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9 years ago  ::  Feb 11, 2009 - 11:32AM #1
LadyOnAHarley
Posts: 2
My mother passed over March 30, 2008. Before she did, she made me promise to take care of my father. So, I promised. He wound up in the hospital severly dehydrated. They wanted to put him in a nursing home because he lived alone and there was no one to care for him.  I told them I was moving in to take care of him if they could just keep him a few more days allowing me time to move my stuff. I gave up my apartment, signed it over to my boyfriend, gave up my boyfriend, gave up my kids, and my life as I knew it and moved in.

He had colon surgery Oct 3rd. The surgeon said he got it all. So we just assumed he got all the cancer. When we went back to the doctor who did his colonoscopy, he said he doesn't understand why the surgeon always says that without explaining to his patients what he got all of. Well, what he did get all of was the mass that was blocking my father from going to the bathroom. What he failed to explain was the fact that the cancer had already spread before they removed it. He's in stage three. He also has Alzheimer's. He has bouts of violence, but, very rarely on the violence. He forgets he's in his own home and at times insists he's in someone else's home. He still does for him self, like going to the bathroom, fixing his own food at times, dressing him self. With all that he's good one day bad the next.  Yesturday morning he came down stairs and said to me,"I don't understand it. I know this is my house but, I don't know how I got here." The other night, my night aide said he was looking for his brother under the couch cushins. He's been like this for the last four or five days. His mind is starting to come back and he'll be good for a while until the Alzheimer's kicks in again.

So, I live in his finished off basement. Spend time on my computer. Have a very dull and at times depressing life.
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9 years ago  ::  Feb 14, 2009 - 6:16PM #2
Nomi69
Posts: 6,731

LadyOnAHarley wrote:

My mother passed over March 30, 2008. Before she did, she made me promise to take care of my father. So, I promised. He wound up in the hospital severly dehydrated. They wanted to put him in a nursing home because he lived alone and there was no one to care for him. I told them I was moving in to take care of him if they could just keep him a few more days allowing me time to move my stuff. I gave up my apartment, signed it over to my boyfriend, gave up my boyfriend, gave up my kids, and my life as I knew it and moved in.

He had colon surgery Oct 3rd. The surgeon said he got it all. So we just assumed he got all the cancer. When we went back to the doctor who did his colonoscopy, he said he doesn't understand why the surgeon always says that without explaining to his patients what he got all of. Well, what he did get all of was the mass that was blocking my father from going to the bathroom. What he failed to explain was the fact that the cancer had already spread before they removed it. He's in stage three. He also has Alzheimer's. He has bouts of violence, but, very rarely on the violence. He forgets he's in his own home and at times insists he's in someone else's home. He still does for him self, like going to the bathroom, fixing his own food at times, dressing him self. With all that he's good one day bad the next. Yesturday morning he came down stairs and said to me,"I don't understand it. I know this is my house but, I don't know how I got here." The other night, my night aide said he was looking for his brother under the couch cushins. He's been like this for the last four or five days. His mind is starting to come back and he'll be good for a while until the Alzheimer's kicks in again.

So, I live in his finished off basement. Spend time on my computer. Have a very dull and at times depressing life.


You have my condolences. My late father, had multiple strokes....that finally left him bedridden. Also affected him mentally. His whole left side was left immobile. He wanted his left arm, cut off, he said it didn't belong to him. He didn't understand what had happened, and why he could not get up. He was miserable until he finally died from pneumonia, in 2001. He recognized very few, including his own children. It is so sad to see your loved ones like that. I lost my husband, from COPD after a long time ill, in 1999....then my father, then in 2002, my mother was murdered. It has all left me totally spent...I took care of them all. My own health is very shaky, and I do good to make it from one day to the next. It can be very depressing. Were it not for my faith...I know I could not go on. I also spend a good bit of time on the computor too. Between it, and watching TV, about all I get done. I am in such bad shape....I am able to do very little, and my house shows it. So that is some ways I spend a lot of my time. AND it can get very depressing. I do hope you have a support system....I didn't....except for one sister, who, like me was also sick. I wish you well, and hope someway things might improve some for you. Best Wishes.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
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9 years ago  ::  Feb 14, 2009 - 7:37PM #3
LadyOnAHarley
Posts: 2
Wow you've been through a lot. Sorry to hear that. Sounds like me. Except no one killed my mother. OMG, did they ever catch who did it?

I lost my brother to Hepititus C back in 2004 at the age of 44, and my mother to cancer back in March this year. Now I'm the lucky one to sit and watch my father slowly deteriorate to eventual death. 
No, I don't have anyone. My sister who lives in another state was more interested in what she would be getting in the end. She said she was the one who gave them the least problems and should get it all. Well, of course she gave them the least problems when she disowned them for 23 years. So, I am pretty much doing this on my own.
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9 years ago  ::  Feb 18, 2009 - 7:44AM #4
i12cusmile
Posts: 1
My heart goes out to you. Remember always that your first commitment was/is/should be to your children until they are adults. If your mother could see how her request of you has negatively affected so many lives of those she loves, well... I know that as a mom, I would be taking it back... or clarifying exactly what I meant when I said '...take care of your father.' Because Alzheimers can only be slowed down temporarily by medication, the demands on the Caregiver will *inevitably* increase. Reconsider all options carefully. Whatever you decide, my prayers are with all of you. 24/7 caregiving is demanding, exhaustive and depressing when you have a dedicated partner to help. Doing it alone with the additional responsibilities of parenting children of any age... unimaginable!!! Before I sign off, I think it's important to remind you that it doesn't make you a horrible person or a failure for admitting that, even though you love your parents and you want to keep your promise, realistically you can't. Sometimes, for the sake of everyone impacted by our choices, we just have to accept our own limitations and hand the job over to someone else. Richest Blessings to you and yours...
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9 years ago  ::  Mar 08, 2009 - 10:56PM #5
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,799

LadyonaHarley:


I know from where you're at~I lost my mother when I was only 19 back in 1974.


She had an inopberable brain tumor similar to what SenTed Kennedy has~except his was


able to be operated on. I had to help my father take care of my mom, as he refused to put her into a  nursing home~ he had a hospital bed set up in our living room.


During the day we had help, in the form of The Visiting Nurse service but at night it was


just him and I~I thought I didn't have a life also.


What I didn't realize was I was going thorugh an ordeal that would make me stronger in the


end~and enable me to handle almost anything that came my way.


My mom's getting ill and leaving me at the time she did made me "grow up real fast"


I had to help do alot of things,like cook, do laundry,go shop,take care of someone who was


ill~and all the while keep a clear head and my temper in check. I also had to hold my tears


inside~and keep my feelings to myself, I couldn't let my mother see me cry.


See father never told her that she had Cancer or a tumor~he kept her "in the dark" he wanted to spare her~as he loved the ground she walked upon! She was his LIFE.


They were married 26 years when she passed away.


He lived another for 13 years .

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9 years ago  ::  Apr 14, 2009 - 2:02PM #6
dpatel
Posts: 339

(((hugs))) I'm praying for you. God bless

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9 years ago  ::  Apr 30, 2009 - 7:34PM #7
moon_luna
Posts: 1

I'm new to this forum also.  My husband is somewhere in the early stages of Alzheimers.  It's not so noticeable when we're at home but when we go out, especially to someplace new, I notice it a lot more, the hesitation, the fragility almost?  At home, he can seem OK much of the time except for the language lapses.


I'm trying to take it one day at at time so that I can live fully today.  We do laugh a lot and act silly.


Of course,  I'm scared of what's coming but it's not here yet.  I pray.  


It's hard to talk to him about it though.


moon luna

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