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Switch to Forum Live View Caregiver having to give it all up
6 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 4:41PM #1
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=angelontherun;498148]My name is Karyn, don't let anyone tell you to put your boyfriend on the backburner, you need him for emotional support.  You my dear, are only one person,  don't let family members guilt you into doing anything.

What you do need to do is take time for yourself or you will burn out.  Have you ever meditated, for your own well being, please find at least 5 minutes in the morning to start your day, more if you can.  Sit, or ly down in a quiet area, close your eyes, breathe in slowly, and exhale slowly, getting out all the bad energy inside, and stress inside.  While your eye's are still closed, invision a white light is surrounding you.  This envokes the angels to surround you, and keep you safe, from any negative energy, (meaning, people, places and things) that will drain you and leave you flat.  Please do this for as long as you can, open your eye's.  Look out side at nature, thanking Him for all he's blessed you with.  Even those disgruntled family members of yours.  Looking at nature, is looking at God.  Remember He created you out of love, in His image, and you are an extension of God which means love.

Call on your angels to help you, the law of the Universe is one of Free Will, they are there to help you, but won't unless you ask them to.  My angels have been helping me all my life, they are always here for me, tell them you love them and thank them.   Although it seems you have such a cross to bear, He never gives us more than we can handle.  Ask for His guidance in all you do, and do all things in life His way.  I will pray for you little one and your family, remember, God puts people, places, and things in our lives to strengthen us.

You deserve a medal for being a firefighter, and taking on all He's given you, you are strong and will be rewarded later.  May the Hand of God be with you always, love,

