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Switch to Forum Live View my mom died suddenly
3 years ago  ::  Feb 02, 2012 - 12:16PM #11
Bf1964
Posts: 2

Feb 2, 2012 -- 12:47AM, karbie wrote:

I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm sure that making it to work and back takes every ounce of energy you posess at the moment. My mother had pretty much devoted her life to my Grandma, who lived to be over 100. When I came in to town, the first thing she said to me was "Oh, good, you're here! Now I can go because you're here to take care of your mother."


Even when we know that we are close to losing someone, or they can go anytime, it doesn't mae it easier when it happens. I lost my father when I was 19 and he was only 47 himself. He'd been a heart patient for years, but I wasn't prepared in any way for his death.


Here's something to remember--you didn't fail either of your parents in any way. You were there for them, took care of them, and not only prolonged their lives, but gave them the love and devotion that few adults give their parents or children for that matter. A family friend was buried this week; it took the Meals on Wheels people to see how weak and sic she was and call 911 for her. By then the doctors discovered that her esophagus had been completely closed for at least 4 days. She got more attention from my sister-in-law and my nephew than she did from her own adult sons. It wouldn't have taken much to make her happy--one call a week would have meant the world. We sent her birthday cards every year and she'd cry with happiness just to be remembered.


That didn't happen to your parents because of you, and because you were obviously raised with love to be able to return it so fully. I don't know if this will help you or not. Just a few days before Grandma died, she had a dream that she was at a huge party with all the people she had known, loved, and missed. After a while, she began to notice how huge the room was, and that the colors wre more magnificent than any she'd ever seen on Earth. She realized that she could only be in Heaven. Waking up the next morning in her worn out body didn't exactly thrill her. We were with her when she died. Once we discovered she could squeeze our hands even if she couldn't talk, Mother, my sister and I all got to tell her how much we loved her, what she'd meant to us, and that it was okay to let go and go back to her party.


I was terrified by death when my father died. When his father died years later, he gave me a final gift. One afternoon I was suddenly wrapped around in a feeling of love that was absolutely Grandpa. I didn't get the call telling me he had died 150 miles away until about 10 minutes later. He showed me that who we are and who we love goes on after death. You still have a place to send your love, and I can tell you without doubt that your mother still loves you just as much. Probably more since she is no longer ill or in pain.


Yes, I still cry over Grandma because I still miss her. I had been doing that over the weekend--and I found her lip balm, hearing aids, and a note from her on the same day. I have the hearing aids because they fit my ears perfectly. Besides while I was still staying with Mother, they kept showing up in my suitcase no matter where else I put them in the room. So I thanked her.


there's a psychic streak in my family--my niece actually sees people, although I don't know how I'd handle that one. I know that every time you think of your mother with love, she knows it. All we lose when someone dies is their body and of course being able to see them and touch them. That's incredibly hard to face. If it hurts too much to live in that home, consider renting it and staying someplace else. Try to find a support group with people who have lost a parent. I'd invite you to check out the Depression forum, or to see if there is a group here that does more along the faith and prayers side of beliefnet-the "Home" side.


I think that you are an amazing person to have done all you did, and a fantastic daughter to devote so much of your life and time to your parents. I'll be checking back on you because I don't want you to feel so alone.


I went ahead to look myself-on the Home side, there's a forum that deals with Transistion rituals, which offers multi-ffaith ways to help with the daily grieving process, including one on losing a parent. I didn't want you to have far to look for compassionate help.


Thanks for your encouragement, I really appreciate it.  I have found an awesome support group that meets near my house, and there are several women in it who cared for their mothers until they died.  I feel blessed to have found them.   I will also look at the groups you mentioned.



Thanks again for your kindness!

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 04, 2012 - 4:03AM #12
karbie
Posts: 3,329

I'm glad that you found a support group so close to you--it means you can get to know how others are coping. Just being with people who understand we don't recover in the 3 days off a business gives you is a blessing.


Thank you for letting me know that you'd found a group. I'm still here if you need me--I just wanted you to know that you had been heard. It's hard enough to lose those we love without needing to go it alone as well.


"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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3 years ago  ::  Apr 17, 2012 - 7:30PM #13
Kittyandminnie
Posts: 1

Jan 26, 2012 -- 4:25PM, Bf1964 wrote:

My mom died on January 7th.  She had an aneurysm on her heart and an aortic dissection.  She had been sick with various illnesses for the past 10 years, but had always been so strong and recovered from everything.  I had moved back home when my father became ill.  He died, and since then I've lived with my mom and cared for her.  I just can't believe my mom is dead.  I know it's true, but my heart just feels like it's been ripped to shreds.  We were so close, we were best friends.  


How do I keep going on?  How do I make a life for myself, when for the past 10 years my life has centered on caring for her?  I just want to roll into a little ball and die.  I think about getting up in the morning and it's almost more than I can stand.  I go to work, but I feel disconnected from everything and everyone around me.  Grief comes in waves, crashing over me.  I feel sick.  I've lost 12 pounds under 3 weeks.  I don't know how to handle this.  I've cried until I think I'm all out of tears, then the tears start again.  I read about how one day the pain will fade and I'll have a new, different life, but right now all I know is that I miss my mom and I want her back.  I can't have her back, and it breaks my heart.  


bf1964


I totally understand your pain. I lost my mom Jan 21st of this year. You are describing excatallyy how i feel. I thought I was alone. Have you found any help ? do you think theres a way we can help each other ? Let me know. You are in my prayers.


Kitty

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