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5 years ago  ::  May 19, 2010 - 3:21AM #1
Marsha
Posts: 6

I really don't know where to begin. First let me state that my Mother didn't raise me or my 2 sister's or brother.


 We were her children from her first marriage, we wer placed in foster care for over 10 years and never really grew up with her. My Mother remarried and had 2 more chldren 2 sons.  I was always a "Momma's child" and tried to please my Mother, she didn't return the favor. She treasured my step-brother who is 22 years younger than I. He was raised by his Father as well as my Mother along with my other brother who is 20 years younger.


My Mother and step father spoiled my youngest step brother rotten, he always got his way. The rest of us ( siblings) were treated badly. When my step Father passed away, my Mother went from bad to worse, she basically gave all her income to my spoiled brother whiled she lived like a homeless person, her apartment was always "filthy" you would not believe the stench. Yet my brother would not lift a finger to clean anything!!!!! it was my sister who suffers from copd & on disability and me who had a right knee replaced, 4 discs jacked up in my back also on Disability, I've had 3  surgeries and I will never be able to work again. went over to clean my Mother's apartment. (ALSO MY HUSBAND)


We also made sure she had food to eat. My brother lived with my Mother all he cared about was her 2 checks she got each month, & our Mother cared less about what my sister and I did to make sure you was clean, had food to eat, and had all her meds. She eventually was forced out of her apartment because of the upkeep  Non payment of rent and filth!!! my sister and I could no longer physically do the cleaning to keep it up. She had no where to go!!! so my husband and I took her in.


Do you think she said thanks?? not in this lifetime.... and my brother continued with his games of finding ways to get her money.  My Mother was treated like a Queen in our home we redecorated our son' s room who had just moved out...we only got 2 weeks of being "empty nestersYell when my mother moved in. I cooked all her meals, washed all her clothes, made sure she got all her meds...she's diabetic & bipolar simply waiting on her hand and foot. she didn't have to lift a finger. When I told her that she had to give my husband and I food money of $250.00 a month she went bal listic!!!! her income is $1400  a month !!! her only bills were her meds $240.00 and a cell phone bill. 


I didn't even mention about how I played nurse because of her trouble with her "bowels& urine.... my husband and I are constantly cleaning and shampooing our carpet I"m washing clothes constantly because of soiled clothes and bed linens we're embrassed to invite company over because her "bedroom" smells to high heaven & she's aloof to my complaints. I'm pretty much out of my mind. She's been here 9.....long months. 


I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I'm trying now to get quardianship to take control of her checks to stop my brother. She has no insurance because of the "donut" clause. To top it all she doesn't appreicate nothing that I or my husband has done for her. My husband even told her once can't you even tell your daughter thank-you? and she responded....nope.   


So sorry this is so long..... I just had to get it off my chest....    Stessed Out

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5 years ago  ::  May 24, 2010 - 8:53PM #2
Barblc
Posts: 3

Marsha,


I cannot even imagine how you must feel. I did care for my husband for several years before his death, but even though he did make a point of telling me how much he appreciated it, there were days that I had to take an hour at a time or I wouldn't have made it. I do know that in time with no relief the amount of resentment will grow. Your 'mother' didn't have the place in your young life that you wanted and deserved. Your husband (no matter understanding) is your first priority. She had her life with her choices. You are over-worked, stressed and over-whelmed. You need to think about the rest of your life. Wherever you live, there should be some sort of elder or senior system as part of the county, city or state. Perhaps they would have some workable suggestions for your mother. She needs to live elsewhere! I realize this may sound cruel, but this situation is not fair to you, your husband or your children. They all need a wife and mother who is relaxed, calm and not so horribly overworked. I would hazard a guess that you don't see anything ahead of you but years and years of caregiving with absolutely no gratitude whatsoever, and no way out. This is a dreadfully bleak future and you deserve more. Perhaps there is a way, legally, to keep her money away from her son and used only for her needs. I also imagine that she would not be amenable to living elsewhere and would start in with "you're a bad daughter" or "how could you do this to me?" etc.  Seeing that she has a roof over her head (elsewhere), food and any necessary meds is basic, but to tell the truth, she has not earned any more than that. She had choices and at the time, you didn't. Now you do. Please, even if your siblings are no help, find or make a way to get your life back. To say this is not fair is quite an understatement. I know caregiving can be so draining and can (and usually does) lead to resentment. You don't need the rest of your empty nest years to be ones of cook, nurse, maid & laundress.  Barb

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5 years ago  ::  May 25, 2010 - 3:30AM #3
Marsha
Posts: 6

 


Hello Barb, First let me say thank you for being there for me!!! I really needed for someone to listen to me besides my husband. I know that he knows what I am dealing with, because he shares some of it. He tells me often how when he at work he prays for me....to let this day be better than yesterday. I often find myself feeling boxed in, and the weight of it all is getting to much to bear!!! my husband nit picks over nothing....( that's not even his personality) we agrue over the least little things. My sister, I'm feeling resentment towards her because she doesn't even offer to come over to help out, or ask... to just stay with our Mother so that my husband and I could getaway for more than 2 hours and just relax!!!