Karyn[/QUOTE]
Some have a calling to provide help and comfort to others and some do not. That's just the way it is and ethics, common sense, intelligence and judgement should tell one to accept it and leave matters of life & death, sickness, illness, health, medicine and caregiving to qualified professionals. Acceptance, adaptation, adjustment belongs in the areas of grief, loss, depression and anger. imo
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6 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 4:25PM #2
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=Greenman;503211]Rogue,  as you have learned you cannot do this alone and you can't depend on your family for enough help. There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help so I am going to suggest the following.
You need professional help from a Social Worker but sometimes it's hard to find one. I would start by asking your doctor or hospital for a social work referral. If they can't help you go to your Fire Fighter Union Rep or chaplain, he or she will be able to help. A social worker will be able to help you find nursing care and home health care as well as help finding funding. (Including Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security.)
Secondly, and just as importantly. Ask your doctor for a referral to a psychotherapist. Meet with him or her and ask them to help you work through the depression you are experiencing. Remember, depression is a natural part of being under the kind of stress you are experiencing, it is nothing to be ashamed of. He or she might feel you'll benefit from short term use of anti-depressants. Under a doctor's care medicines can be a life saver.
And finally.....you can't please all of your family members. When they criticize you can ask them if they'd like to take over. They won't. They want to criticize and complain not give care. Remember that if you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to take care of anyone else. Good luck and God bless.[/QUOTE]
Caregiving isn't neccessarily a newer or more humane alternative to traditional professional health care. Caregiving or caregiver can be an overused and exploited cliche. Professionals with degrees and proven ethics are still the best alternative. "Caregiving" is an unproven ambiguous term open to debate and discussion. Not all can get well or improve with home health care or helpful support from someone who isn't a professional. Helpful friends and family or non-professional, non-traditional intervention is what could have made them sick in the first place, IMO.
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6 years ago  ::  May 09, 2008 - 7:14PM #3
RogueHistorian
Posts: 4
Let me introduce me to begin with, Im 31, I live with my parents (due to financial reasons soon to be remidied) work two jobs as a firefighter and am one of 3 surviving children.  (one sis lives 12 miles away the other 12 hours away).  I have a boyfriend, whom I love dearly and who has been in my life for almost a year now (a record for me and a miracle because no one wants to date a female firefighter... I digress)
Anyhow life was going pretty good last year until August 13th.  My mom (age 64 now) fell and broke her knee cap.  Not a big deal the docs said, we'll fix her right up and she'll be as good as new.
Wrong.
She spent 54 days in the hospital with a wound that wouldnt heal.  They sent her home with a huge gaping hole in her leg where we could see the bone and all the hardware. The skin grafts didnt work, the HBO chamber damaged her hearing, and the bone was slow to heal.  VERY SLOW.  My dad and I have never really gotten along, but after mom's fall we have been fighting like crazy.   My stress levels were up in the fall, and I was crying all the time.  I refuesed to let the boyfriend know how bad it was at home at that time (later at the suggesstion of my preacher I did but I'll get to that)  My dad put alot of the keeping mom  on he and I.  My youunger sister "mary" was pregnate and then she had a c section so she couldnt help the family said. So it was just me and dad and my grandfather some but my grandmother was in a nursing home after a major stroke several years ago.....  I was trying to work and be the house keeper and alot more.... My job was suffering and all my family would say was "screw your job family is all that matters".  I have to work to pay bills DUH!  I tried to get out on my own, but money was a huge issue.  (that pesky credit card should be paid off in december/january so then I might just be able to make it on my own with my two jobs)
In December of last year, mom went back into the hospital for 73 more days with a bone infection.  She had just about given up.  My younger sister "mary" brought her new baby to cheer her up to no avail. Finally we got her to want to try and she came home.  She was doing better, getting around with a walker and we have a sitter a couple days a week so dad and I can work.   (dad has his own business and works lots of hours) ANYHOW, my younger sister wasnt really helping me keep mom and dads house up when she came to sit with mom she just played with the baby and when he slept she did too.  Id come home and the place would be a wreck.  To top it off Dad and I still fought and he went around and told every one that I dont do anything, he wants me to quit my second job (I already quit my volunteering that I loved dearly)  and he puts me on constant guilt trips telling me that I "dont want to help" and that he doesnt care whos feelings he hurts or whos toes he steps on all that he cares about is momma.....
Well so its been going, then my grandmother had another stroke and died the following week.  (it was moms mom) My older sister "Kara" came in for the funeral AND dad's knee replacement surgery.
I told mom at this point that I was maxed out, that I couldnt handle any more.  I was emotionally and physically exausted. 
Dad had his surgery that monday, mom fell from her walker on wednesday and broker her hip.  That was last week.
Dad is doing great, mom is doing fair she is not really trying to do therepy.
Im about to have a nervous break down.  My sister was with her when she fell so at least I didnt get blamed. 
Kara spends the night at the hospital with her, my aunt "sara" comes by often and visits, and I go by as I can.  With working 24 hr shifts every third day and 8hr shifts the others, I dont get much time off. 
THe family is trying to tell me that my days off from both jobs is theirs to plan. Im already on edge and need a break.  I told them this, its been almost a year, the stress is about to get me fired, my boyfriend is fed up with the entire situation and is kinda backing off now, and Im about to loose what mind I had left. 
When Kara goes home next week its all gonna fall on me and dad.  My grandfather is going to visit his biological daughter for two weeks and wont be there to help.  Mary wont do much because of the baby. 
Im about to crack.  My BP is outragious, and I shake all the time now from nerves.  My doc has put me on BP meds and an anti anxiety drug for the time being but I dont want to be on drugs for ever.  know what I mean?
Im the only unmarried child and the only one with out kids so Im told by the family that Im EXPECTED to do more. Mom said its not fair but no one else seems to care. Im being told to give everything up and no one else is. Im so upset its crazy.  No one else has been asked to quit a job, leave their betterhalf, or "sacrifice just a lilttle more".  Kara and Mary said that if my boyfriend "bob" was anykind of a man he would let me put him on the backburner until things got better then he would still be there for me.  Im like what kind of nonsense is that? its been almost a year and we're starting all over with this mess!!! How can I ask him to go and then just wait for me?  I cant and I wont.  Ive finally found someone I love dearly and who loves me as much Im going to hang on with all Ive got!  They said Im selfish, I say its self preservation at this point to need to get out of the situation for a while.  Kara said "you'd better do it before I leave or you cant".
Im physically and emotionally empty now. Ive done all I can do and cant do no more as it were.  Im trying to find a place I can afford with my money in the mess its in, and all my parents say is well you'll have to come back to do this and that you know.  So with gas at what it is a gallon why would I move to town (20 miles away) to come back every afternoon to so this and that?  I cant afford a place and the extra gas too. 
ok I vented. 
Am I selfish for feeling this way.  Im plagued with guilt over this and dont know what to do. Im about to loose everything Ive fought to get over this crisis and my family seems okay with it.
anyhow thanks for letting me vent, Ive been praying about this but nothing has gotten better in the past several months, only worse. Though dads knee surgery going well has been a SUPER blessing (thank you God!!)
*sigh*
anyone else in a position like this?
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6 years ago  ::  May 14, 2008 - 4:25AM #4
angelontherun
Posts: 103
My name is Karyn, don't let anyone tell you to put your boyfriend on the backburner, you need him for emotional support.  You my dear, are only one person,  don't let family members guilt you into doing anything.

