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Switch to Forum Live View What is normal after your child dies?
6 years ago  ::  Jun 03, 2008 - 11:40PM #1
azsummer2003
Posts: 19
I wrote the following. I hope it explains how many of us parents feel since we have lost a child.

What is Normal after your child dies?

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, X-mas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Passover.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything anymore.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving the accident continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every boy who looks like he is Taylor's age. And then thinking of the age he'd would be now. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of your "normal."

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your childs's memory and their birthdays and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special Taylor loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son, Taylor.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
NOTHING.
Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare.

Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing you do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child. 
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for G-d.
"G-d may have done this because…"

I know Taylor is in "heaven," but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why a fantastic young man was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that Taylor is dead.
And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed the dead child.

Normal is asking G-d why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a G-d.

Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day nor a million years.

Normal is having therapists agree with you that you will never "really" get over the pain and that there is nothing they can do to help you because they know only bringing back your child back from the dead could possibly make it "better."

Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You've learned  it's easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it's probably never going to get any better -- ever.

And last of all...

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."

Please light a candle for my son here:   www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 04, 2008 - 2:14PM #2
azsummer2003
Posts: 19
Has anyone here lost a child and can you relate to what I wrote, or am I alone in my feelings? It would be good to know because I feel as though I am not healed - at ALL.
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 04, 2008 - 7:08PM #3
Gryphon411
Posts: 14
Hello...I lost my son to pre-term labor at 24 weeks in my pregnancy. He lived 22 days, survived three surgeries but ultimately came into this world too early to endure. Our losses are very different, and I went on to have two wonderful kids. Recently, I lost my husband and am marching on alone with my two young kids. I know loss, but yours has surely touched me today. I visited Taylor's web site and am overwhelmed by the enormity of your loss. I share many of your feelings about my lost child; I still find myself looking for kids about his age and wondering how my son would fit in to that picture. In his short life, he taught me so much, but I have learned a lot from your son as well. Thank you for sharing him with me. I wish you peace and strength in knowing you provided him with life's greatest gift: the feeling of love and the knowledge that he was loved. Ellen
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 04, 2008 - 9:19PM #4
Nomi69
Posts: 6,731
[QUOTE=azsummer2003;543417]Has anyone here lost a child and can you relate to what I wrote, or am I alone in my feelings? It would be good to know because I feel as though I am not healed - at ALL.[/QUOTE]

Lost her son when he was fourteen years old. He drowned. She only had one girl, and him. This was back in the 60's. She still feels loss, after all these many years. I can  relate somewhat to your pain. My mother was murdered in 2002. A close family member was convicted for it. These kinds of losses we are never prepared for. Of course we do figure we will not outlive our children. You have my utmost sympathy. We learn to live with these terribly, sad losses, but the pain is never too far away. I would encourge you to read the Bible some...especially the Psalms. There is a lot of comfort to be found there. Take care.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 05, 2008 - 2:30AM #5
azsummer2003
Posts: 19
thank you for listening, I miss my son so much.

www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 07, 2008 - 3:48AM #6
azsummer2003
Posts: 19
[QUOTE=Nomi69;544274]Lost her son when he was fourteen years old. He drowned. She only had one girl, and him. This was back in the 60's. She still feels loss, after all these many years. I can  relate somewhat to your pain. My mother was murdered in 2002. A close family member was convicted for it. These kinds of losses we are never prepared for. Of course we do figure we will not outlive our children. You have my utmost sympathy. We learn to live with these terribly, sad losses, but the pain is never too far away. I would encourge you to read the Bible some...especially the Psalms. There is a lot of comfort to be found there. Take care.[/QUOTE]

My goodness! I am so sorry you have had to go through such an experience!  I do not know if I would have the strength to not seek revenge.  I believe your grief is as real and deep as mine.  Different, but equal.  Thank you for your kind words.
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 07, 2008 - 3:55AM #7
azsummer2003
Posts: 19
[QUOTE=DONNA T;544887]I Too Lost My Son, He Died From Cancer On My Birthday In 2002 , Its Been 6 Years But It Feels Like It Just Happened. What You Wrote Is So True, I Feel The Same Why About My Son, He Would Have Been 29years Old, My Other Children Were Affected Horrible, My Daughter Who Was Close In Age With Him , Will Not Let Go I'm So Worried About Her, She Crys All The Time . She Is Married With 2 Children Of Her Own ,my Son Died When Her Oldest Was Just A Baby. She Turned To Durgs To Try And Stop The Pain, It Breaks My Heart Everyday When I See Her, The Hurt Is Still In Her Eyes. I Don't Know How To Help Her, I Csn't Help Myself. If It Wasn't For God In My Life I Don't Know What I Would Do. Please Pray For My Daughter And My Other Two Sons They All Need God's Touch. Remeber You Are Not Alone . I Still Miss My Billy And Cry For Him All The Time, Poeple Told Me Time Will Make It Easier Well, I Guess They Never Lost A Child, Because Time Doesn't Make It Easier At All It Never Goes Away. Thank You For What You Wrote It Mirrors My Feelings Also.[/QUOTE]

Donna,

You have my deepest sympathies.  To have to grieve a dead child and try to heal a suffering daughter must be so draining for you.  I'm not usre I would be able to have the strength to pull through. Donna, I will ask my prayer group to pray for you, you indeed need support.

No, unfortunately our pain does not just magically disappear as others hope it would.  It does linger, but as Gyyphon so eloquently stated, it is good for us to redirect our pain. 

Nothing and no one can take our pain away, it is our cross to bare.  We must carry our sorrows with us and try to do the best we can -- for ourselves. 

Bless you for taking the time to answer my post.
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 07, 2008 - 6:49PM #8
Nomi69
Posts: 6,731
[QUOTE=azsummer2003;549159]My goodness! I am so sorry you have had to go through such an experience!  I do not know if I would have the strength to not seek revenge.  I believe your grief is as real and deep as mine.  Different, but equal.  Thank you for your kind words.[/QUOTE]

Sadly, this person was very ill herself, had breast cancer. Had to have surgery and radiation while going thru a terrible trial. Cancer was in her left breast. She now has one in the right one. She is even sicker now. Quite likely the cancer has returned. Yes, it is very hard. Losses like these take a great deal out of us to deal with. Life is never quite the same. I miss my mother every day...but this family member, grieves continually over the tragic event, and no doubt always will.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 11, 2008 - 7:59PM #9
MichellesMom
Posts: 51
Hello.  I lost my daughter on July 5, 2006.  People do not understand that you do not get over this as you do other deaths.  This was not suppose to happen.  Yes, I still cry every day.  I miss her so much.  Its like something came in and scooped out your insides and then put a thin layer of your skin over it just so the outside world won't see what is really going on inside.  The only thing that feels like it is still there is my heart because it hurts so much. 
I read your poem, very similar anyway, in my current issue of the Compassionate Friends newsletter.  It is very touching and how true.  I could substitute my daughter Michelle's name in with ease.

The passage in the Bible I have found most comforting is Isaah 57:1.  I do not understand why God allowed my child to go home but maybe it has to do with this verse.  I pray now to accept what I will never understand while I am still on this earth. 

I started the My Daughter is Gone thread.

Prayers for all,

Michelle's Mom
Hilda
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 29, 2008 - 7:21PM #10
allie6
Posts: 1
[QUOTE=azsummer2003;543417]Has anyone here lost a child and can you relate to what I wrote, or am I alone in my feelings? It would be good to know because I feel as though I am not healed - at ALL.[/QUOTE]
i just lost my daughter 3 months ago and don't want to get up in the morning
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