she's always put everything on me because I'm the eldest ( I can Handle it) she's living her life while I'm stuck not living any kind of life at all. I think that my sister is self-centered and I shouldn't have to even ask for help....she well aware of the things that I have went through with our Mother ( her Hygene)   It ticks me off that I am always put in the position of having to "ask people" when they are well aware of what's going on. My hands are tied because I don't have gardianship, I have an Attorney, which really put a strain on my limited income, and he's taking his time getting this process over and done with. Mother is set in her mind that I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do.


I tried to get her to go to assisted living ,she absolutly refused that!!!!! that's when I discovered she didn't have medicaid which she has to have in order for any facility to take her. Her insurance...AARP MEDICARE HORIZON is now in the (Donut Hole=the Gap) and she can't afford her meds untill she spends $4500 out of pocket. It just keeps keeping better........   I'm sorry to burn your eyes and ears off but I'm just drowning in a sea of don't knowwhat to do but smile to keep from crying.....


I would like so much for you to be my friendEmbarassed


.Marsha 

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5 years ago  ::  May 25, 2010 - 2:40PM #4
Barblc
Posts: 3

Dear Marsha,


I would so like to be your friend as well.Smile This is one of those times that I wish I had a magic wand to make things all better. I must tell you that you are in my prayers now every day. I really doubt that you would want a 'hand-wringing, pitying' response. You are a very strong woman and I can almost hear you saying, "no, I'm not". Anyone other than a strong woman would be wallowing in self pity and just moaning 'poor me'. That is not you. You have a legitimate and very real basis for feeling shoved in a corner and so overwhelmed. I don't want to sound intrusive, but, do you pray? The reason I ask is that I have discovered that many people who do pray and are placed in a position such as yours, it becomes very difficult.. That's pretty scary in itself. I imagine that if your husband is starting to react in the way he has, the situation is 'getting' to him as well. That being said, is there any way you can grab a few minutes for yourself and read something inspiring or comical? Or just sit outside or inside and take 10 minutes to close your eyes (and ears), breathe calmly and picture yourself somewhere you really like? Listening to music (only what you like) is also sometimes helpful. I mention these things only as gentle suggestions. I have tried them all. Sometimes they work and are helpful and other times...I might as well be banging my head on a wall.  I'm betting that your financial resources are tight and I don't know what state you live in, but is there any way you could have someone come in for a day or half day once a week? Here, in California, there are many companies that specialize in many levels of care. Everything from keeping an elderly person company to fixing a lunch to more intensive nurse type are. Prices vary widely and some here even go on a sliding scale basis.  This may all seem like the big 'impossible', but if you could somehow get your sister with the cost then perhaps it could happen. When my younger sister started having memory lapses and not taking her meds properly, both her 2 daughters and I really began to worry. 3 doctors said she should not be living alone. Of course her response was to be very defensive and insist that she was perfectly fine. We all suggested that someone come in part time to be with her. You would have thought we suggested she take in a serial killer! She had always been a neat freak and when she worked she was a whiz in the banking industry years ago. Not anymore. Finally, when she set the kitchen on fire in her condo her daughters were able to place her in a nearby board and care. It is a nice 2 story house in a nice neighborhood down in Orange Co. Her diagnonis is non-Alzheimers dementia. Sorry, I just realized I am rambling way off track. The point is, with some older folks, it is no longer up to them where they live because either they cannot correctly assess their situation or they don't care and are being very destructive where they are. Physical destruction is one thing, but emotional destruction is a whole different creature. Destruction of someone's marriage little by little is intolerable and absolutely unforgiveable. Nor should you bbe forced to endure a bleak future and giving up all the plans you might have made for your retirement years. I think if you can get conservatorship or guardianship, you will have taken a very big step toward freedom.  By the way, if your husband is feeling particularly neglected or 'pushed out' would he like a back rub? I bet you might.SmileSorry to muddle along for so long. Know that any time you want to 'vent' I'm here.  Vent away! Barb

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5 years ago  ::  May 25, 2010 - 11:18PM #5
Marsha
Posts: 6

Smile Hello Barb, today was a good day for me!!!!


I went to see one of my nieces get inducted into the Hall of Fame of her high school. I was so proud!!!! She lives in Washington DC and is an civil rights attorney. Today was a good day. I really appreciate your replies, it has helped me more than you know, and yes I do Pray as often as I can breath.... I am a very spiritual person and I believe in the power of the Man above.  Through him all things are possible. God will not bring you to it ,if he could  not bring you through it !!!! I am a firm believer in this.


