it again," and let them go. Meanwhile, there are women going to hospital -- every night, at any ER, you'll find us -- and some end up in the morgue because the boyfriend or husband is "punishing" her for *daring* to call the police

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment." -- George Carlin
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5 years ago  ::  Sep 25, 2009 - 9:09PM #10
klm
Posts: 520

Mar 15, 2009 -- 8:01PM, Wmdkitty wrote:


I just realized that my ex, from the moment we met, was grooming me for abuse.


He started out by putting me on a pedestal, and slowly chipped away at ME, at the very core of WHO I AM, slowly testing the waters to see if I was "ready".


This starts small, with verbal jabs, intentionally "forgetting" things, making little promises and then making excuses for not following through.  "I'll fix dinner tonight, it'll be really great!" followed by, "I didn't know you'd be getting home so late!" (And this was when he KNEW my class got out around 7, and the bus ride took another hour!)


Then it moves on to more significant verbal abuse, the emotional and mental destruction of the victim, which puts her in a state where she honestly thinks "it was MY fault he was angry -- I should have said/done X, Y, or Z!" Along with this, he will twist everything -- EVERY. LITTLE. THING. -- that happens to make *him* look like the poor, suffering victim, and nothing is EVER *his* responsibility, or *his* fault, NO, it's always SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT.


And then the violence begins. Oh, it may start with a shouting match here, a knock-down-drag-out scream-fest there, but it WILL escalate into actual PHYSICAL  VIOLENCE.


What I'm interested in is the psychology of the abuser, WHY do they do this? WHAT are they thinking? How do they justify this behavior? I mean, the fact that after the matter, they will buy/say/promise ANYTHING to get back with the victim shows quite clearly that they KNOW they're doing something wrong. And yet they just go and do it again?


 


  Someone is bound to ask what triggered this little outburst, yeah? For starters, the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna thing -- and Oprah is right. If he hits you once, he WILL do it again. On top of that, my ex is out of jail after a slap-on-the-wrist seven months, and I'm honestly TERRIFIED of what he will do to me, my housemates, our property, if he ever gets the chance. The third factor was a woman and her baby were brutally murdered in Ferndale about a week ago -- the prime suspect is the boyfriend. (Did I mention I *knew* her?) I am an angry woman, a pissed off SURVIVOR, who has seen far too much incompetence and laxity on the part of the police, prosecutors, and judges... and has not seen any justice done. 




so true, so true,  

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