What you do need to do is take time for yourself or you will burn out.  Have you ever meditated, for your own well being, please find at least 5 minutes in the morning to start your day, more if you can.  Sit, or ly down in a quiet area, close your eyes, breathe in slowly, and exhale slowly, getting out all the bad energy inside, and stress inside.  While your eye's are still closed, invision a white light is surrounding you.  This envokes the angels to surround you, and keep you safe, from any negative energy, (meaning, people, places and things) that will drain you and leave you flat.  Please do this for as long as you can, open your eye's.  Look out side at nature, thanking Him for all he's blessed you with.  Even those disgruntled family members of yours.  Looking at nature, is looking at God.  Remember He created you out of love, in His image, and you are an extension of God which means love.

Call on your angels to help you, the law of the Universe is one of Free Will, they are there to help you, but won't unless you ask them to.  My angels have been helping me all my life, they are always here for me, tell them you love them and thank them.   Although it seems you have such a cross to bear, He never gives us more than we can handle.  Ask for His guidance in all you do, and do all things in life His way.  I will pray for you little one and your family, remember, God puts people, places, and things in our lives to strengthen us.

You deserve a medal for being a firefighter, and taking on all He's given you, you are strong and will be rewarded later.  May the Hand of God be with you always, love,

Karyn
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6 years ago  ::  May 14, 2008 - 2:40PM #5
Nomi69
Posts: 6,731
#1       01-25-2008, 04:17 AM 
Nomi69 
Level 8
Level 8   Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 829 

As one who has done about 15 to 20 years of caregiving others...I can tell anyone, that too often, caregivers do not have enough support by others. If one has plenty of money..it may be different. BUT if you do not, it can become a neverending trial, on the body, mind, and spirit of a caregiver. Caregivers desperately need for others to give them respite. To help them with difficult decisions, and even to give them periods of time away completely, from the caregiving role. If they do not receive this attention...a caregiver under the load of neverending giving of one's self....can become extremely sick, depressed, and even worse. My younger sister and I were both caregiver's for our parents(for me, I had alread done caregiving for years)....of a father who had muiltiple, debilitating strokes. AND our mother who had many issues of all kinds. I tried, and my sister did, altho neither of us had good health ourselves, to see our parents thru as long as they could make it. Our father died of pneumonia in 2001.

I had just lost my husband of 13 years, whom I had taken care of(along with my parents, when my sister was not here), in 1999. I had already had to take care of two young grandchildren, for 2 1/2 years, while in my mid 50's. My sister is the only one who would alter her life, to come(she lived 3,000 miles away)and help me....because she knew when she was not here, that the care of our parents all fell on me. We were both completely mentally and physically exhausted time our father passed away. We had been doing this, for the better part of 6 years, for our parents. My sister was so worn out, that she wanted desperately to be free of the caregiving. I tried every way possible to find a way to help her. We were both begging for help that never came. She went into a hospital for a short time, for major depression. She was put on Paxil, an anti-depressant. When she started on this drug, I noticed awful changes in her. She was having terrible adverse reactions to it. I even reported it to the therapists she was seeing. It did no good. My mother was on it too, but for OCD. She did not seem to have as much trouble with it as my sister did. Ours is a horror story of caregiving. My sick sister is in prison now because of our horror story.