It's just that my faith gets tested quite a bit. I do try to relax....listening to music, my favorite is Jazz, R&B, and of course Gospel. I also love to read. I love to sing....although I haven't had the time to do that in a very long time. I also paint....acrylic, water color. I draw with charcoals ( I majored in Music & Art).  My Favorite thing to do is "Cook" 


My profession was a Gourmet Chef.  I did this for over 30 years!!! I made food look like Art,  this is my true passion!!!! I retired because of health reasons. I also did catering... I am very well known for my Gourmet bread-pudding, I worked at the Famous Indianapolis Motor Speedway for over 9 years, I  cooked for all the race car drivers, and a lot of the celebrities like Paul Newman, Florence Henderson..she is crazy about my bread-pudding)  Princess Di's Uncle,  Jim Nabors, The author of  'The Cat In The Hat", and many others. 


 I enjoy cooking for family & friends and they enjoy my entertaining as well. I just haven't had that same "Joy" or "passion" because of what's going on with my Mother. My Husband and I had to even put off taking our vacation because of money I've had to spend for Attorney, and other things.  


I hope that you don't mind if I come here from time to time  to 'vent" and let you know what's going on.  


 My Friend  Barb  thank-You     


Marsha

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5 years ago  ::  May 26, 2010 - 1:27AM #6
Barblc
Posts: 3

Good evening, Marsha,


I am so happy to hear about your good day. You deserve many, many more. When you have a day when you get really 'down', try to remember all the things you felt today. You must be so proud of your niece. It will probably be hard further down the road, but it will be a nice memory. It sounds like you have had a full and busy life. I am very impressed with your obvious talents. Big time cooking, art? wow! Please don't let go of your dreams and keep trying to 're-feel' (don't know if that's a word or not. Doubt it.) the joy and passion you have felt in the past. It is all still inside waiting to come out.   You mentioned being an empty nester; children? how many? Don't feel obligated to provide answers; I am interested and not just a prowling nosy-body.Smile If you want to ask me any questions, feel free.  I have thought of you often these past 2 days and pray that you are closer to finding peace and, on a more practical note: can see a light at the end of the tunnel with the upheavel you're experiencing with your mother. Barb

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5 years ago  ::  May 26, 2010 - 7:21PM #7
Marsha
Posts: 6

Cool Hello Barb, As you can see I'm still feeling the glow from yesterday....Wink so far, so good. I'm in better spirits today and no I don't mind telling you, my husband and I have 3 "grown son's 39, 33 and 25. The eldest lives in Chicago married with 2 teenage daughters and is in the Music industry.


Our middle son also married has a daughter & son also lives in Chicago but travels the globe...is in the computer field and last but not least is the youngest, he is still single still lives here in Indianapolis, close by us about 10 minutes away....(lol) he's the one that said when he was 5 that he wasn't moving out till he was 45!!!! a true moma's child. 


I will see light at the end of the tunnel when I finally get guardianship, and figure out a way to get some help to relieve me 1 or 2 days a week so that I can have some alone time for myself.   Enough about me...are you married? if so how long ? how many children, Grandkids. tell me about you.     


Have a Blessed Day 


 


 Marsha 

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4 years ago  ::  May 27, 2010 - 5:30PM #8
jesusfreakgal
Posts: 938

TThis partially reminds me of a lady I looked after. It wasn't the lady that was a problem, but her sister (and her sister wasn't the lady's power of attorney). I don't what it was, but the sister really did not like me. AND, the clients power of attorney thought I was great with the lady. The strange thing was that I looked after this client 24 hours a week (live in). The sister chose to come over EVERY Sunday (when I was there). She wasn't mean to my face, but she would snoop and stuff and make little comments about this and that. A few times she tried to have me turfed out of the place, only to have the power of attorney call my work and tell them that she did not have the leagal authority to 'fire' me. The power of attorney/ friend could never understand why the sister would always chose to come visit the client when I was there, since she did not like me.

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4 years ago  ::  May 27, 2010 - 5:32PM #9
jesusfreakgal
Posts: 938

If you could afford to help her out, could you put her in a nursing home? Just a suggestion. This way she will get all the care she needs without you having to do it.


JFG

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4 years ago  ::  May 28, 2010 - 2:53AM #10
Marsha
Posts: 6

Hi JFG,


No I'm not able to afford to put my Mother in a nursing home. It's just getting her to keep herself clean!!!! she is able-bodied gets around very well for a woman of 74, she's bipolar and the medication she takes she just sleeps alot. Her daily routine is watching tv, eating. sleeping, taking her meds, sleeping, watching tv, eating, sleeping...etc   you get the picture.


 My Mother was an out-going person she never sat in the house couldn't stand it !! she was always on the move. Her illness has totally shut her down, she is not motivated to do anything....including taking care of her hygiene it's a daily chore making sure and asking her to shower and telling her to dispose of her depends which she will leave in her room if I don;t make her throw them out!!!! this kind of stuff is what drains me as well as my husband.

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