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Switch to Forum Live View has anyone remembered abuse later?
9 years ago  ::  Apr 17, 2009 - 12:13PM #11
Posts: 10,165

I am not going to say that never happens because I don't know.  However, I do know that there have been innocent people accused of abuse due to false memories.  That is very serious.  Unfortunately, when a person is accused of such, even if proven innocent at a later date, they almost never completely get their reputation back.  So, I would tread with caution.

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9 years ago  ::  Apr 17, 2009 - 8:35PM #12
Posts: 2

Dearest Blueberry Angel and Friends,

I am so sorry for the shock and pain you have endured.  I just can't imagine what it is like to revisit those memories and to have new ones surface.  My heart goes out to you all.

With love and blessings,

Raga Sajani 

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9 years ago  ::  Apr 17, 2009 - 11:19PM #13
Posts: 1,799

Apr 17, 2009 -- 8:35PM, Ragasajani wrote:

Dearest Blueberry Angel and Friends,

I am so sorry for the shock and pain you have endured.  I just can't imagine what it is like to revisit those memories and to have new ones surface.  My heart goes out to you all.

With love and blessings,

Raga Sajani 

I was never phisically abused till after my mother's stroke~and she couldn't help me anymore~till then the kind of abuse I had gotten was all emotional abuse from my father.
His emotional abuse was to tell me that I wouldn't amount to anything in this world cause
I was heavy,that I was stupid. All of this stemmed out of the fact that I had Epilepsy and
that I wasn't "the perfect child he'd adopted~and that i wasn't his biologicial child"

But he leveled the worst abuse on me when he found out that I had Epilepsy~He said something that still wounds me to the core~it happened 49 years ago, but it seems just like
yesterday to me. The words are "right there up under my skin of my skull":
"I'll take you anywhere you need to go,I'll pay any bills that need to be paid,I will take you to
any and all doctor's appointments~anything you need for the child I'll do. Just one thing:
I don't want to have anything to do with her~she's your daughter,not mine"

Those words were a dagger in my heart and soul!
I had loved my dad~He and mom couldn't have children of their own~mother had a hysterectomy at the age of 26~so they adopted me when I was 1month old.
He was my father~better than my biologicial dad who skipped out on my birth mom in the
First trimester and then she gave me up at birth.
I loved him~he taught me stuff,taught me how to cook,opera and about other civilizations.

The words he said wounded me then and can still wound me today~at the thought of them!
The echo in my brain~I've never forgotten them or what they sound like~I can still hear his
voice in my head 49 years later!!!!!

You asked if you can forget something like that~the answer is NO.

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9 years ago  ::  Apr 19, 2009 - 1:52PM #14
Posts: 36

Hello, I wanted to share a Science Daily article from earlier this year clarifying that recovered memories are still being researched, and the scientific community hasn't made up its made about them. There is much about the mind that remains a mystery to science.

I'd also like to comment on trying to find answers from the past. Traditional psychoanalysts help people analyze their personal history, which has helped many people. But more modern approaches to psychotherapy start with wherever the client is now, today, and go from there. This modern approach is more consistent with Teachings that I've studied from around the world. For example, Teaching of the Buddha states, "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." And the Muslim Teachings of Rumi include, "The whole of life is now, is today, is this eternal moment."

The past is over. You can't go back and change the past. There is nothing for you in the past. All you have is this present moment and what you choose to do with it. Your power lies here, today, with your current thoughts and beliefs about who you are. The Teachings don't tell us to go back and try to dig up the past; they tell us to understand who we are today. Jesus said in the Gospel of Thomas, "When you know yourselves, then you will be known, and you will understand that you are children of the living Father. But if you do not know yourselves, then you live in poverty, and you are the poverty." And A Course in Miracles states, "The goal of the curriculum, regardless of the teacher you choose, is, 'Know thyself.'"

I offer these thoughts with love, and I honor the journey of everyone reading this!

Dr. Deb

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9 years ago  ::  Apr 19, 2009 - 2:01PM #15
Posts: 2

Abuse can happen to any age group and profession.  There's a lot of abuse going on in certain work places today and it traumitizes it's victims.  It is difficult to forget abuse no matter when it happens or where it comes from and there's not much we can do about it.  My best advice is what I do.  Let the Lord accomplish in my life what He will and He will take care of my enemies.

