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Switch to Forum Live View When Other People Want to Help
9 years ago  ::  Jun 16, 2008 - 3:58PM #1
BeliefnetLilit
Posts: 10
One thing that's hard when you're a caregiver is saying no to someone. If a person wants to bring over food, even if you're stuffed and there's no room in the fridge, you feel guilty saying no.

That's why I just published this article about how to bring food over to a grieving/sick/injured person's home:
http://www.beliefnet.com/gallery/foodforgrieving.html

It is now something I can send to people when they volunteer to help. In the long run, it's more useful for both of us. I hope it can be useful for all of you, too.
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9 years ago  ::  Jul 10, 2008 - 8:33PM #2
JenellY
Posts: 15
I've never figured out where people get the idea that the thing to do to 'help' is to bring food! How much better to simply ask, 'how can I help?' and be ready to follow through when with what is needed.
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9 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2008 - 5:23AM #3
Nomi69
Posts: 6,731
[QUOTE=JenellY;616847]I've never figured out where people get the idea that the thing to do to 'help' is to bring food! How much better to simply ask, 'how can I help?' and be ready to follow through when with what is needed.[/QUOTE]

It helps. My sister and I would have loved help, any kind.....but we got none.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
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9 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2008 - 5:23AM #4
Nomi69
Posts: 6,731
[QUOTE=JenellY;616847]I've never figured out where people get the idea that the thing to do to 'help' is to bring food! How much better to simply ask, 'how can I help?' and be ready to follow through when with what is needed.[/QUOTE]

It helps. My sister and I would have loved help, any kind.....but we got none.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
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9 years ago  ::  Jul 22, 2008 - 11:29AM #5
mountainrrman
Posts: 6
People want to help, but they do not know what to do.  So they use food as an icebreaker.  When people volunteer to bring food, I thank them and take the food.  Then I ask them to pray for us.  I tell them that of all the things they can do for us, prayer is the best thing that we need.  I even ask them to ask their friends to pray.
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9 years ago  ::  Jul 25, 2008 - 9:35PM #6
Juniper2
Posts: 1
I understand the desire to help in some way when a friend or neighbor is going through a rough time.  Providing precooked meals is one way of helping.  Also useful is helping with the jobs that need doing - washing dishes - cleaning up the kitchen and bathroom - cutting the grass.  Sending a condolence card is cool - and going to visit to listen to their pain without judgement.

These are the things I do but I have very little experience of the kindness being returned.   I have lived in the same small community for over thirty years and have mostly been ignored when times were hard.  (I have lived through the deaths of my parents, parents in law, sister and brother as well as having an adult child seriously and permanently hurt in an accident).  In all that time I have received three visits, six sympathy cards and one basket of fruit.

I appreciate and remember each of those small acts of kindness.
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9 years ago  ::  Jul 25, 2008 - 9:46PM #7
itty
Posts: 2,949
One thing I have found as I  have gone through the grinder that is cancer is that I really don't answer the question, "How can I help?" very well. I have been so overwhelmed with diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, the healthcare system and all that goes with it. To try to tell a wonderful and well meaning loved one where I need help is simply one more thing to think about.  As wonderful as the gesture is, well, it is more stress.

The best way to help is to do. Just as Juniper suggested- precooked meals, do a sinkful of dishes, run a load of laundry through, vacuum, sweep, clean the bathroom. Sometimes just sitting in silence, blessed silence is all that is needed.

Juniper my heart goes out to you. I wish for you kindness and caring.

Jo
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9 years ago  ::  Jul 25, 2008 - 11:58PM #8
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,799
[QUOTE=JenellY;616847]I've never figured out where people get the idea that the thing to do to 'help' is to bring food! How much better to simply ask, 'how can I help?' and be ready to follow through when with what is needed.[/QUOTE]
JenellY6:
Bringing food to one's house when they are ill or they are caring for someone who's ill is the way a person
feels that he/is is being a "comfort/help?" to someone~where do you think the term "comfort food" originated???
I agree with you when you say "How can I help? is the proper way to show how concerned one is~ but many
people don't really think of saying that~ they find it easier to bring food,wether it be a casserole or a cake!
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9 years ago  ::  Oct 31, 2008 - 1:26AM #9
parkin
Posts: 490
I trying to figure this one out.  When someone says 'how can I help?', I figured the best thing to do is ask for something specific you need.  But then I've developed another situation - that some people offer help without any intention of following through.  So when you ask for something specific - even something pretty small - it may be more than what they're willing to do.  And then they feel trapped into saying 'no' or doing it.  I don't want anyone to feel on the spot either. 

But I also believe that if people really do want to help, they want to actually help and not do something that really isn't necessary. 
I'm thinking maybe the best thing would be to list three things and have one of them be to pray - something everyone can do without much effort, but then not be put on the spot?
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