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Switch to Forum Live View What is normal after your child dies?
4 years ago  ::  Sep 06, 2010 - 2:31AM #41
karbie
Posts: 3,329

I'm sorry that you've lost your daughter. I think it's totally unrealistic for anyone to be the same or the family to be the same after such an unthinkable event.


I don't know if what I'm about to say will help you or make you think I'm a flake, but on the chance it gives you any comfort it's worth it to me. I was always afraid of death--I was only 19 when my father died at age 47. I still had both sets of grandparents. When his father died, Grandpa said goodbye. I was suddenly wrapped around in a sensation of total love that couldn't be anyone but Grandpa. I got the call telling me he had just died 150 miles away just about the time that wave of love hit me. I haven't been afraid of death since then. Grandpa let me know that who we are and the love we have for people doesn't end with death--which was a pretty good final gift.


there's a psychic streak in my father's side of he family, although mine seems to go more on the tactile/intuitive side. When you think of your daughter with love, she knows it. She still comes around all of you.


I lost my last Grandma in 2008; I was there when she died, at 100+ years old. I've felt her hand on my shoulder when I was in the hospital. I was awake because the fire alarms went off at 3 AM. For her to have had her hand on my shoulder, she'd have had an IV pole sticking through her. I've known that touch my whole life.


As to personality survivng...my son had cooked dinner for us and promised to do the dishes afterward. Then of course he was tired, so I ended up taking care of them although I'm not in good shape physically. He came back downstairs and into the kitchen when I was on the 3rd and final sink of dishes. He just got a drink and started to leave. I was surprised when he turned back and ofered to finish the dishes but didn't stick around. the next morning he told me that he was almost to the stairs when a thought popped in his head "Did you see all the things in the sink you left for your Mother?" Now, he's never called me Mother...but when he asked me if that thought had been from Grandma, I agreed that it was. It was absolutely her phrasing, too.


Or as a deceased friend told my sister-in-law--"I'm just dead. I'm not gone". I had an anniversary card from that friend fall out of my cookbook bookcase a week before out anniversary. She'd been gone for a few years then. We don't turn into angels, but are the people we are on the inside less all the pain and confusion we have to put up with here. If you want to have a mental conversation with her or just to talk to her--she will hear you.


I know that doesn't stop the pain. Grandma had been frightened one afternoon that the reason she was still here on Earth was because she wasn't good enough to get into Heaven. Mother finally eased her mind by telling her that if for some reason Grandma didn't go to Heaven, Mother would find out where she was and would be with her when she died herself. A few nights later, grandma dreamed that she was at a huge party with all the friends and family who had gone before her there. After awhile, she realized that there wasn't anyplace on Earth with such magnificent colors and beauty and that she must be in Heaven. She wasn't real thrilled to wake back up in her worn out body. She died just a few days later, and my mother, sister and I all got a chance to tell her how much we loved her and that it was okay to let go and go back to her party.


Don't worry about anything you wish you'd told her because she does know it.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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4 years ago  ::  Oct 02, 2010 - 11:45PM #42
Peter10024
Posts: 1

I'm very sorry for your loss and my sincere sympathy and prayers are with you.  I haven't experienced the same loss, so i can only offer my sympathy.  I don't think there is anything harder to bear than the loss of a child. 


Nature/God makes the bond between mother and child so strong,  a mother would lay down her life to protect her child.     When you lose a child and the bond is broken, it tears the heart.


At least please know you did nothing wrong. We always think we could have done better or chosen another path and things would be different.  But we do the best we can, always. 


I wish you well.  I wish you love and light. 

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