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9 years ago  ::  Apr 19, 2009 - 10:57PM #16
Posts: 137

with all due respect this didn't happen at work, this happened in  my own supposedly safe home when I was a very small child.  I am convinced that my own father is a pedophile and he has been living a lie and keeping this secret for decades. I believe he stopped abusing me and my sister before we could have remembered, and that dissociation also played a part. I still have no memories but i"m terrified of the day I actually have one and I still have to occupy the same house as he does and pretend like he is my loving father.  I have nightmares though, and they're horrible. In them,I feel strangely like I'm a little kid is not like I'm having a flashback so much as I really almost think like a kid would while I'm having the dreams.  I do not have the language I have now for intance in them.  I do not believe I'm crazy and THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for me to make this up....I have a lot of problems, and a lot of supposed symptoms of dissociation and past childhood sexual abuse and so does my sister, physical and emotional...but I do not want to blame my problems on anyone, if I can't find the heart to blame them all on my own self, I just blame them on God giving me difficult lessons.  I would give anything to not suspect this of my own "dad", I still love my dad, believe it or not and always will, but I don't even suspect any more, I KNOW.  I don't know how to explain this, but I am a very intuitive person and sometimes I just pick things up that others don't, but I do not base my theory on just my "intuitions".  He has also had episodes where he says "weird things" sometimes having to do with the subjects of children and sex, and others in my family and my "mental health professionals" have dismissed it as him saying it for "shock value" or that I was "reading into it"...but they have all admitted that they were "very weird comments".

I believe that he is a sick man, he has problems with paranoia.  I have read that certain mental diseases like paranoia and schizophrenia are more common in pedophiles than the general population.  Something about the wiring of the brain.  I also have to wonder what he is soooo worried about people finding out if he has nothing to hide and he is just an ordinary man that he does not even trust his own wife, my mom, with passwords to stuff on the computer and doesn't even write them down and keeps all paper work as perfect and organized as possible as if he never wants to get in any trouble..., even if it was conceivable that the government was monitoring him and there are bugs in our house. He could be just a very neat, organized person, I know, my sister takes after him that way, me I'm a mess and as disorganized as I can get.  But I'm telling you I'm finally realizing there is something very wrong here.  because of his history with the paranoia and because I have my own mental health issues, I have been dismissed as maybe having a touch of what he has (the paranoia or delusions), because I have his genes..but I have never claimed I have been abducted by aliens or anything out of the realm of very rational possibility.  I am a very open minded person, I believe in angels but many on this website do I know...I would not even be the type of person to scoff at a person who DID claim that they were abducted by aliens, I mean, who's to say...but what I'm saying is that I have never had any "symptoms" of having any delusions despite my other garden variety emotional problems of anxiety and depression.


anyway, I'm sorry I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't know what I'm gonna do, but with all due respect about not wanting to accuse innocent people and ruin their lives, right now I am more worried about innocent young lives getting ruined forever when I just sit back and do nothing because no one believes me and I happen to have no proof and i"m too lazy to figure out some other strategy.  I have to figure out a way to...figure this out.  My sister brother and I are all single right now.  For personal reasons I don't see myself ever getting married, but my sister and brother both have love interests that they are not with now and maybe have had problems with but you know it's the kind of thing where there is always a chance of trying sister got her heart broken by a guy that was somewhat emotionally abusive but I'm pretty sure he does genuinely love her so if he comes to his senses and works on himself and doesn't end up loving another girl more, there is always a chance, they have been very on and off through the years..  And my brother was serious with a girl who was ready to get married last year but he wasnt.  She is from another country but if my brother ever decides he's ready at some point before she goes back there...well it only takes 9 months to make a baby.  It sucks that I can't wish and pray for these things to happen because I'm so scared of that.  I have this feeling that my dad is counting on grandchildren because he is not like the kind of pedophiles they warn you about in school and on the net that are so smooth talking, he is awkward with everyone, adults and children alike.

So it may be that me and my sister were the only little girls he ever abused because he had easy access to us.  I've read also that there is a huge percentage of pedophile fathers that ONLY commit incest because actually many pedophiles are NOT smooth talking and actually are very awkward and are have social problems and very low self esteem.  which my dad has all of that. that is not to say that every nerd or wallflower guy is a pedophile of course.   But pedophiles that are like that may fantasize about it for years but never have the opportunity to act on their "urges" because they are not outgoing or risk takers by nature.

I know I must sound completely out of my mind when I have no proof or even a conscious, day time memory of this happening.  But I am not delusional and I don't go around accusing innocent people of terrible things, my own father least of all.

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9 years ago  ::  Apr 20, 2009 - 12:55PM #17
Posts: 3,329

Dear blueberryangel,

I BELIEVE YOU!!!  Besides that very "awkwardness" works better on many children than someone very smooth because it brings out their tender, protective side and they try to make that person feel better. Let's face it, making the giants pleased with you is a major survival instinct. You certainly learn that life is better if the "big people" are in a good mood than when they are angry before you have a lot of language skills. And as you pointed out, you and your sister were young, non-verbal, and handy. I'm just sorry that you were abused.