I would suggest you make it clear you are not going to accept guilt trips, and are going to take time for yourself. You have a right to a life too. If nothing else, let your father put your mother in a nursing faclity, until she is better...or hire peole to come in. You sound like you are bottoming out from caregiving...pls don't allow that to continue. You need space, and time for your self. You have a right to that too. Don't let others make decisions for you. It is all too easy to give in, to your own harm.   Don't allow that to happen. You must take care of yourself....your load is now too heavy. You have my utmost sympathy...but it can only get worse...from what you say here. Don't allow others continue to keep you down. You have to save yourself, before it gets any worse.....it sounds like you have reached your limit....Don't let it get worse for you........Time is of the essence here..............Take care. Here is the link to the website for my sister....

http://www.freewebs.com/mercy_for_cindy/
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
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6 years ago  ::  May 15, 2008 - 2:03PM #6
RogueHistorian
Posts: 4
Thank you both for the wonderful positive input.  Naomi69 Im sorry about your sister. Paxil is a horrible thing, I was on it once and other than the mind fog I gained 40lbs in 2 months!  I know that currently I am depressed, but my body doesnt tollerate any of the antidepressants out there (trust me Ive been on most of them at one time or another in college due to depression and gained weight on everysingle one!) Im on buspar now for anxiety, we'll see how that goes, its been a week as of tommrow....
Karyn, I believe verymuch in angels, I talk to mine often.  Perhaps I need to ask for the help rather than just talk about the issues eh? 

I finally told "bob" about the statement my sister said about him.  He was furious, as I expected him to be.  I assured him that wasnt an option. He is very concerned about my being "moping around" and "sad".  I explained to him some of the things that have been bothering me and he simply told me I needed to let go of it.  He also said that I sounded selfish wanting to do my own thing but he knew at the same time that it wasnt fair for so much to fall on me like it has.  We talked about some other issues that had come up between he and I last night that dont have any direct bering on this whole event, but has been bothering me.  Im not sure I feel better, but at least I understand why he has been acting so distant. 

I will steer away from antidepressants due to the sideefects and try to get that much needed break.  My dad's new thing is "you live here so you have to do the work not your sisters" Nice huh.   He's home this week now, by the way and mom's insurance denied her the rehab care she needs but approved the nursing home. So we will find out today or tommrow where that will be.
Thanks agin for the positive input. I needed to know that I wasnt being selfish afterall....
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6 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 9:28AM #7
Greenman
Posts: 18
Rogue,  as you have learned you cannot do this alone and you can't depend on your family for enough help. There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help so I am going to suggest the following.
You need professional help from a Social Worker but sometimes it's hard to find one. I would start by asking your doctor or hospital for a social work referral. If they can't help you go to your Fire Fighter Union Rep or chaplain, he or she will be able to help. A social worker will be able to help you find nursing care and home health care as well as help finding funding. (Including Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security.)
Secondly, and just as importantly. Ask your doctor for a referral to a psychotherapist. Meet with him or her and ask them to help you work through the depression you are experiencing. Remember, depression is a natural part of being under the kind of stress you are experiencing, it is nothing to be ashamed of. He or she might feel you'll benefit from short term use of anti-depressants. Under a doctor's care medicines can be a life saver.
And finally.....you can't please all of your family members. When they criticize you can ask them if they'd like to take over. They won't. They want to criticize and complain not give care. Remember that if you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to take care of anyone else. Good luck and God bless.
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6 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 4:57PM #8
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
{{{{{  God puts people, places, and things in our lives to strengthen us.   }}}}

I believe people and trials and tribulations come and go for a reason and not neccessarily to make us stronger. They are more likely a test beyond mankind's comprehension. Not all trials, tribulations, adverse situations and circumstances are god sent or sent to mankind for a good or prosperous reason mankind would be able to relate to or understand. Only God knows the reason why. Only divine reasoning would be able to provide man with an answer.
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6 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 5:06PM #9
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=angelontherun;498148]My name is Karyn, don't let anyone tell you to put your boyfriend on the backburner, you need him for emotional support.  You my dear, are only one person,  don't let family members guilt you into doing anything.