If your siblings marry, I can tell you plan on being their protective Aunt--God bless you for that, but the best course is to never let them spend the nights with your parents. That said, you are not responsible for anyone your father has or will hurt in his life due to not coming forward. His sins are his own--and since he's covered his tracks where you and your siblings are concerned, there isn't enough to convict him. Which doesn't mean it didn't happen or that you aren't suffering from it even now.

I actually understand why you still love your father; he wasn't a monster full time and he's still in your family life. As for denial--my Mother told me this summer my father never used a belt on my sister or me.  I beg to differ; I remember getting dragged out from under the bunkbed I was cowering under and him using a belt on us. I was 2 and my sister was 4. We were so desperate for help we asked our grandmothers to talk to him. The biggest shock was which Grandma came through. AND I remember his explaining to her how hard his hand was and that the inch wide thick leather belt he was using had more give than his hand, so he was using it to hurt us LESS. She didn't buy it, either. When Mother asked just where she had been and why she hadn't known, that was easy. She had to have a spinal fusion when my sister and I were 2 & 4 and was in a body cast for months afterwards. She may or may not have heard us screaming for help, but she couldn't have gotten there or stopped him. When I told her that whole conversation and even where it had taken place and where I had been standing at the time, all she could say was she hadn't known and was sorry.

  My parents' wedding was wrritten up at the time as an example of how a thrifty bride could manage her wedding costs. A few years after that, there was an update including the fact that they had waited and planned to have my older sister. We're about 2 years apart and I thought that I was planned, too. My father told me when I was a teenager that I had been an accident; I was a diaphragm baby, and he'd taken all those cold showers for nothing. It hurt. It still does because it changed my place in the family to me. Of course, he'd told me years before that he wished that I had died instead of my baby brother. No one was ever around when he was getting his digs in like that.

Did he love us? Yes. Did he have a bad temper? Yes. I understood him a lot more when I began to be in constant pain myself and when my husband was laid off for 4 years. The big deal with him was that he was so DETERMINED to "Wear the pants in the family"  because his mother was the one who wore them in his and he had hated watching Grandpa give in to her over and over. (After Grandpa died, Grandma asked me if I thought he'd ever been unfaithful because he gave a woman 2 rides home from the company Glee club. I told her "Absolutely not! he loved YOU!" which was completely true....I was just grateful the other thing I was thinking--that he knew she would have cut his balls off--didn't get spoken out loud.) Sorry if I offended anyone, but trust me, he would have had them fried for breakfast. And I honestly don't think the idea would have even occurred to him. He was literally giving her the shirt off his back because she was cold minutes before the ambulance came to get him and he died.

Marlene--I'm sorry that your father did that to you. My father at least never withdrew his love from me. He'd get angry, blow up, say rotten things, get it out of his system, and then you were supposed to be over it too. My sister paid me a huge compliment a few years ago--she used to be like that as well, but she said she'd never forgotten the day she blew up, told me she was sorry, and I refused to accept her apology. I apparently told her "Sorry doesn't get it. Sorry isn't an eraser and it isn't going to make the things you said get out of my mind or stop me from thinking about them." She said that I had shocked her back then and that her kids had benefitted from it. If I never gave them another legacy, that's a pretty good one.


"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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8 years ago  ::  Aug 14, 2009 - 11:55PM #18
Posts: 8

It wasn't untill I was much older that the abuse I suffered as a child came out.I was abused by an ex boyfriend and I started having flashbacks and I tried to take my life. After being in the hosiptal I saw a doctor who helped me put all the missing pieces together.i was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder I still suffer to this day because of the abuse I still suffer nightmares ect it is not easy to live with the childhood memories. Everyday I struggle. To many people feel that when your an adult your just suppose to get through it and get over it.unless you walk a mile in our shoes please do not judge us. I would not wish this on anyone!

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8 years ago  ::  Aug 15, 2009 - 12:56AM #19
Posts: 2,174

I hate it when people are like, "oh, get over it."

You don't just "get over" (in my case) being verbally abused day in and day out, knocked around, or forced to submit to sex, all by someone who is supposed to love and protect you. And the worst of it is the feeling of absolute betrayal of your trust.

As much as I'd like to forget what I've been through, I can't.

I hope the next girl my ex dates has the presence of mind to cut his balls off and stuff them up his nose.

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment." -- George Carlin
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