What you do need to do is take time for yourself or you will burn out.  Have you ever meditated, for your own well being, please find at least 5 minutes in the morning to start your day, more if you can.  Sit, or ly down in a quiet area, close your eyes, breathe in slowly, and exhale slowly, getting out all the bad energy inside, and stress inside.  While your eye's are still closed, invision a white light is surrounding you.  This envokes the angels to surround you, and keep you safe, from any negative energy, (meaning, people, places and things) that will drain you and leave you flat.  Please do this for as long as you can, open your eye's.  Look out side at nature, thanking Him for all he's blessed you with.  Even those disgruntled family members of yours.  Looking at nature, is looking at God.  Remember He created you out of love, in His image, and you are an extension of God which means love.

Call on your angels to help you, the law of the Universe is one of Free Will, they are there to help you, but won't unless you ask them to.  My angels have been helping me all my life, they are always here for me, tell them you love them and thank them.   Although it seems you have such a cross to bear, He never gives us more than we can handle.  Ask for His guidance in all you do, and do all things in life His way.  I will pray for you little one and your family, remember, God puts people, places, and things in our lives to strengthen us.

You deserve a medal for being a firefighter, and taking on all He's given you, you are strong and will be rewarded later.  May the Hand of God be with you always, love,

Karyn[/QUOTE]
Most people haven't the time, energy or personal resources to "caregive" to a needy family member or friend without it affecting their own life and resources including finances, health and own family. IMO, it would be unhealthy and unchristian to demand or expect anyone to sacrifice themselves especially when they aren't qualified and when expert health care is to be found everywhere and in abundance in the modern world in modern times.
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6 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 5:21PM #10
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=RogueHistorian;501702]Thank you both for the wonderful positive input.  Naomi69 Im sorry about your sister. Paxil is a horrible thing, I was on it once and other than the mind fog I gained 40lbs in 2 months!  I know that currently I am depressed, but my body doesnt tollerate any of the antidepressants out there (trust me Ive been on most of them at one time or another in college due to depression and gained weight on everysingle one!) Im on buspar now for anxiety, we'll see how that goes, its been a week as of tommrow....
Karyn, I believe verymuch in angels, I talk to mine often.  Perhaps I need to ask for the help rather than just talk about the issues eh? 

I finally told "bob" about the statement my sister said about him.  He was furious, as I expected him to be.  I assured him that wasnt an option. He is very concerned about my being "moping around" and "sad".  I explained to him some of the things that have been bothering me and he simply told me I needed to let go of it.  He also said that I sounded selfish wanting to do my own thing but he knew at the same time that it wasnt fair for so much to fall on me like it has.  We talked about some other issues that had come up between he and I last night that dont have any direct bering on this whole event, but has been bothering me.  Im not sure I feel better, but at least I understand why he has been acting so distant. 

I will steer away from antidepressants due to the sideefects and try to get that much needed break.  My dad's new thing is "you live here so you have to do the work not your sisters" Nice huh.   He's home this week now, by the way and mom's insurance denied her the rehab care she needs but approved the nursing home. So we will find out today or tommrow where that will be.
Thanks agin for the positive input. I needed to know that I wasnt being selfish afterall....[/QUOTE]
God gave mankind modern era hospitals, institutions, medicine & science for a reason. There is nothing new under the sun about alternative medicine such as friends, family, home health care. It has always been the last resort or first recourse in a crisis. What's old is new again.
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